Nope

I took a test this morning...it was negative.

Over the course of the last few days, I had actually convinced myself that I was pregnant. Damn those meds for convincing my body, too. At about 4am this morning, I couldn't sleep anymore so I took a test...just ridiculously negative. I went back to sleep and kept dreaming (having nightmares?) that it turned positive...over and over I woke up to realize which was the reality.

There is something very difficult about that first negative after a miscarriage. It's like you're trying frantically to "catch up" to where you should be that the denial of a positive now just seems like such a betrayal. All you want is to be pregnant again, and to be so close, I guess it's just a bigger let down...the realization that there's still work to do, and that you have to pick yourself back up.

Yet, you find yourself grieving that loss all over again. And for someone like me, I guess I grieve all the losses at once. It just all comes flooding back to me. I don't think I'm able to truly move on from the last loss until I get that first negative.

I didn't cry very much this morning. I cried (and prayed of course) while I waited the 3 minutes for the test, but afterwards, there were very few tears. I'm just waiting for it all to hit...I know I'll have no control when it does.

I'm at work now, but taking a short day. My co-workers know why it's a bad day so they've convinced me to eat badly (there's a bacon cheeseburger on the way). I plan to go to the gym when I get home, then do a little more work, and then have a great night with Patrick. I'm basing what I want for dinner on what I want to drink...tossup between a good cabernet and some dark beer at the moment...we'll see what strikes me later.

I did go for my bloodwork this morning, so of course I'll have further confirmation that it's negative by the end of the day. Somehow hearing it from someone else makes it more real...I expect the breakdown to come sometime after getting the results.

That's it for now...we move on.