Unnaturally happy

Seriously...it's creeping me out. I was such a superbitch with the Clomid last week, but since Saturday, I've been this positive, optimistic, happy person that I don't recognize!

I seem to be so well-adjusted to my situation. I didn't flinch when no less than 3 people asked the "kids question" this weekend. Patrick and I are all giddy about trying again (remember the giddyness of those first cycles trying...). We're making jokes about embryos and sperm and all that mess that used to be fun. We're confident that if this isn't it, we'll figure it out soon.

I don't know where it's coming from, but I just feel great. I have hope...I really believe that this will happen for us sometime...maybe not this cycle, maybe not this year...but that sooner or later our time will come.

I had let go of that thought a few months ago...but it feels so amazing to truly have that hope in my heart again.

Also, I've finally come to realize that there are so many people rooting for us...people I never would have thought that keep asking other friends how I'm doing, and other people telling us that they're praying for us. It means more than they'll ever know, and I'm grateful to have those people on our side...

Ok, little miss sunshine signing out for now.

Oh crap...maybe I should actually update something besides my pleasant demeanor...we got the green light this cycle. On Friday (cd 12) I had a 15mm follicle on my right ovary (nothing on my left, but fine by me, that side scares me since the ectopic). I had 2 others at 10mm, but those probably won't mature enough. Anyway, I triggered yesterday (cd 14) since my RE estimated they would be over 19mm by then. My lining was also 7.4mm which is excellent for cd 12 and being on Clomid. SO we're "busy" for the next 2 nights...hehehe. They did say that they'll bump me up to 100mgs IF we need another cycle (I love Terri...she was so sure to say "if we even need another one"). They just want me to move a little faster and maybe get 2-3 follicles instead of 1 dominant one. So game on!!!

Ready...

OK, that's it, we're ready. I'm ready, he's ready, my body's ready, the world better be freaking ready.

Baseline u/s yesterday showed that everything looked good. Tonight, I start Clomid again. Wonder what that's going to be like? It's so weird to think that it's been over a year and half since the last time I was on it. And I can't wait. I want to feel like I'm doing something. There's something so exciting about a monitored cycle. Yesterday, the u/s, now today through Sunday, I take my pills, then next Friday, here we go, we check follicles and go from there. I hope it will go by really quickly. I'm ready to do this, finally ready to really try, and really hope again.

I'm just ready. It's my turn, I've paid my dues, I've suffered, I've believed, I've lost hope and found it again.

It's time.

Her day...

She was due today. "She"...that's all I can bring myself to call her. The twins are referred to as...well..."the twins", and the early miscarriage last Sept is referred to as the "hurricane baby" since I miscarried during Hurricane Rita. She was lovingly called "the chicken"...until we found out she was a girl when they did the testing.

She doesn't have a name. To name her would open up a wound I couldn't face. I know naming is something that helps some people cope with the loss. I'm not one of those people. Naming her makes it too real. Naming her means I'd have to admit how much I still hurt.

So what am I supposed to do today? Pretend like I don't want to throw up everytime I inadvertently see the date? I came up with the short list of things that seem appropriate: cry, scream, throw things, drink until I fall asleep, run until i throw up...but I did all of that when I found out we lost her...what am I supposed to do now?

Am I supposed to be "adjusted" by now? Because I'm not. This is the first real due date I've had to suffer through. The due date last month of hurricane baby was just fleeting sadness...there wasn't ever enough time to get attached to that one. The due date for the twins would have been really rough...but Oct 31...that morning was when I found out I was pregnant with her. I was supposed to mourn that day, to feel the way I do today...but instead I found out she was there. What a miracle right? Surely a sign from God that my sadness was over, that I had carried my burden far enough, and that my reward was finally there.

But then more sadness...far worse than before. Because of that word..."she"...

Patrick and I had a weird little discussion on the way home last night. He knows that my anxiety has been growing, so he took me to go see Pirates of the Carribbean last night at the Movie Tavern (beer + real food + movie = happiness). On the way home, he said it was a full moon. I couldn't help but make a stupid drunk comment
"Great, then I probably would have been in labor right now."
We talked for a little and I did the usual
"I could do this, I could keep going, if I knew that it actually would happen for us sometime. But the constant fear that this is never going to work, that no matter how many times I get pregnant, this may never work...that's what I can't deal with."
To which he said
"You know why we keep going....I know you know...so just say it. Why do we keep doing this? It starts with an H."
I said "hell" of course to be a shit,
but he said "hope"...
I'm just not in the mood to hope today though...I just need to let myself be, and get through the day however I can....
I'll hope again tomorrow...