Happy Holidays!

Before I forget, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! I'll be leaving work today and not coming back until after the New Year, so hopefully, I'll be too busy resting and working around the house to get online. ; )

We have so much to be grateful for this holiday season, but it's still hard to forget the difficult times we've had...especially thinking of the holidays. Three years ago, my grandfather passed away unexpectedly...on December 29th. I was away in Virginia for school already. I was actually doing a take-home final in my hotel room while he was in emergency surgery. Everyone thought everything was going to be fine. But in the middle of the night, the phone rang and Patrick answered, and as soon as I heard the tone of his voice, I knew what my mom had called to say. At that moment, my world came crashing down. I had yet to experience "loss" at that point in my life. I had never had a miscarriage, I had never lost a close friend or relative, I'd never been the one at the funeral that people were giving condolences to. My grandparents raised me until I was 14...he was as much my dad as he was my grandfather. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I still remember sitting in the airport that day waiting for my flight...time seemed to move so slowly. I didn't know how to deal with that kind of pain...but I guess God had me in training. Two months later I was pregnant, what a miracle...but over the course of 4 weeks, I would go through 2 more losses...I'd get good at it before it was all over.

But back to the holiday issue. I've found myself a little depressed this holiday season...what on earth do I have to be depressed about?!? Well I finally figured it out. The holidays have been the source of a lot of sorrow for me in the past few years. 3 years ago, the death of my grandfather...we buried him New Year's Day. 2 years ago, I was suffering through my 4th loss. I ended up with a D&C on December 23rd and spent Christmas at my parents in my pajamas, bleeding and cramping horribly. And then last year....all the promise that the pain was over only to have it end so very badly. I was pregnant last Christmas, that was actually when we told my family. I was pregnant but so very worried because I was still in the "dangerous" first trimester. I was pregnant last New Year's...but two days later I started spotting and then it was all over again...loss#5. I was wondering why I had such a hard time finding my Christmas decorations this year and why nothing was packed the way I usually do it. Then we remembered that I wanted nothing to do with it. Patrick put away everything, took down the tree, I'm pretty sure I was downstairs drugged post D&C. Another holiday season ending in tragedy.

So how do I do this now? Here we are, with everything that we've ever dreamed of this holiday season. As this little one kicks me as I write this, I think it comes back to the fact that I still have a hard time believing this is really happening. Patrick gets happier by the day. He'll be on the phone complaining about something at school and then the minute he walks in the door and sees my belly, his whole demeanor changes. She's already had such an impact on our lives, but why am I still so afraid to believe this is real?

That's my Christmas wish this year...I wish for the courage and the faith to enjoy every second of this pregnancy, every second of this little girl's life. Lord knows that we've fought long and hard for this, and I'm still in absolute awe that our prayers have been answered.

Merry Christmas everyone.

22 weeks pics...getting rounder

I swear, the bump is really much more impressive in person, the pictures don't do it justice ; ) Just in the past couple of days, people have FINALLY started noticing that I'm pregnant. It's really much more exciting than I had imagined. Patrick is absolutely in love with this belly, he said seeing me grow just gives him reassurance that everything is going as it should. Of course, she kicked him pretty good yesterday, too, so that helps. ; )

So here are the latest pics! As usual, the progression...


the newest pic...notice my nice increase in weight! Finally, the scale is starting to move...hopefully it doesn't start to move too fast, but for now, I'm happy with the change of pace!

and then this is how I looked last night before the soccer booster club meeting.

Not much on tap for the next few days. I might try to get some holiday baking in, and we're definitely going to see I Am Legend tomorrow on IMAX (although I'm pretty sure that I won't stop crying for hours if/when something happens to the dog...). We're attempting a garage sale maybe on Saturday to try to get rid of some stuff, but we'll see if we're motivated enough to do it...LOL!

