Ready or not....here we go...

The quote on my Starbucks cup this morning was quite appropriate...
"Fearlessness is about getting up one more time than we fall down." - Arianna Huffington

My cd3 ultrasound was this afternoon...we're all clear. Uterus looks great, ovaries look great, we're ready to go. I start Femara tomorrow night, and then I go in for my mid-cycle ultrasound on Monday, May 7th.

This is it...our first chance to try again, to get up one more time after falling so far...God give me the courage to put my heart out there again...

Not so grouchy...

Hey, I'm not so grouchy, so that's a good thing!

First, I'm feeling pretty good. I ran 3 miles (in 28 min mind you) for the first time in I don't know when (seriously, like maybe last summer)! I'm playing really well in tennis, and that's making me happy. Soccer, well that's always a struggle, but Patrick actually said I did well on Sunday, so that's all that matters. I'm feeling normal, and all of my sudden my clothes fit right again!

In other news...we may be on our way to trying again. My ultrasound on Monday showed a nice smooth uterus with a cushy lining...no cysts on my ovaries either! So I'm in the middle of a 5-day course of progesterone (yawn...it makes me sleepy!), and after I finish my last pill Saturday night...we'll be on AF Watch 2007! Last time I did this, I started 3 days later, so I'm hoping for the same! I'm supposed to call Dr. Mac's on day 1 to schedule my day 3 ultrasound. If all is clear (and we're 99% sure all will be fine since Terri already checked my ovaries), then back on 5mgs Femara we go...

So this of course means that I'm going to need to start detoxing next week when AF shows...no more Starbucks, no more wine, no more margaritas at Fiesta Azteca every Friday ; ) I did it last time, and well, it seemed to work well, so I'm going to be a good girl again!

Why am I counting the days again all of a sudden??????

A cure for infertility?

Yep, I've got it, just come work with me! Seriously, another one of my co-workers is pregnant (they just started trying in Jan., she's already 8 weeks), and of course, I hear this second-hand because no one wants to upset the "infertile one". I know it's actually much more sensitive than that, and she really doesn't want to hurt me, but shit...that's right, I said shit, and much worse words are going through my mind right now...

I am sick of everyone tip-toeing around me.
I am sick of not being in control of my emotions.
I am sick of being the statistical anomaly.
I am sick of being sick.
I am sick of it being everyone's turn but mine.

Everytime I think I'm getting to a better place, something else sets me back. I just wish that everyone else could stop getting freaking pregnant and just let me have my turn. Have I not earned it, have I not worked hard enough for it, have I not suffered more than anyone I know for this? What the hell do I have to do? Someone tell me because I'll do it, I've taken all the pills, poked myself with more needles than I can count, endured so much physical and emotional pain, what more can I possibly do?

I really just want to go home, have a good cry, and a good bottle, I mean glass, of wine...but I have tennis tonight which means I'm stuck here until it's time to play...Lord help the person across the net from me because I have a lot of aggression that's going to come out tonight in the form of a cross court backhand.

Waiting it out

Just kind of taking it day by day right now. We played in the tennis tournament this weekend, and had a pretty good time aside from the bad weather and the crappy things that did to our game. We both won our first singles matches on Friday (I even beat the #3 seed), and I ended up as the only unseeded player in the quarterfinals. Then the bad weather came, and screwed up the schedule, and we ended up playing on indoor courts AND playing short sets (you start at 2-2)...that really screwed us up since we're both slow starters. So needless to say we both lost in the next round. We didn't even get to play mixed doubles until about 7pm Sunday night. We easily could have won the match, but we were adjusting to doubles, to each other, and of course the stupid short sets. We lost respectably to the #1 seed (6-7, 4-6), and best of all we had enough fun to want to try it again. : ) I think Patrick was pretty impressed with the way I played against them!

So anyway, we're busy all over the place. My weeknight singles league ends tonight, and then my combined league starts next week. Patrick's league starts Saturday, and I'm also going to start practicing with the Kingwood ladies starting this Saturday, so lots of tennis at our house!

Meanwhile, my next dr. appt is Monday...5 days away. Supposedly, we're doing an u/s to see how my lining is recovering from surgery and responding to the estrogen (I think I've been fairly pleasant considering!). And then we'll have a plan...I don't even want to think about what the possible outcomes might be. I don't want to get my heart set on trying again soon only to find out that we'll be pushed back another 3 months or something...so I'm just waiting it out for now, and we'll see.

I love my Mom!

My mom freaking rocks. My parents and my little (is he still little at 6'3" and 23 years old?) brother were here to visit, which worked out well since Patrick was gone to a tournament all day Saturday. Mom and I went to a massage at a place called Massage Envy. It was great, and she ended up buying me a membership! So I get a massage once a month, AND they just pile up month to month, you don't lose them. So WHEN (like that renewed optimism) I get pregnant again, I can save them through the 1st trimester, and then get one like every 3 weeks during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters...AWESOME! Anyway, we had a great visit, and it was good to see everyone.

Not much else going on here. Still trying to keep up the exercising. The soccer game was rough yesterday, but I actually played well...slowly but surely my timing is coming back, so I actually saved a goal and made some decent defensive plays...but it was hot and humid and gross...LOL! Definitely need to spend some time on the tennis court this week because we've got the big tournament this weekend...I'm sure to lose, all the state's best players will be there...I'm talking almost all the top 10 in the state...and I'm ranked 74...LOL! BUT this will mark the first time Patrick and I play mixed doubles together, so I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it...I don't want to let him down!