Updates

So my sweet husband finally scanned all my ultrasound pictures. I picked the best ones and have posted them on each of the corresponding appointment posts. Now that he has the scanner figured out, I'll try to be faster with my appt next week since those should be pretty cool pictures!

Speaking of sweet husbands, he came home from the grocery store the other day with the most random stuff...snacks, eye shadow brushes (I had complained my favorite one was falling apart), new eye shadow (now I don't generally use eye shadow from the grocery store, but hey, I'll give it a shot), and get this...purple glitter top coat nail polish...could this man know me any better??

Anyway, we're still taking it day by day here. We look forward to the daily muffin checks, and lately, he's been far more panicked than me. He really likes the doppler though, I think it makes it real for him, you know?

One week until my high-risk/perinatal/maternal-fetal medicine/whatever-you-want-to-call-that-dr. appointment.

PIMPLE!!!

Oh dear Lord...people said this might happen but I was not prepared for the monstrosity on my forehead at the moment. I mean it's a full out "stay-home-from-high school" pimple right smack in the middle of my forehead! I felt it coming on yesterday, then the pain from this thing actually woke me up last night. This morning...the horror...Patrick could only laugh. I believe this incident was initiated by the eyebrow waxing I had on Saturday. I noticed that I seemed to have a slight reaction to the post-waxing cooling lotion...and then slowly, it appeared..LOL!

In other news, I did manage to do a little shopping and got a few looser tops here and there. More importantly, I found a bella band, and I'm loving it. I CAN button my pants, but good Lord who wants to!! I'm miserable when they're buttoned, especially if I'm sitting down! I'm finally realizing I should stop trying to suck in because my efforts are producing no results anymore...LOL!

Muffin Watch with the doppler has been fun, and Patrick seems more addicted to it than me. He asked me this morning if I checked on the muffin before I left for work, and I actually hadn't since I planned on making it an evening thing, and I think he was disappointed.

10 weeks 5 days and I'm still here!!!

My Doppler Works!!

Yes, my doppler arrived yesterday. And of course, I got it to work in 5 minutes...I AM a scientist after all. In all seriousness, those were the longest 5 minutes ever, even though I knew that it would be hard to find. It was actually interesting because I kept hearing my heartbeat, but then there was this echo and the rhythm just didn't quite match. When I focused more on that area, a little this way, a little that way, tilt just so, and there he was, beating away!! Patrick got home about 15 minutes later, so I attempted this again. Of course, I'd made an exact notation of where I found him, I'm surprised I didn't draw an X on my stomach and label it "Place Doppler here", but luckily it was near my freckle, so I had something to go by. : )

Anyway, he wasn't there anymore!! I start moving around and that little brat had moved a good 2-3 inches to the left right in the middle of my tummy...LOL! Even as I was catching him that time, I was chasing him across my belly, Patrick was cracking up! It was fun though, and I'm really glad we decided to get it. Of course, when I have trouble finding it again, I'm sure I'll say that I hate the doppler...LOL!

The good thing is that it will only get easier to find it. A lot of people say to start at your bikini line, but he was a good inch or two higher than that, so he's on his way up...meaning my uterus is on its way up...meaning maybe my 12 week pic WILL actually be more impressive. ; )

One day at a time...but the days are getting easier...and happier.

Belly Shots!

That's right. If I'm going to pretend to be "just another pregnant girl", then you have to be subjected to bi-weekly belly shots. Behold the miraculous change below...what's that you say? They look the same to you? LOL!

So I started at 6w, then by 8 weeks had lost 2 pounds total, then at 10weeks, I've lost 3 pounds total...yet somehow maybe I look a little poochier down low in the last one? Maybe? Come on, throw me a bone here.



ok, I have to admit, I'm a little jealous. Everyone on the pregnancy boards is showing off their little 10 week "bump"...but according to every book I've read and Dr. Swaim, those other "bumps" are probably gas or too much ice cream...so I guess I'm supposed to feel better about looking mostly the same...LOL! But now is when changes start to happen, so let's hope for a difference in 2 weeks!

