Still going....

So there was drama last Friday. Thursday night I started having cramps, and then I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting anymore...then the worst...I started getting that feeling that something was wrong (which has happened every single time). By Friday morning, I was extremely emotional, still cramping, still no sore boobs. I called Terri at Dr. Mac's. They told me to come in at 3pm. Patrick met me there.

Apparently everyone at Dr. Mac's had been upset since my phone call. Dr. Mac came in the room before my u/s and hugged me and said we'd figure it out no matter what. Everyone was waiting to see...and as soon as we started, Patrick saw the heartbeat from across the room. He was fine. My uterus was contracting a little though (they said from the stress), so they told me to take it easy over the weekend. So I did.

I went back yesterday (they had me at 7w2d and hey, they're experts, so I'll go with their dating), and he was measuring about 7w. The heart rate went up again (it was 122bpm at the first one, 138bpm at the second one, and 152bpm yesterday). We could even see the cord and see him floating around in there. The heartbeat was really strong and loud. They said all looked well, and now I have to sit and wait. My next appt isn't until Jan. 4th.

I told Patrick that normal women would have the u/s I had yesterday, the dr. would say they looked great, and they wouldn't have another appt for like a month and probably not another u/s until 20 weeks. We're happy, but still cautious. We're trying to learn to enjoy everyday, and let go just a little bit.

The good with the bad...

So according to my RE's office, the ultrasound went great. We saw the sac, the yolk sac, the embryo, and the heartbeat at 122 bpm. But (and there's always a but with me isn't there?) the embryo only measured 6w when I know I should have been 6w3d. Yes, I know that u/s are +/- like 5 days, but still....it worries me.

Seriously, Terri couldn't have been more positive about it. She said there's nothing to worry about, but then said she knows I'll worry anyway.

It's less about measuring 3 days behind and more about the fact that we're in the danger zone. They always stop growing at 6.5 weeks...we can't ever cross that hump. I feel like everything rests on these next few days, and that's an awful lot of pressure.

I'm absolutely terrified, and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. My ultrasound will be Tuesday, and time couldn't possibly go any slower...I just need to know.

Surely God wouldn't do this to me 2 Christmases in a row....I just have to keep believing that this is finally the one that was meant to be...

Less than 24 hours....

Less than 24 hours until my ultrasound tomorrow, and I've never been more terrified. I've joked that it's like post-traumatic stress disorder, but I'm not really joking. I've had so many bad ultrasounds...so much devastating news delivered to me as I lay there staring at the screen. I know that this is just part of the process, another step along the way, that in order to get there I have to have GOOD ultrasounds...but it's hard. It's hard to put aside the pain of the last 3 years and keep believing that this is really the one. I know everything is different this time...
Why not me?
It's been so many other people so many times...why not me? Why not this one? Why not now?
Please let this be everything that we've ever dreamed of, let this be the one that gets me through this, let this be the one we've waited for. Please...

Just keep swimming....

I went for more bloodwork yesterday. My hcg has climbed to 13,380 and my progesterone is at 40. They said not to worry about the drop in progesterone, that it fluctuates, and that there's no concern when it's up that high this far along.

So now I wait for my ultrasound in exactly one week....going to be a long week.

I truly believe that this is it. Every part of me believes it, and I can see that Patrick wants to, too. Please don't let me be wrong...

It does help that I'm having a few symptoms. Nausea is fun, I really mean that. I love having a reminder that things are as they should be.

One day at a time...
Just keep swimming...