Hell week

Please, please let this round of bad luck be over! I won't call last week the worst week ever...but I will say that it was a really, really, annoying, no good week. Let's see.

* Patrick broke his ankle in our soccer game, but thankfully he can walk with a brace and is still able to do things for himself.
* His starting setter on his volleyball team dislocated her kneecap and is out for the rest of the season.
* One of the girls he used to coach with was in a horrible car accident, and while thankfully she will fully recover, went through the windshield and broke her neck among other things.
* One of my co-workers is accidentally pregnant (she's getting married in May) and is leaning on me heavily for support (she wasn't ready, didn't know if she wanted kids, is upset her dream wedding is ruined, but is also concerned about some cramping/spotting she's been having). Thankfully I've never shown her how much it upsets me, and she has been wonderful enough to let me know that she knows this is hard for me, but that she just needed me.
* Apparently, we're not as financially stable as I thought we were....stems from Patrick being unable to tell me "no" given all that has happened the past year and a half...had I known this I certainly wouldn't have gone on a shopping spree at Ann Taylor Loft last week!
* And the capper of the week...all the stress over all of this managed to give me my first yeast infection in 7 years...lovely. Although it seems there have been major medical advancements during this time, and all I had to do was take a single pill...at least something was easy!

So I'm really hoping that we're turning a corner and that we had to get all this bad luck out of the way to move forward!
I'm currently waiting on my period, and when it shows, off I go for my cd 3 ultrasound...if I get the green light, we've all decided (me, Patrick, Terri, Dr. Mac) that we're doing 5 mgs of Femara. The starting dose is generally 2.5mgs, so I'm happy to start at a middle dose. Not to mention, all the research I've done is suggesting that this may work MUCH better for me than Clomid. Clomid dries up your fertile cervical mucus...and I've always had a problem with that because of the LEEP procedure I had on my cervix 10 years ago. Clomid also thins the uterine lining...and I've got issues with that given the surgery to remove my uterine septum. SO...Femara does none of that, and it just seems like it might be the perfect fit for me.

So I guess I should stop pouting and start taking all my meds again to get my body ready!

Natural Selection is dead...

No response to 100mgs Clomid....wtf?

I was pretty upset on Monday....but Happy Hour and a serious heart-to-heart with Patrick made it all better. I'm okay. Frustrated, not sure what to do next, but okay.

Sounds like we might try to up it to 150mgs for a cycle...and then we'll see where to go from there. They're talking about a new drug...Femara...could be the key. Or we'll be looking at injectables.

I was feeling very broken, but Patrick was great to remind me that this is only one tiny piece of our lives...I need to approach it that way, as a side project. And so far, that's going well.

I have decided however that Natural Selection is dead...no more survival of the fittest. Patrick and I are stronger, faster, smarter than these people we see trying to get 5 kids into a minivan at McDonald's...but we can't seem to do this. How is that supposed to make sense to this scientist? I understand that I have issues, but why so many? Why us? Why wouldn't the world want us in the gene pool?

Maybe our kids were meant to take over the world or something ; ) and someone's poisoning our drinking water to keep us from procreating...hahaha. Yep, that frappucino went straight to my head! At least I'm having what I call a "well adjusted week".

Here we go again

Well I managed to go 2 weeks without missing a pill...yay for me.
And my body managed to get rid of that pesky cyst...yay for my ovary.

So I took my last birth control pill last night and Saturday...CLOMID. Only it gets better...we're doubling the dose...which means I'll be EXTRA "pleasant" this weekend and next week. Patrick's already looking forward to it (or planning his escape).

I'm still not totally into it. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready. I'm just grouchy for some reason. I think it's just the anticipation, and the knowing that we're about to put ourselves out there again...I just need to this to work so badly.

Negative Nancy

No good news...that about sums it up.

No I am not pregnant...thought I was, damn drugs thoroughly had me "feeling it"...it was a cruel, cruel joke. I got over it though, and went for my start of the cycle scan...which revealed a HUGE (37mm) cyst. Freaking LOVELY!!!

So what now? Oh yeah, that's right, I'm on birth control pills to try to shrink the cyst. Do you know how freaking insulting it is to have to be on the pill when the last thing I want anyone near me is any form of birth control???? It's such a bunch of crap.