Extreme Makeover: Nursery Edition, Stage One

Well the room that was previously known as "the office" is now officially "the nursery". That room has been through major issues. It used to be functional, but honestly, I think I become more and more distanced from that room as things got worse for us. It was always "the office" but it was also always "the room that will be the nursery." So as that possibility grew less and less, I didn't even want to see the room. Over the course of the last year and a half, I don't even think I'd been in there but twice. The door had been closed, random things would get stored there, and it became the clutter room. I was too afraid to look in there because I knew I would think about the fact that there should have been a baby in there by now...

So this before picture, really doesn't do the room justice. There were bookshelves, a large computer desk, a sewing machine table, random boxes of books, backpacks, etc. occupying all of this room. It just became the room for things we didn't want to deal with. So to open that door was a huge step for us. Patrick cleaned it out in a matter of a couple of days. This is what it looked like once everything was out.

You can actually see our paint trial on the wall at that point...LOL!

So over Thanksgiving weekend, Patrick and my dad proceeded to paint the entire room in my preselected colors. : )


And they also managed to lay down new flooring which they were able to finish in a couple of days (Thanks to the tool loaning fairies for saving us!!).


So there it sits...waiting for my next move. ; ) I probably won't do a whole lot until after the showers. We need to order the furniture and the bedding. I also plan to do some painting of dragonflies, flowers, etc, but I really need to find the time! It would probably be easier to do that before the furniture gets here so maybe that will be my Christmas-New Years week project.

Anyway, we go in there once every couple of days and just walk around. It's so clean and fresh...just this wonderful new start for a room...it truly amazes me to think that this room will belong to someone we haven't even met yet...but someone we've waited for for so long...

Belated Tummy Update

I'm so bad at this. I'm getting ready to take my 22 week pictures in 2 days, and I'm just now posting my 20 week pictures!! Sorry!! There's definitely been A LOT of growth since we took these a couple of weeks ago!!

Here's my total progression again with the newest pic added (apparently my photographer decided to do a little more of a close-up this time...LOL!).



And here's what I look (looked...LOL!) like in clothes. Pardon Tristan's tail in the bottom of the picture...LOL!


I can't wait for my pictures on Wednesday. I've been SO sore everynight that there's all sorts of growing and stretching going on, it's GOT to show up in the picture this time!!!

Leaving the State of Denial

I'm truly attempting to leave the state of denial. There's an actual baby in here. I know because I feel her move. Patrick can feel her move (at 20w1d), and I can see my tummy move when she kicks if I'm paying attention (she's a strong one!). I'm having a baby. There's a room that's dedicated to her. Clothes and shoes and toys that we've gathered through the years...and it was all meant for her. I'm really having a baby, and whenever I start to doubt or forget that fact, she kicks me to remind me that she's really there...and she's really mine.

My hormones are a joy lately, and anything can make me cry. I've avoided everything baby for so long that now the sight of a tiny sock can trigger waterfalls from me. This is really happening. Patrick seems more well-adjusted to this fact than I am, but it's really starting to hit me now.

Speaking of Patrick, he's been completely cracking me up lately. First, we were driving home one day, and he started to ask me about the models in my Fit Pregnancy magazine. He said that maybe I could do that...LOL! When I told him that I am and always will be too short to be a model, he proceeded to say that half the pictures were of women sitting down, so he couldn't see why it mattered. I also told him that the pregnant women in the magazine, while really pregnant, were also real models...LOL! Just the fact that he considered me pregnant-cute enough to suggest I could model pregnant was enough to make me feel even more comfortable with this changing body of mine....or maybe he just wanted to golf this weekend ; )

Continuing with my goofy husband, last night he was attempting to talk to the baby, and I told him he needs to talk directly to the belly. So he puts his mouth on my belly and says what? "Baby.....I am your father" in his best Darth Vader voice. Luckily, she already appreciates his silly sense of humor and kicked.

I definitely owe you some pictures. First of the nursery work done over Thanksgiving. And then last week's belly picture at 20 weeks. I'll try to remember to download those tonight!!!