Happy Holidays!

Before I forget, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! I'll be leaving work today and not coming back until after the New Year, so hopefully, I'll be too busy resting and working around the house to get online. ; )

We have so much to be grateful for this holiday season, but it's still hard to forget the difficult times we've had...especially thinking of the holidays. Three years ago, my grandfather passed away unexpectedly...on December 29th. I was away in Virginia for school already. I was actually doing a take-home final in my hotel room while he was in emergency surgery. Everyone thought everything was going to be fine. But in the middle of the night, the phone rang and Patrick answered, and as soon as I heard the tone of his voice, I knew what my mom had called to say. At that moment, my world came crashing down. I had yet to experience "loss" at that point in my life. I had never had a miscarriage, I had never lost a close friend or relative, I'd never been the one at the funeral that people were giving condolences to. My grandparents raised me until I was 14...he was as much my dad as he was my grandfather. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I still remember sitting in the airport that day waiting for my flight...time seemed to move so slowly. I didn't know how to deal with that kind of pain...but I guess God had me in training. Two months later I was pregnant, what a miracle...but over the course of 4 weeks, I would go through 2 more losses...I'd get good at it before it was all over.

But back to the holiday issue. I've found myself a little depressed this holiday season...what on earth do I have to be depressed about?!? Well I finally figured it out. The holidays have been the source of a lot of sorrow for me in the past few years. 3 years ago, the death of my grandfather...we buried him New Year's Day. 2 years ago, I was suffering through my 4th loss. I ended up with a D&C on December 23rd and spent Christmas at my parents in my pajamas, bleeding and cramping horribly. And then last year....all the promise that the pain was over only to have it end so very badly. I was pregnant last Christmas, that was actually when we told my family. I was pregnant but so very worried because I was still in the "dangerous" first trimester. I was pregnant last New Year's...but two days later I started spotting and then it was all over again...loss#5. I was wondering why I had such a hard time finding my Christmas decorations this year and why nothing was packed the way I usually do it. Then we remembered that I wanted nothing to do with it. Patrick put away everything, took down the tree, I'm pretty sure I was downstairs drugged post D&C. Another holiday season ending in tragedy.

So how do I do this now? Here we are, with everything that we've ever dreamed of this holiday season. As this little one kicks me as I write this, I think it comes back to the fact that I still have a hard time believing this is really happening. Patrick gets happier by the day. He'll be on the phone complaining about something at school and then the minute he walks in the door and sees my belly, his whole demeanor changes. She's already had such an impact on our lives, but why am I still so afraid to believe this is real?

That's my Christmas wish this year...I wish for the courage and the faith to enjoy every second of this pregnancy, every second of this little girl's life. Lord knows that we've fought long and hard for this, and I'm still in absolute awe that our prayers have been answered.

Merry Christmas everyone.