You name it, it happens to me. It's always something, and I can't catch a freaking break.

That being said, I'm on the pill for another week and a half...then we'll check the cyst. If it's gone, then here we go again with the Clomid. Oh but wait, we're doubling the dose, as if it's possible for me to be even more unpleasant while I'm taking it. There's not enough wine in Texas.

So I'm around...just trying to forget that I ever even wanted a baby, and trying to forget that all of this crap happened to me.

A Personal Record

Well, nothing like a little hope to make the time CRAWL by. My 7 dpo progesterone check came back....32.6...a new personal record for me. It was never that high even when I was pregnant. Not that a high number means that I could be...just that if there is a little zygote floating around, it might actually have a shot.

This whole progesterone thing has really got me thinking, too. Maybe that was one of my problems. I never started the progesterone in the last pregnancy until 5 weeks (when it had dropped a little from the previous weeks). I know that falling/low progesterone can signal a "doomed" pregnancy, but low progesterone contributes to bad lining, bad circulation, bad implantation which of course could be what was "dooming" the pregnancy to start with, right? So what if this stupid little pill I put you-know-where twice a day is all I needed?

Is there such a thing as too much hope? Geez, I'm setting myself up for a fall again...I need to get back to reality...

Unnaturally happy

Seriously...it's creeping me out. I was such a superbitch with the Clomid last week, but since Saturday, I've been this positive, optimistic, happy person that I don't recognize!

I seem to be so well-adjusted to my situation. I didn't flinch when no less than 3 people asked the "kids question" this weekend. Patrick and I are all giddy about trying again (remember the giddyness of those first cycles trying...). We're making jokes about embryos and sperm and all that mess that used to be fun. We're confident that if this isn't it, we'll figure it out soon.

I don't know where it's coming from, but I just feel great. I have hope...I really believe that this will happen for us sometime...maybe not this cycle, maybe not this year...but that sooner or later our time will come.

I had let go of that thought a few months ago...but it feels so amazing to truly have that hope in my heart again.

Also, I've finally come to realize that there are so many people rooting for us...people I never would have thought that keep asking other friends how I'm doing, and other people telling us that they're praying for us. It means more than they'll ever know, and I'm grateful to have those people on our side...

Ok, little miss sunshine signing out for now.

Oh crap...maybe I should actually update something besides my pleasant demeanor...we got the green light this cycle. On Friday (cd 12) I had a 15mm follicle on my right ovary (nothing on my left, but fine by me, that side scares me since the ectopic). I had 2 others at 10mm, but those probably won't mature enough. Anyway, I triggered yesterday (cd 14) since my RE estimated they would be over 19mm by then. My lining was also 7.4mm which is excellent for cd 12 and being on Clomid. SO we're "busy" for the next 2 nights...hehehe. They did say that they'll bump me up to 100mgs IF we need another cycle (I love Terri...she was so sure to say "if we even need another one"). They just want me to move a little faster and maybe get 2-3 follicles instead of 1 dominant one. So game on!!!

Ready...

OK, that's it, we're ready. I'm ready, he's ready, my body's ready, the world better be freaking ready.

Baseline u/s yesterday showed that everything looked good. Tonight, I start Clomid again. Wonder what that's going to be like? It's so weird to think that it's been over a year and half since the last time I was on it. And I can't wait. I want to feel like I'm doing something. There's something so exciting about a monitored cycle. Yesterday, the u/s, now today through Sunday, I take my pills, then next Friday, here we go, we check follicles and go from there. I hope it will go by really quickly. I'm ready to do this, finally ready to really try, and really hope again.

I'm just ready. It's my turn, I've paid my dues, I've suffered, I've believed, I've lost hope and found it again.

It's time.

Her day...

She was due today. "She"...that's all I can bring myself to call her. The twins are referred to as...well..."the twins", and the early miscarriage last Sept is referred to as the "hurricane baby" since I miscarried during Hurricane Rita. She was lovingly called "the chicken"...until we found out she was a girl when they did the testing.

She doesn't have a name. To name her would open up a wound I couldn't face. I know naming is something that helps some people cope with the loss. I'm not one of those people. Naming her makes it too real. Naming her means I'd have to admit how much I still hurt.

