Unnaturally happy

Seriously...it's creeping me out. I was such a superbitch with the Clomid last week, but since Saturday, I've been this positive, optimistic, happy person that I don't recognize!

I seem to be so well-adjusted to my situation. I didn't flinch when no less than 3 people asked the "kids question" this weekend. Patrick and I are all giddy about trying again (remember the giddyness of those first cycles trying...). We're making jokes about embryos and sperm and all that mess that used to be fun. We're confident that if this isn't it, we'll figure it out soon.

I don't know where it's coming from, but I just feel great. I have hope...I really believe that this will happen for us sometime...maybe not this cycle, maybe not this year...but that sooner or later our time will come.

I had let go of that thought a few months ago...but it feels so amazing to truly have that hope in my heart again.

Also, I've finally come to realize that there are so many people rooting for us...people I never would have thought that keep asking other friends how I'm doing, and other people telling us that they're praying for us. It means more than they'll ever know, and I'm grateful to have those people on our side...

Ok, little miss sunshine signing out for now.

Oh crap...maybe I should actually update something besides my pleasant demeanor...we got the green light this cycle. On Friday (cd 12) I had a 15mm follicle on my right ovary (nothing on my left, but fine by me, that side scares me since the ectopic). I had 2 others at 10mm, but those probably won't mature enough. Anyway, I triggered yesterday (cd 14) since my RE estimated they would be over 19mm by then. My lining was also 7.4mm which is excellent for cd 12 and being on Clomid. SO we're "busy" for the next 2 nights...hehehe. They did say that they'll bump me up to 100mgs IF we need another cycle (I love Terri...she was so sure to say "if we even need another one"). They just want me to move a little faster and maybe get 2-3 follicles instead of 1 dominant one. So game on!!!

Ready...

OK, that's it, we're ready. I'm ready, he's ready, my body's ready, the world better be freaking ready.

Baseline u/s yesterday showed that everything looked good. Tonight, I start Clomid again. Wonder what that's going to be like? It's so weird to think that it's been over a year and half since the last time I was on it. And I can't wait. I want to feel like I'm doing something. There's something so exciting about a monitored cycle. Yesterday, the u/s, now today through Sunday, I take my pills, then next Friday, here we go, we check follicles and go from there. I hope it will go by really quickly. I'm ready to do this, finally ready to really try, and really hope again.

I'm just ready. It's my turn, I've paid my dues, I've suffered, I've believed, I've lost hope and found it again.

It's time.

Her day...

She was due today. "She"...that's all I can bring myself to call her. The twins are referred to as...well..."the twins", and the early miscarriage last Sept is referred to as the "hurricane baby" since I miscarried during Hurricane Rita. She was lovingly called "the chicken"...until we found out she was a girl when they did the testing.

She doesn't have a name. To name her would open up a wound I couldn't face. I know naming is something that helps some people cope with the loss. I'm not one of those people. Naming her makes it too real. Naming her means I'd have to admit how much I still hurt.

So what am I supposed to do today? Pretend like I don't want to throw up everytime I inadvertently see the date? I came up with the short list of things that seem appropriate: cry, scream, throw things, drink until I fall asleep, run until i throw up...but I did all of that when I found out we lost her...what am I supposed to do now?

Am I supposed to be "adjusted" by now? Because I'm not. This is the first real due date I've had to suffer through. The due date last month of hurricane baby was just fleeting sadness...there wasn't ever enough time to get attached to that one. The due date for the twins would have been really rough...but Oct 31...that morning was when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was supposed to mourn that day, to feel the way I do today...but instead I found out she was there. What a miracle right? Surely a sign from God that my sadness was over, that I had carried my burden far enough, and that my reward was finally there.

But then more sadness...far worse than before. Because of that word..."she"...

Patrick and I had a weird little discussion on the way home last night. He knows that my anxiety has been growing, so he took me to go see Pirates of the Carribbean last night at the Movie Tavern (beer + real food + movie = happiness). On the way home, he said it was a full moon. I couldn't help but make a stupid drunk comment
"Great, then I probably would have been in labor right now."
We talked for a little and I did the usual
"I could do this, I could keep going, if I knew that it actually would happen for us sometime. But the constant fear that this is never going to work, that no matter how many times I get pregnant, this may never work...that's what I can't deal with."
To which he said
"You know why we keep going....I know you know...so just say it. Why do we keep doing this? It starts with an H."
I said "hell" of course to be a shit,
but he said "hope"...
I'm just not in the mood to hope today though...I just need to let myself be, and get through the day however I can....
I'll hope again tomorrow...