Even though there's little change, my jeans are driving me insane! They button, but the bug me and make me more nauseous. Not to mention, practically every shirt I have is tailored and fitted. So I'm on a mission this weekend. I'm going to find a Bella Band and see if that will help my jeans and make a couple of tighter skirts more comfortable, and then I'm going to go buy fun shirts! NOT maternity shirts, just those cute empire waisted/babydoll shirts that are at EVERY single store right now. That's going to make the transition period much easier! I'm TIRED of sucking it in every day...not to mention that lower portion I was talking about WON'T suck in anymore!!! LOL!

In other news, the DHL website just reported to me that my doppler is on the truck for delivery to my house today!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure I'll drive myself, Patrick, the cats and dogs all crazy with it tonight!

10 weeks

Really? It's been 10 weeks and I'm still pregnant? We've never made it this far...ever.

I had the best appt this morning with Dr. Swaim. First, the nurse decided to try the doppler, just to see. Took her a couple of minutes, but as soon as she found it, it was so obvious. That little heartbeat just thumping away. What an unbelievable sound.

Then I was not prepared for the ultrasound. He was moving...not just moving, but practically doing backflips! We've never seen movement before...never. It was such an amazing moment, to see that little life...inside of me. Is this real?

In other news, we went ahead and upped my Lovenox dose to 40mgs today, so that makes me feel better. My platelet count came back high which is common in people with clotting disorders, so everything is covered. I'll continue with this dose up until delivery, and then after he's here, I'll be on it for 6 weeks post-partum.

Funny story, Dr. Swaim said I could come in whenever I wanted, every day if that made me feel better. My doppler is supposed to be here tomorrow, so I just made an appt for next week with the nurse so she could show me how to use it, but odds are I'll have that figured out this weekend.

Anyway, she mentioned that she doesn't get that sense of panic from me this time and that I seem calm, and I told her that I did in fact feel better but still a little panicked, that we just weren't sure what to do now. Her response was that my panic is probably more from "Holy shit, I'm having a baby this time!". That's my doctor and that's why I love her...LOL!

Oh, one other thing. People have asked "do you know it's a boy?" since I keep saying "he". It's a defense mechanism actually. The two that we had tested were both girls...so somehow envisioning this baby as a boy makes me feel like everything will be different this time, does that make sense? In reality, we would be ecstatic no matter what...wouldn't it be a shame if I never had a girl to pass on all my fashion advice to? ; )

So we sit tight, wait for the doppler tomorrow, and then the appt with the high risk ob on October 4th (2 weeks from tomorrow) for the first trimester screen and cerclage consult. Then we'll see where we go from there.

Oh, one more funny story. My dear friend Jenn was trying to explain the cerclage to her husband and he said "I don't get it" to which she said "they're going to sew her up so the baby doesn't fall out". Sounds like as good an explanation as any!

Surviving

That's probably the best way to describe me right now. I had yet another episode of spotting on Saturday night which continued into Sunday. Seems to be pretty much gone now. But after promising I wouldn't, I still panicked. I also seemed to be having major cramps on Sunday...which later seemed to be due to constipation. While I told Patrick I forgot to take my Colace on Sat night, thinking back, I actually forgot it on Friday, too...oops.

I am having all sorts of weird cramps though...not horrible just noticeable, so it's freaking me out a little bit. But I'm also extremely nauseous, so everything seems "normal".

The sad thing is that I don't know what "normal" is for this stage.

We made it the farthest we ever made it last time. She stopped growing at 9w3d, we found out at 9w5d...I'm 9w5d today. I think that's why the spotting on Saturday really freaked me out, it just reminded me of what happened last time. All of that pain is still so real, I can't imagine having to relive it all over again. I just need to get to Wednesday, past all the bad memories, into new and exciting territory. I just need to get past all this pain.

Oh, speaking of pain, interesting occurrence last night. I was having this horrible nightmare that I had appendicitis and was in the emergency room. They needed to do surgery, I was trying to tell them I was pregnant, and the pain was excruciating. Imagine my horror when I wake up and realize the pain I had been "dreaming" was very real. Except instead of low and on my right side, it was higher up. I was in major pain under my ribs all the way down to my belly button and it hurt all the way across. I got up to pee thinking moving might help, but it was absolutely horrible. I came back to bed and woke up Patrick to tell him #1 baby is fine but #2 something is wrong with me. Somewhere in all of that, I decided that I felt a little better if I sat up. It hurt so bad that I could not take in a decent breath. Slowly, I started to move a little bit and finally it released. Boy, it was scary because I had no idea what it was and it was bad enough to wake me up!

