One week and counting...

Well it's countdown time...one week until my beta. Of course, I'm stuck in the age-old debate of whether or not to take an HPT at home that morning so that I have the opportunity to grieve in private rather than get the news over the phone that afternoon...we'll see...I'm leaning towards getting it over with that morning.

I've been incredibly relaxed about it this cycle. Everything has gone so perfectly that there hasn't been much to stress about. But I'm starting to feel that dread set in...that feeling that I'm going to let everyone down, mostly Patrick. He's so sure that this is it, to listen to him talk hurts my heart. He's already vetoed me playing soccer this weekend (and has me playing doubles instead of singles on my tennis team) in anticipation that I'm pregnant. He's already asking if I'm feeling anything, he's already planning ahead...he's already scaring me.

I want to believe...I truly want to believe that this is it, but I am so freaking afraid that I will set myself up for a huge fall. But who am I kidding, I already do believe and the fall is going to suck regardless of how high my hopes were.

I did a quick analysis of my fertilization history today during lunch (science makes me feel better...yes I'm a nerd, what else is new?). I don't count the first year of trying because I had the uterine septum and was consistently ovulating way late with whacked out hormones. So I checked to see how many times we had tried with a good response and good timing since July 2005 (when they resected the septum and removed what I hope was the last of the endometriosis)...we've had 5 good cycles...and I got pregnant on 3 of them. Take a second to digest that.

Our first try after surgery, I got pg (loss #3).
Right after that I got pg again on a natural cycle (loss #4).
When we started trying again after loss #4, I was having trouble with responding, so I had one decent cycle with just a trigger(progesterone was only 14 at 7dpo though). Negative.
Then what looked like a really good 50mgs Clomid cycle (follie was small, we may have triggered too early). Negative.
Then the fateful first try with Femara...which resulted in the best pregnancy to date and loss #5 due to a chromosomal fluke.

So here we are in another Femara cycle that's even better than the last...how could I not hope, right?

7 more days.