Good news, bad news, and everything in between

Ugh...

So I was totally ready to do this again! I felt re-energized, I felt healed from all of the losses, we were ready to go. But as usual, my body has failed to cooperate. I went to Dr. Mac's yesterday for my mid-cycle u/s...on cd 15. Not a single follicle over 10mm, and my lining was just under 6mm...this cycle is a bust. I was frustrated, and Terri knew that. She was honest and said she thought it was time to try something else. Patrick agreed, too, so we're back to Clomid next cycle. We haven't done it since I lost the twins over a year ago. I was on 50mgs then, but Terri said they might bump me up to 100mgs just to get an even better response. Whatever...I just want to have a chance again! So we wait for my period...the usual "call on day 1". I'm so sick of waiting.

In other news, tennis and soccer are still going well. I alternate moments of greatness is each sport...our soccer game was rough last night, but my tennis match the night before was a breeze. I'm just happy to be out there playing again!

Now for the most interesting news....we have a new member of our family. Here's the story that I wrote out to a friend....

So in the middle of the monsoon on Sunday night (we had massive flooding over the weekend and Monday), Patrick is driving home. He's getting off the highway onto the access road and sees something dart in front of his truck. I'm on the phone with him, and he says that he'll call me back. He thought it was a possum, but realized it was a very small kitten. He pulled over and looked for him. Found him cowered under a bush...wet, dirty, and covered in fleas. He looked around for a mama cat or other kittens, but he was all alone and there are no houses or anything where he was. He said he was small, I estimated 7-8 weeks, but he thought he was too small. He knew he would die (probably get hit by a car if the weather and fleas didn't kill him or he'd starve) if he left him, so when he called me back, the kitten was in the truck with him.
Now the #1 concern was Feline AIDS and feline leukemia (as a risk to our other 3 cats), not to mention the fleas. So first, genius kitten crawls into the console of Patrick's truck...after 30 minutes of searching for him we finally got him out! We wrap him in a towel and head to the store (this is at 10pm Sunday night by the way) and get shampoo, a flea comb, food, little bowls, etc. He's staying in the guest bathroom so we can keep him apart from the other cats. So we start shampooing him...the fleas are HORRIBLE. He's so irritated and is bleeding from how bad the fleas were and they were all trying to latch on....I started bawling. Patrick considered taking him straight to the SPCA instead of bringing him home, but after seeing all of the fleas, we know they would have just given up and put him down....Patrick worked on the fleas for over an hour...he wouldn't give up. We would take breaks and I would hold him in a towel. Finally, we used some flea spray that we just put on cottonballs. That helped, but they all ran to his head. We did the best we could, and left him in the bathtub with towels to snuggle, food and water (he ate like he was starving) and a litterbox made out of a shoe box (with a little doorway cut out).
Patrick woke up and took him to the vet first thing Monday morning. He weighed 1lb 2oz, and the vet said he was actually about 5 weeks old. He was negative for Feline AIDS/leukemia, but he had hookworms and of course the fleas. He got medicine for the hookworms, and he got the best medicine ever for fleas. It's called Capstar, and it worked so wonderfully!!!! He went to the vet at 7am. By 1pm, he had absolutely NO live fleas on him anymore...they were all dead and laying in his towel bedding. I sat with him for 2 hours Monday in the guest bathroom (studying for school...LOL!), and not a single flea was on him or me or in the bathroom at all!

Anyway, in less than 24 hours, he had gone from a wet, dirty, sick, flea infested, thrown away kitten, to a spunky orange tabby with the loudest purr and the cutest little pounce. He's playing with toys, eating well, using the litterbox like a champ, and is so loving. He's got a couple of scratches (one on a backleg, one in the corner of his eye, and two little raw spots above his mouth, we think he rubbed it raw from the fleas or it's from dehydration), but he's very good with his hygiene and they're looking great. We made him steps to get in and out of the bathtub (he managed to get out but then couldn't get back in...LOL!), so now when you open the door, he hops out and comes to greet you. Just this morning he started doing the rub against your legs thing....he's got such a good spirit...

Anyway, Patrick said he needed a name, so due to the massive flooding...his name is Noah. We had planned to find him a home, but he's just taken over our hearts and we can't imagine giving him away at this point.

Apparently about a month ago, Patrick was all the way over in the left lane on the highway and saw a kitten get hit by a car in one of the right lanes. He said it just made him so mad....so I think he needed to save this kitty. He was so amazing. He kept asking if he had made a mistake, if he was a sucker, or if I was mad because he could have risked our cats' health (which he didn't because we're smart enough to keep them apart which is all you have to do)...I told him that the fact that he did this is one of the reasons I married him...he has such a big heart...and to see him with this 1lb kitty makes me cry....he found him on Father's Day...and though I haven't said anything to him about it...I wonder if that had something to do with how hard he worked to save Noah....