So this morning, I'm describing it to one of my co-workers and she starts laughing. She asked me if I ate dinner. Well no, as a matter of fact, I was having a very nauseous day yesterday. I ate a tiny bit of breakfast, a small lunch at 11am, and then I just couldn't eat dinner so I had a little fruit salad. She told me, I had gas! I was like "no, but it was in my chest". She then asked if I felt better once I sat up. LOL! Yep, I had some trapped air, probably in my stomach, no food in there to keep it busy, and it wreaked havoc on me in my sleep.

I'm sure Patrick will be really pleased to know I woke him up at 3am because of gas...

Information Overload

So my first ob appt was this morning, and let me first say that everything still looked terrific!!

I was having a bad feeling this morning. I was still spotting brown, it was too familiar to last time, and I lost the last one right around this time, so I was absolutely terrified. Poor Patrick, I was a terror this morning on the way to the appointment...I really thought it was all over.

I love Dr. Swaim and her entire office. Her nurse was just great, calming me down while she went to track down the ultrasound machine. When Dr. Swaim came in, she was all excited, then of course, I broke the news about the spotting, and then she really wanted to do the ultrasound right away. Luckily, she's pretty good with it, so within seconds, we knew everything was okay. His heart was just pumping away. She didn't measure it, but she said it looked terrific and by this point, I can vouch that it did look great and strong. He measured 9w4d, but I think she overshot a little with the measuring and he's probably 9w3d, which is all fine considering that I'm only 9w today! Boy were we relieved, and she was so excited.

So here's where the information overload comes in. First, she is so amazing. She said we would do weekly ultrasounds (without me saying a thing) just to keep me sane, and that they would just make room in the schedule for me! I already have one scheduled for next Wednesday : ) Also, about the doppler, she said just order whatever one I want, bring it in to my appt, and then they'd show me how to use it. She said usually it's not reliable until after 12 weeks, but since I'm thin, she thinks we can get it to work at 10 weeks.

Drugs- They want me to stop my baby aspirin and I'm also done with progesterone...YAY! Especially since I think the progesterone is contributing to my spotting. Plus, I'm on 30mgs Lovenox now, so she wants to think about upping it to 40 mgs in the second trimester (SECOND trimester...what's that?)

Now here's the biggie that really threw us for a loop. Now in the back of my mind, I've always wondered about the possibility of incompetent cervix. I had a LEEP 11 years ago, plus I've had 5 surgeries that have required my cervix to be manually dilated. But Dr. Swaim is so conservative, that I didn't expect her to talk cerclage already today. She said in a case like mine, that if we asked 10 drs., 5 would say it's not warranted and the other 5 would say put in the cerclage. For those going "huh?", a cerclage is a purse-string like stitch that sews your cervix shut. I have no idea beyond that. I never seriously researched it, and obviously Patrick and I will both be doing tons of research on the risks and benefits. Dr. Swaim did say that she sort of feels like we should do it, and as I said before, she is very conservative, so that surprised me. I think she's so emotionally involved, that she just doesn't want to take a chance...and of course, neither do we.

On that note, I have to schedule a consult with a high-risk ob (maternal-fetal medicine specialist). I'm supposed to call tomorrow and schedule it in the next couple of weeks. They'll be doing the nuchal translucency first trimester screen as well as the consult on the cerclage. If I have the cerclage, it will be done in week 13 or so. As I understand it, it's quick and easy but I do have to be put under for it. Like I said, it's all still a little overwhelming right now. There's also the option of possible monitoring the length of the cervix by weekly u/s and just putting in the cerclage if it starts to shorten, but again, that's something else we need to research.

She also said that I'm at increased risk for a few complications due to my clotting disorder (mostly the Protein C deficiency), so we have to watch out for intrauterine growth retardation, premature rupture of membranes, pre-eclampsia, etc. She said I'll be having an ultrasound at every appointment because of that (oh darn...) and she said she'll be seeing a lot of me...LOL!

