A New Hope...no, just the same old crap

So after recovering from surgery, we were at it again! At my follow-up just before Labor Day weekend (early September 2005), the ultrasound showed a follicle that was ready to go. So that weekend I gave myself my first shot in the stomach (the hcg trigger), and we were off. Two weeks later, I had a beta....I already knew what it would be. I was still taking my temperature and had reached my "pregnancy temperature". It was positive...hcg was 113, progesterone was like 29 or something. Then 2 days later, I had another beta run at our lab...it was down to 67. This was in the midst of preparation for Hurricane Rita. Dr. Mac's office was already closed to prepare for the storm, but I knew there was nothing they could do. I went to the store to buy more pregnancy tests so that I could watch them turn negative...and know when to expect the bleeding. The hurricane passed through Friday night, and I started bleeding Sunday morning.

We couldn't do any drugs the next cycle, but we were told there was no harm in trying naturally. I ovulated late (cycle day 26), and I was pretty sure that I wasn't pregnant. Then the calendar finally showed the date I had been dreading for months....October 31....the twins were due on Halloween. So that morning (at 12 days past ovulation), I decided to take a pregnancy test. My intention was that I would get a negative, spend the day in mourning for the twins, and not feel guilty about the mango margaritas I intended to drink at my neighbors that evening....but the damn thing was positive.

The first words out of my mouth (as Patrick ironed and I brushed my teeth)..."You've got to be kidding me". Patrick thought he was in trouble for something...and then I showed him. Neither of us knew what to do. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs in shock asking what we should do now. We agreed to wait a couple of days before going to the dr. for a beta. Meanwhile, the tests kept getting darker. The next couple of weeks were textbook: hcg levels kept rising. I did end up having to be on progesterone suppositories (oh joy), but it was no big deal. My 5w ultrasound showed a perfectly measuring gestational sac with a yolk sac. My 6w ultrasound showed a perfectly measuring embryo...with a heartbeat. We actually got to hear the heartbeat and of course, I started crying as usual. Everything was going perfectly. We told the family...and everyone was so excited...everyone thought it was a miracle and a sign that I'd gotten the positive test on the twin's due date. But apparently it wasn't my turn for a miracle...

About 2 days before my 8w ultrasound (late November 2005) I started to have strange feelings. My boobs hurt a little less, something didn't feel right. I tried to shake it off as nerves, but in all honesty, I knew (AGAIN) that something was wrong. The u/s showed that she had stopped growing at 6.5w and there was no heartbeat. I don't even think I cried the first few minutes. I remember looking over and seeing this horrible look on Patrick's face...like he wanted to throw something. Then I just started asking lots of questions (did the septum grow back, can we see where the problem was, does it look like I will miscarry naturally). I finally cried when everyone left the room...and I proclaimed that I didn't want to do this anymore...that I couldn't do this anymore. We also decided that it was best for me to miscarry naturally...it could take weeks.

So 2 weeks later (mid December 2005), nothing was happening. My beta had actually gone up (94,000), so I went in for another u/s. Everything was still in there. After much discussion, we decided to try to induce the miscarriage with Cytotec. We got movies, firewood, dinner...and I started the pills. They gave my Vicodin as well since it was supposed to be very painful. There was bleeding, there was pain, but neither was as much as I had expected...and I had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't over. Beta dropped, but not as much as they would have liked. One last u/s on Dec. 22 showed that everything was STILL there...so on December 23, I had a D&C....

Merry freaking Christmas....