So here's my new baby....

30 isn't so bad....

Well, I actually ended up having a very fun and relaxing beach weekend for my 30th birthday. We were laid back, I had martinis on the fishing pier, we ate good food (and an awesome b-day cake), and we danced...that's right, I said we. Patrick totally let loose and danced on my birthday and that totally made the night!

So now I'm moving on...SO much going on. Just call me Sporty Spice for the summer. I've playing in 2 tennis leagues (and doing pretty well!), and I did it. I'm playing in the Over 30 soccer league. I had what was probably the best game I've ever played last night. I scored!! I'm a defender so that never happens, but we didn't have any subs, so I switched to play forward and after several attempts (including a respectable penalty kick that went straight to the goalie) finally a beautiful shot went in. It made me feel good when patrick said "I saw the ball go in, and I had to look back and make sure it was you that shot it". : ) I'm sore today, but it's totally worth it!

So what now? Remember I said that we'd be out of the running due to timing this month. Well my idiot body decided to surprise me last month and ovulate early...either cycle day 18 or 19...earliest ever for me. I realized when it was happening but "things" did not cooperate and we missed the window...oh well, I drank guilt-free on my birthday. However, ovulating early meant getting my period early (early by my standards....like before cycle day 40!) which means we could actually try this month. So we talked, and decided to go for it. My mid-cycle u/s is Thursday....if there's a good follicle, then we trigger! I'm tired of waiting. I'm not going to stop living life for this anymore, but I'm also not going to sit on the sidelines!

So that's it. I've got tons of schoolwork to do, lots of soccer games and tennis matches to play, I should manage to keep myself pretty busy until the end of this cycle....and we'll just see what happens.

I really feel like I haven't truly had the courage to try since the last miscarriage. We've only seriously tried once since then...just once...and even then, my heart just wasn't in it. But now I'm ready again...I really am. We both are. When we decided to go for it this month, there were no tears...just a mutual "It's time." The decision felt good...and I feel more at peace...

Letting Go....

I'm trying to let go....so far so good.

We're on a break of sorts. The infamous 30th birthday is now...17 days away (the horror!), so we're going away for a beach weekend. I didn't want to ruin the prospect of a wonderful weekend (which is going to put me on the verge of a nervous breakdown anyway) with worrying about testing or ovulating or any of the crap that I've dealt with constantly for the past 2 years. I'm not worrying about cycle days, fertile stuff, timing sex....none of it, I'm done.

I'm letting go....for a little while.

As seems to always be the case with me, it's more complicated than a one cycle break. A break this cycle automatically forces us into a break next cycle because I'll be in Virginia for school. Oh well, not such a bad thing right? Right?

My body flat out told me it wasn't ready...and if I take a second to listen to my heart...she's agreeing.

So what am I doing to pass the time...EVERYTHING! I went to a class called Boot Camp at the hym on Saturday, seriously the name is self explanatory! I still hurt today. I've joined a tennis league, and I'm contemplating stepping foot on a soccer field again. It's been over a year, but all of a sudden, I want to play. There's a short summer season, and guess what? I can now play over 30! I never played the summer league because I didn't really want 20-year old college kids running by me with no problem. But over 30 : ) Now all of a sudden my speed and quickness matter a little more : ) This might be fun!

So that's it, we're on hiatus. And it feels really good so far. We had the best weekend we've had in a while...and the best part...I survived Mother's Day without a tear (well, you can't count the crying from Grey's Anatomy last night!!!). I don't really know how I did it, except that Patrick kept me busy. We just had fun...and didn't worry about anything else for just a little while. I'm hoping that it's just the beginning of a carefree summer!

A Breakthrough?

I smiled at a kid this morning. Granted it was at Starbucks and that always makes me happy, but I smiled at him all by myself. Now this past year...let me be honest...I glare at pregnant women and I sneer at children. I've become that fashionably dressed woman in her fitted clothes and high heels who obviously does not have children and by the looks of her doesn't want them, the one who acts annoyed by the screaming or running kid....but that's all it is...an act.

I want so badly to pat them on the head, to smile knowingly to the pregnant woman, to laugh as the kid tells me an unintelligible story...but to open myself up to that opens me up to the pain of thinking that may never be me...

