3 years ago today....

3 years ago today...I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. It was our third round of Clomid, and back then, I was still taking my temperature religiously every morning (gosh, that seems like worlds away...). I knew that I had reached a temp that was higher than usual for this point in the cycle the day before. I could hardly sleep that night. At 5am, I couldn't wait anymore. I was 12dpo, my temp was again higher that morning, so I got up very quietly and took the test. That day I did something that would become my ritual over the next few years. Take the test, set the timer, and turn around get on my knees and pray. I don't know if I can even count how many times I did that. But that morning, I turned around and saw 2 lines for the first time in my life. I went back to bed, and when Patrick asked me what happened, I started bawling. The poor thing started to console me, telling me that it was okay and we'd try again. It took me a good minute to get our through my sobs "No, I'm pregnant"...to which he said "Oh yeah?" I got up to show him my two lines and he didn't quite believe it since they were so light (he's later become a pregnancy test expert...with this pregnancy he proclaimed at 12 dpo "I don't even have to squint to see that one ; ) ). I remember going to Wal-Mart at 5am and buying more tests including a digital test. I took more tests and even the digital showed up "pregnant". We were up so early that he decided to go fishing. I remember sitting on the couch watching "13 Going on 30" and just being in awe of the fact that I was pregnant. I went to Barnes and Noble that day and bought "What to Expect When You're Expecting"....how funny...because I was definitely NOT expecting everything that was to come over the next few years.

I was so oblivious to it all. I was pregnant, I just assumed I'd have a baby. I had about 10 days of ignorant pregnant bliss before it all came crashing down on me. We had even told my parents complete with bibs on the dogs that said I love Grandma/Grandpa.

I never got that innocence back, it's impossible, but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. I still remember that morning vividly...as vividly as I remember the radiologist telling me 10 days later that there was no pregnancy in the uterus...but one in the tubes....the way I remember Patrick crying (one of the few times I've ever seem him truly cry)...the way I remember the exact episode of Lost that was on when I lay in my hospital bed alone that night (it was Hurley's numbers episode, Patrick had gone home to get me my things, Mom was still on her way)...the way I remember the look on Patrick's face when they found Twin #2 a week later...the way I remember knowing that twin #2 wouldn't make it, and just waiting for everyone else to realize it, too.

Will these memories change over the years? I remember the morning of every single positive pregnancy test. I remember the moment I was told that each one of them hadn't made it. I remember that joy, that fear, and that unbelievable pain, and it was different for every single one of them

Will she erase it all? Will all of it suddenly be easier to relive? Because right now I'm struggling not to start bawling sitting here in my office remembering it all.

I've found out that I was pregnant on 6 different occasions in the past 3 years (the first year produced no positives)...I've found out it was over 5 different times...

There's this little person in here kicking me right now. I want her to know just how much she was wanted, just how much we endured, how much we were willing to sacrifice...I want her to know that we didn't give up...when many people would have, when everyone thought we should, when we didn't know how much more we could take...we didn't give up....and she is more than worth it.