In other interesting news, while my due date is April 16th, she said I will not be making it that far. She said as soon as the baby is "fully cooked" (roughly 38 weeks), she will be delivering. Patrick (the dork) has requested April Fool's Day.

Then they gave me all the info for the high-risk ob, made my appt for next week, gave me my prenatal goodies bag (all these bags I've never had before, Dr. Mac gave me one, too. I'm too scared to even see what's in them yet...), took 5 vials of blood and a urine sample and sent me on my way...

So you can see why I'm a little overwhelmed. First, we are absolutely ecstatic that everything is going well...I honestly can't believe it. The idea of talking about trimesters, the big ultrasound, movement, delivery plans...it's all so foreign to me. I've never allowed myself to think that far, to think of the fact that I'm actually growing a baby, a baby that I might actually take home...

It's a little hard to come to the realization that I'll never be a normal pregnant woman...but I guess it's not all that surprising. Dr. Swaim said no exercise, if I get the cerclage, then no sex either, bedrest is probably a real possibility. I've already apologized to Patrick if I gain 70 pounds. Hey, Kate Hudson did it and she looks great again : ) But so far, I've only lost 3 pounds, so it could be worse.

I'll never be a normal pregnant woman...but at least right now, I'm still a pregnant woman...and I'll do whatever it takes to stay that way.
One day at a time...

Here is today's blurry u/s pic...LOL!

Random Monday Musings

So two more days until I go see Dr. Swaim and pretend to be like every other pregnant woman....yeah right.

I spotted again on Saturday night and immediately panicked. I swear, the stress of seeing the spotting makes me cramp. Then of course, it went away by Sunday morning and has been gone since...as has the cramping! I have been sore in my abs and back though. I'd mentioned that to Terri and Kara on Friday, and they both said it was everything starting to stretch and move, and I'd probably be sore, especially since I'm petite.

I did a good job of staying calm yesterday, and today I'm doing well, too. There's nothing I can do but stay positive, take care of myself, and wait....

I'm 8w5d today...the last loss we found at 9w5d (measuring 9w3d). No one can say if it will happen again, there's no reason to think it would even happen at the same time. I just have to tough out everyday, and know that every day gets me one step closer.

In other random musings...I look better than Britney Spears in my bra and panties (did you see the VMAs last night??)...not that it's any sort of accomplishment these days, but I am almost 9 weeks pregnant ; )

The Texans won yesterday...you mean we have a football team worth rooting for this year?? I'm going to have to pull out all my Texans shirts from the first year!

The Aggies won, too, but not before driving us all nuts with the overtimes!

I am in NO way complaining, but I do have to say it was hard to sit and watch our soccer game yesterday (Patrick and I usually play on the same co-ed over 30 team)...half of it was that I really wanted to be out there to help the defense, and the other half is the pressure of everyone knowing that I'm pregnant...I know we have lots of people rooting and praying for us, but at the same time, I can't help but think that I'll be letting all of those people down if something goes wrong again...I'm just so sick of being that "problem child".

Oh well, time for lunch, I'll continue on my quest for meat...seriously, that's about the only thing that sounds good to me these days. How I've eaten that much meat and still lost 2 pounds without ever throwing up, I'll never know!

Graduation Day

Well I started spotting again last night, now it seems gone again. But I had an appt with Dr. Mac today anyway. All was well!!! We're still measuring right on track, and the heart rate is up to 170. They still can't see any reason for the bleeding, but they blame my cervix and all of the stretching that's starting (my abs are sore!). Not to mention, duh, I'm on a blood thinner, so a tiny bleed would even make it down to the toilet paper!

I just sent Patrick to scan the pic, so hopefully he'll send it to me this evening.

So I graduated from Dr. Mac's today. I hugged everyone, and they were all very excited to see me get out of there for once! Terri gave me a lecture on staying calm and not stressing. Dr. Mac said I should just have a glass of wine or two when I feel anxious. Patrick was like "yeah right! She's neurotic". Yes, it's true I won't even eat peanuts....and I SO want some peanut butter....