For whatever reason, this jealousy only applies to strangers...I'm finally able to rejoice when a friend is pregnant (although there is that initial pang of jealousy and a knot in my stomach when I see them start to show)...but thankfully, all of that goes out the window when the baby is here. Maybe it's because only she can enjoy the pregnancy, but I can enjoy the baby. There have however been 2 friends who's actual pregnancy did not bother me at all even from the initial announcement. One who's had 2 kids (which feel more like my niece and nephew!) and one who is halfway through her pregnancy right now (but who struggled through this with me....she gives me hope that this will happen for both of us...because that's how the story is supposed to end...).

What was I saying again? Oh yeah, so I smiled at a kid this morning...all by myself. He was just sitting there looking cute, and he just made me smile as I walked by. He smiled back, and then I saw that the mom had noticed this little exchange and she was smiling too...and it made me feel good. Not sad, not mad, not jealous...but happy...at peace.

Also this past weekend, I found out another friend (one who we don't see much anymore) is pregnant as well...and I didn't cry. Still haven't cried...haven't felt the need...

I think in therapy terms they would call this a breakthrough...I'm not quite sure where I've broken through to...but it's nice here...a little less bitterness, a little more tolerance, a lot more happiness. Maybe I'm finally learning to let go...and let it be.

Que sera, sera....for now.

Not so bad day...

There's not a whole lot going on, but I discovered that today I feel pretty good...how's that for optimism.

Who knows what's going on with this cycle! We're just waiting a few days to decide whether we induce a period with meds or I let it come on it's own...which means I'm trying to figure out if I've ovulated or not based on a couple of days of temperatures...LOL! Can you imagine? After 2 years, I for once, have no idea if I ovulated or not...actually, it's kind of nice...almost liberating! Maybe I'll try the Britney Spears get pregnant quick plan and get wasted for 5 days straight...

Anyway, I think the reason I'm in such a good mood is because I have a new furry niece!!!!

So we went to Dallas this past weekend for Patrick's volleyball tournament. On Saturday, I went to lunch with one of my friends. We were headed to Starbucks afterwards, and I see this big black dog. I immediately knew it was a Great Dane puppy and I had to go pet it. When I got closer, I realized it was a mobile adoption site, and she was VERY skinny. They estimated her to be 6months-1year old. They found her wandering the streets of Dallas, and she had been at the shelter for 1 month...with NO ONE interested. I was so upset. She was super sweet, great temperament, and she looked like she could have been Tristan and Skylar's sister. So we went to Starbucks...and I called Patrick...and he didn't say no. We both knew it wasn't a great decision, but he said that he knew we had to do something because big dogs like that just don't get adopted from shelters. We figured we could contact a rescue group and somehow get her to them or something. Anyway, I went back and got contact information and told them I'd call on Monday to leave my information so that they would call us before they decided to put her down or anything (we would just take her before we let that happen)...but we wanted to see if she would get adopted that weekend.

Sunday I went to lunch with my little brother who goes to school in Denton. Patrick had noticed they were doing mobile adoptions at the same location, but we were convinced there would be different dogs. Nope, she was there. Patrick decided he had time to meet us there, so my brother and I went to have lunch. I told my brother that I knew it wasn't the best idea, but that I couldn't leave her there. Out of nowhere, he says "I think I'll take her sis"...and then proceeds to say all the right things...he's graduating in August, he has a yard, he has a flexible schedule, he just started a part-time job so he'll have the money, he's wanted a dog for a while, and he really likes her. We went back and spent more time with her (while other people were also looking at her...this really rude guy that was trying to do obedience training with her and being a jackass, meanwhile she would sit and lay down for me with no problem...LOL!). That idiot guy sealed the deal for my brother and he started filling out paperwork.

She got spayed Monday, and my brother picked up my new furniece Chloe on Tuesday!!!!! I'll have to get him to take pictures!!!! So far she's doing great, and I'm equally happy for her and him....he really needed this.

Getting Back on the Bike

So I recovered from the D&C, went off to school in January, passed my comprehensive exam with flying colors, and came back to real life. I actually went on the pill for the month of January...only to discover that it makes me a real bitch, so I went right back off of it in February. I had a random day of fertile stuff in February, so we went for it, but my period came on schedule...no big deal.

During Feb 2006, we got the results of our testing. They had tested the last miscarriage....46XX...a perfect girl. This was good news since it proved that we were capable of producing genetically normal offspring. But the reality of it hit me, and I still hurt when I see little girls with dark brown wavy hair and big brown eyes...what would she have looked like?

Anyway, my thrombophilia panel came back as well. I'm a compound heterozygote for MTHFR. Could that have caused my miscarriages? Maybe. Regardless, it seemed to indicate that I needed more medication...mostly holistic. So now I take 9 pills a day...I hate taking pills.