So what am I supposed to do today? Pretend like I don't want to throw up everytime I inadvertently see the date? I came up with the short list of things that seem appropriate: cry, scream, throw things, drink until I fall asleep, run until i throw up...but I did all of that when I found out we lost her...what am I supposed to do now?

Am I supposed to be "adjusted" by now? Because I'm not. This is the first real due date I've had to suffer through. The due date last month of hurricane baby was just fleeting sadness...there wasn't ever enough time to get attached to that one. The due date for the twins would have been really rough...but Oct 31...that morning was when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was supposed to mourn that day, to feel the way I do today...but instead I found out she was there. What a miracle right? Surely a sign from God that my sadness was over, that I had carried my burden far enough, and that my reward was finally there.

But then more sadness...far worse than before. Because of that word..."she"...

Patrick and I had a weird little discussion on the way home last night. He knows that my anxiety has been growing, so he took me to go see Pirates of the Carribbean last night at the Movie Tavern (beer + real food + movie = happiness). On the way home, he said it was a full moon. I couldn't help but make a stupid drunk comment
"Great, then I probably would have been in labor right now."
We talked for a little and I did the usual
"I could do this, I could keep going, if I knew that it actually would happen for us sometime. But the constant fear that this is never going to work, that no matter how many times I get pregnant, this may never work...that's what I can't deal with."
To which he said
"You know why we keep going....I know you know...so just say it. Why do we keep doing this? It starts with an H."
I said "hell" of course to be a shit,
but he said "hope"...
I'm just not in the mood to hope today though...I just need to let myself be, and get through the day however I can....
I'll hope again tomorrow...

Good news, bad news, and everything in between

Ugh...

So I was totally ready to do this again! I felt re-energized, I felt healed from all of the losses, we were ready to go. But as usual, my body has failed to cooperate. I went to Dr. Mac's yesterday for my mid-cycle u/s...on cd 15. Not a single follicle over 10mm, and my lining was just under 6mm...this cycle is a bust. I was frustrated, and Terri knew that. She was honest and said she thought it was time to try something else. Patrick agreed, too, so we're back to Clomid next cycle. We haven't done it since I lost the twins over a year ago. I was on 50mgs then, but Terri said they might bump me up to 100mgs just to get an even better response. Whatever...I just want to have a chance again! So we wait for my period...the usual "call on day 1". I'm so sick of waiting.

In other news, tennis and soccer are still going well. I alternate moments of greatness is each sport...our soccer game was rough last night, but my tennis match the night before was a breeze. I'm just happy to be out there playing again!

Now for the most interesting news....we have a new member of our family. Here's the story that I wrote out to a friend....

So in the middle of the monsoon on Sunday night (we had massive flooding over the weekend and Monday), Patrick is driving home. He's getting off the highway onto the access road and sees something dart in front of his truck. I'm on the phone with him, and he says that he'll call me back. He thought it was a possum, but realized it was a very small kitten. He pulled over and looked for him. Found him cowered under a bush...wet, dirty, and covered in fleas. He looked around for a mama cat or other kittens, but he was all alone and there are no houses or anything where he was. He said he was small, I estimated 7-8 weeks, but he thought he was too small. He knew he would die (probably get hit by a car if the weather and fleas didn't kill him or he'd starve) if he left him, so when he called me back, the kitten was in the truck with him.
Now the #1 concern was Feline AIDS and feline leukemia (as a risk to our other 3 cats), not to mention the fleas. So first, genius kitten crawls into the console of Patrick's truck...after 30 minutes of searching for him we finally got him out! We wrap him in a towel and head to the store (this is at 10pm Sunday night by the way) and get shampoo, a flea comb, food, little bowls, etc. He's staying in the guest bathroom so we can keep him apart from the other cats. So we start shampooing him...the fleas are HORRIBLE. He's so irritated and is bleeding from how bad the fleas were and they were all trying to latch on....I started bawling. Patrick considered taking him straight to the SPCA instead of bringing him home, but after seeing all of the fleas, we know they would have just given up and put him down....Patrick worked on the fleas for over an hour...he wouldn't give up. We would take breaks and I would hold him in a towel. Finally, we used some flea spray that we just put on cottonballs. That helped, but they all ran to his head. We did the best we could, and left him in the bathtub with towels to snuggle, food and water (he ate like he was starving) and a litterbox made out of a shoe box (with a little doorway cut out).
Patrick woke up and took him to the vet first thing Monday morning. He weighed 1lb 2oz, and the vet said he was actually about 5 weeks old. He was negative for Feline AIDS/leukemia, but he had hookworms and of course the fleas. He got medicine for the hookworms, and he got the best medicine ever for fleas. It's called Capstar, and it worked so wonderfully!!!! He went to the vet at 7am. By 1pm, he had absolutely NO live fleas on him anymore...they were all dead and laying in his towel bedding. I sat with him for 2 hours Monday in the guest bathroom (studying for school...LOL!), and not a single flea was on him or me or in the bathroom at all!

