Thursday, January 11, 2007

It's over....again

Took me awhile to get around to's over.

Last Tuesday evening (1/2), I started light brown spotting. I panicked. Same Wednesday, but I still felt pregnant, and I was hoping that everything would still be okay. The u/s Thursday was the most painful one I've ever had to witness.

There was this perfectly formed baby...with arms and legs, just floating....he measured 9w3d and I was 9w4d...but he didn't move...and there was no heartbeat. When I first saw how big he was, there was just this moment of "Oh my God, everything is okay...", but then slowly it sunk in. I couldn't bear to look at Patrick across the room. Dr. Mac came in and confirmed...everyone was upset. I cried quite a bit before I got dressed. Terri came in a bit later, said she was so sorry, hugged me, and then I felt her start to cry, too. Kara hugged me later, too, after I'd calmed down. They scheduled me for a D&C early the next morning, so we sat around for quite a while so they could do all the paperwork, bloodwork, etc. Luckily Dr. Mac didn't have any patients after us, so we sat in his office and talked about the possibilities. He wanted to do another hysteroscopy to check for scar tissue from my surgery. I told him to go ahead and take a peek after the D&C, that maybe he could get a clear view. So they changed my surgery orders and added it.

We talked about testing...but I'll leave that for another day. In a nutshell, the plan was..
1. Hysteroscopy to check for scar tissue.
2. Chromosome testing of the fetus
3. Immune panel testing
4. Who the hell knows

The D&C went fine. Afterwards, Patrick said Dr. Swaim (my ob/gyn) was there and wanted to say hi. She came in and hugged me, and (still drugged), I went on to tell her that I was hoping to surprise her in a couple of weeks...I've been so lucky to have so many great people care for me during all of this.

The recovery has been okay. I started bleeding a lot on Tuesday, and it's still going today. This morning, I got the wonderful shock of milky discharge from my breast...yep, that sent me into a meltdown. Right now I'm just mad because I want my body back, I want control of my emotions, I want to stop being reminded that I'm still going through this, I want some sense of normalcy...I want to forget for a little while.

More later...I'm sure I'll have lots to say.