March 2006, we decided to try again. Our plan: go in for a mid-cycle u/s, and if my uterine lining is good and there's a nice big follicle, we'll trigger (like what we did in September 2005). All went well, even though my progesterone was not as high as I would have liked at 7dpo (14.7). But no luck...I had a rough time with it. I know it was our first cycle back trying, but the weight of 2 years was getting to me. We talked about taking a break, but in the end, decided that it was best to keep trying.

April 2006, I was ready to go. And then my mid-cycle u/s sent that plan to hell. Even after getting a positive ovulation kit on day 14 (which has NEVER happened...the earliest I ever ovulated on my own was day 21), the u/s that afternoon showed NO dominant follicle and a crappy lining. I was nowhere near ovulating...

It sucks...a lot. So we're on a break of sorts (do you think GOd decided to make the decision for me?). When May comes, we'll decide whether I'll let this cycle play out or go get provera to induce my period. Next cycle, we'll do another mid-cycle u/s to see if a trigger is worth it. Just taking it day by day at this point I guess.

A New Hope...no, just the same old crap

So after recovering from surgery, we were at it again! At my follow-up just before Labor Day weekend (early September 2005), the ultrasound showed a follicle that was ready to go. So that weekend I gave myself my first shot in the stomach (the hcg trigger), and we were off. Two weeks later, I had a beta....I already knew what it would be. I was still taking my temperature and had reached my "pregnancy temperature". It was positive...hcg was 113, progesterone was like 29 or something. Then 2 days later, I had another beta run at our lab...it was down to 67. This was in the midst of preparation for Hurricane Rita. Dr. Mac's office was already closed to prepare for the storm, but I knew there was nothing they could do. I went to the store to buy more pregnancy tests so that I could watch them turn negative...and know when to expect the bleeding. The hurricane passed through Friday night, and I started bleeding Sunday morning.

We couldn't do any drugs the next cycle, but we were told there was no harm in trying naturally. I ovulated late (cycle day 26), and I was pretty sure that I wasn't pregnant. Then the calendar finally showed the date I had been dreading for months....October 31....the twins were due on Halloween. So that morning (at 12 days past ovulation), I decided to take a pregnancy test. My intention was that I would get a negative, spend the day in mourning for the twins, and not feel guilty about the mango margaritas I intended to drink at my neighbors that evening....but the damn thing was positive.

The first words out of my mouth (as Patrick ironed and I brushed my teeth)..."You've got to be kidding me". Patrick thought he was in trouble for something...and then I showed him. Neither of us knew what to do. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs in shock asking what we should do now. We agreed to wait a couple of days before going to the dr. for a beta. Meanwhile, the tests kept getting darker. The next couple of weeks were textbook: hcg levels kept rising. I did end up having to be on progesterone suppositories (oh joy), but it was no big deal. My 5w ultrasound showed a perfectly measuring gestational sac with a yolk sac. My 6w ultrasound showed a perfectly measuring embryo...with a heartbeat. We actually got to hear the heartbeat and of course, I started crying as usual. Everything was going perfectly. We told the family...and everyone was so excited...everyone thought it was a miracle and a sign that I'd gotten the positive test on the twin's due date. But apparently it wasn't my turn for a miracle...

About 2 days before my 8w ultrasound (late November 2005) I started to have strange feelings. My boobs hurt a little less, something didn't feel right. I tried to shake it off as nerves, but in all honesty, I knew (AGAIN) that something was wrong. The u/s showed that she had stopped growing at 6.5w and there was no heartbeat. I don't even think I cried the first few minutes. I remember looking over and seeing this horrible look on Patrick's face...like he wanted to throw something. Then I just started asking lots of questions (did the septum grow back, can we see where the problem was, does it look like I will miscarry naturally). I finally cried when everyone left the room...and I proclaimed that I didn't want to do this anymore...that I couldn't do this anymore. We also decided that it was best for me to miscarry naturally...it could take weeks.

So 2 weeks later (mid December 2005), nothing was happening. My beta had actually gone up (94,000), so I went in for another u/s. Everything was still in there. After much discussion, we decided to try to induce the miscarriage with Cytotec. We got movies, firewood, dinner...and I started the pills. They gave my Vicodin as well since it was supposed to be very painful. There was bleeding, there was pain, but neither was as much as I had expected...and I had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't over. Beta dropped, but not as much as they would have liked. One last u/s on Dec. 22 showed that everything was STILL there...so on December 23, I had a D&C....

Merry freaking Christmas....