Anyway, I called my ob's office, and they tried to say they couldn't see me for 2 weeks, to which I said I would panic by then. : ) So they're squeezing me in on Wednesday. I just want to get in to talk to Dr. Swaim, see what she thinks, and see if she'll approve my prescription for a doppler heartrate monitor. We decided to go ahead and get one. The spotting scare sealed it for us...

So now what?

I was talking to my friend Jenn, and I told her I don't know what to do now. I know what to do when things go wrong. I know how to prepare for that. But what do I do now? How do I have faith that things will continue to go well? How do I stop waiting for the bottom to fall out?

Only time will tell I guess. I think getting past 9.5 weeks will be key. I think getting that doppler and the reassurance that things are okay will help. But at some point, I'm just going to have to start believing that this is really my time...

Here's today pic

A scare but all is well

Yesterday was an interesting day. I started spotting yesterday afternoon. Just a light/medium pink when I wiped. I freaked out as you can imagine...I mean I was doing the ugly cry and everything. I took a shower, and Patrick and I just didn't know what to do. He panicked worse than me. I was also starting to have cramps, but they felt like the kind I had last pregnancy when my uterus was contracting from stress. So we actually decided to go ahead and head down to St. Luke's ER (I do NOT trust the suburb hospitals to handle a case like mine) in the Medical Center (I actually work right around the corner from it).

The triage nurse there was absolutely wonderful! There was a horrific wait, but when she took me back to describe what was going on, she was just terrific. She was obviously sympathetic to what I've been through (to hear my whole history sounds like a horror novel), but she was sweet and understanding without seeming like she was feeling sorry for me...does that make sense? She understood my anxiety but also recognized quickly that I'm highly educated in my problems and can handle it. She made a few calls and had me in and out of radiology in under 45 minutes. The fact that my blood pressure was ridiculous probably helped speed things along! : )

In the hospital, the ultrasound techs aren't allowed to tell you what they see. Well thankfully, Patrick and I have stared at enough ultrasounds to know exactly what to look for. But they had to do the full work-up and look at everything so it took a while. They did an abdominal u/s first, and it didn't take long before we saw the muffin, and the muffin's heart beating away!! Patrick and I both saw it at the same time and we just looked at each other and laughed! She did a vaginal u/s, too, and of course, we could see everything much more clearly then. She did a close-up of the heart, and it was amazing to see the different chambers working. You could see that the sac was squished a little so my uterus was in fact contracting, but you could see it start to release when she was almost done...because I knew everything was okay!

Yesterday, I should have been 7w5d, the muffin measured 7w6d at a little over 15mm. So in 3 days, he had grown 5 days worth! His heart rate was also up to 160bpm, so everything was just terrific!

We still had to sit around for awhile, but that sweet nurse came and got me and let me read the ultrasound report on her screen as soon as it posted. Everything was normal, cervix was closed, no subchorionic hematoma, basically no cause for the bleeding that they could see in the uterus.

I had to wait for a room, then the dr. came in to see me. This was a nice time because while I had to get into the hospital gown, I got to lay in bed, and Patrick and I just watched tennis. We were so relieved and just kept laughing because we knew everything was okay. The dr. did do a pelvic exam and saw again that my cervix was closed and that the bleeding had stopped.

All we can think is that my cervix got annoyed by the progesterone...more likely I scraped the cervix trying to insert my progesterone with that stupid applicator yesterday morning...so I'm trying to not be so overzealous...LOL!

So I'm supposed to take it easy and then my normal appt with Dr. Mac is this Friday.

It really threw us for a loop though. For that split second, you just think it's all over...again...I don't want to feel that ever again.

It was so funny because they give you all these information sheets, and the first line says "Bleeding in pregnancy is common." Well I know that, but the "common" and "normal" things always seem to mean the end for me, so excuse me for panicking!!! : )

One day at a time...
Oh, I forgot to say that the muffin looks like a baby now : ) He was just floating there, you could see the cord and everything, and Patrick said he could see the little arms/legs sticking out. I was too busy watching that gorgeous heart beating. We've never seen one alive this late. The last one was the only one to grow past 6.5weeks. We saw her last at 7w3d, but when we saw her again at 9w5d, she measured 9w3d and her heart had stopped beating.

Please let this be the one we take home Lord. Please let this be the one we've waited for, the one we've fought for, the one we would not give up on. Just one...that's all I ask.