Anyway, in less than 24 hours, he had gone from a wet, dirty, sick, flea infested, thrown away kitten, to a spunky orange tabby with the loudest purr and the cutest little pounce. He's playing with toys, eating well, using the litterbox like a champ, and is so loving. He's got a couple of scratches (one on a backleg, one in the corner of his eye, and two little raw spots above his mouth, we think he rubbed it raw from the fleas or it's from dehydration), but he's very good with his hygiene and they're looking great. We made him steps to get in and out of the bathtub (he managed to get out but then couldn't get back in...LOL!), so now when you open the door, he hops out and comes to greet you. Just this morning he started doing the rub against your legs thing....he's got such a good spirit...

Anyway, Patrick said he needed a name, so due to the massive flooding...his name is Noah. We had planned to find him a home, but he's just taken over our hearts and we can't imagine giving him away at this point.

Apparently about a month ago, Patrick was all the way over in the left lane on the highway and saw a kitten get hit by a car in one of the right lanes. He said it just made him so mad....so I think he needed to save this kitty. He was so amazing. He kept asking if he had made a mistake, if he was a sucker, or if I was mad because he could have risked our cats' health (which he didn't because we're smart enough to keep them apart which is all you have to do)...I told him that the fact that he did this is one of the reasons I married him...he has such a big heart...and to see him with this 1lb kitty makes me cry....he found him on Father's Day...and though I haven't said anything to him about it...I wonder if that had something to do with how hard he worked to save Noah....

So here's my new baby....

30 isn't so bad....

Well, I actually ended up having a very fun and relaxing beach weekend for my 30th birthday. We were laid back, I had martinis on the fishing pier, we ate good food (and an awesome b-day cake), and we danced...that's right, I said we. Patrick totally let loose and danced on my birthday and that totally made the night!

So now I'm moving on...SO much going on. Just call me Sporty Spice for the summer. I've playing in 2 tennis leagues (and doing pretty well!), and I did it. I'm playing in the Over 30 soccer league. I had what was probably the best game I've ever played last night. I scored!! I'm a defender so that never happens, but we didn't have any subs, so I switched to play forward and after several attempts (including a respectable penalty kick that went straight to the goalie) finally a beautiful shot went in. It made me feel good when patrick said "I saw the ball go in, and I had to look back and make sure it was you that shot it". : ) I'm sore today, but it's totally worth it!

So what now? Remember I said that we'd be out of the running due to timing this month. Well my idiot body decided to surprise me last month and ovulate early...either cycle day 18 or 19...earliest ever for me. I realized when it was happening but "things" did not cooperate and we missed the window...oh well, I drank guilt-free on my birthday. However, ovulating early meant getting my period early (early by my standards....like before cycle day 40!) which means we could actually try this month. So we talked, and decided to go for it. My mid-cycle u/s is Thursday....if there's a good follicle, then we trigger! I'm tired of waiting. I'm not going to stop living life for this anymore, but I'm also not going to sit on the sidelines!

So that's it. I've got tons of schoolwork to do, lots of soccer games and tennis matches to play, I should manage to keep myself pretty busy until the end of this cycle....and we'll just see what happens.

I really feel like I haven't truly had the courage to try since the last miscarriage. We've only seriously tried once since then...just once...and even then, my heart just wasn't in it. But now I'm ready again...I really am. We both are. When we decided to go for it this month, there were no tears...just a mutual "It's time." The decision felt good...and I feel more at peace...