A cure for infertility?

Yep, I've got it, just come work with me! Seriously, another one of my co-workers is pregnant (they just started trying in Jan., she's already 8 weeks), and of course, I hear this second-hand because no one wants to upset the "infertile one". I know it's actually much more sensitive than that, and she really doesn't want to hurt me, but shit...that's right, I said shit, and much worse words are going through my mind right now...

I am sick of everyone tip-toeing around me.
I am sick of not being in control of my emotions.
I am sick of being the statistical anomaly.
I am sick of being sick.
I am sick of it being everyone's turn but mine.

Everytime I think I'm getting to a better place, something else sets me back. I just wish that everyone else could stop getting freaking pregnant and just let me have my turn. Have I not earned it, have I not worked hard enough for it, have I not suffered more than anyone I know for this? What the hell do I have to do? Someone tell me because I'll do it, I've taken all the pills, poked myself with more needles than I can count, endured so much physical and emotional pain, what more can I possibly do?

I really just want to go home, have a good cry, and a good bottle, I mean glass, of wine...but I have tennis tonight which means I'm stuck here until it's time to play...Lord help the person across the net from me because I have a lot of aggression that's going to come out tonight in the form of a cross court backhand.

Waiting it out

Just kind of taking it day by day right now. We played in the tennis tournament this weekend, and had a pretty good time aside from the bad weather and the crappy things that did to our game. We both won our first singles matches on Friday (I even beat the #3 seed), and I ended up as the only unseeded player in the quarterfinals. Then the bad weather came, and screwed up the schedule, and we ended up playing on indoor courts AND playing short sets (you start at 2-2)...that really screwed us up since we're both slow starters. So needless to say we both lost in the next round. We didn't even get to play mixed doubles until about 7pm Sunday night. We easily could have won the match, but we were adjusting to doubles, to each other, and of course the stupid short sets. We lost respectably to the #1 seed (6-7, 4-6), and best of all we had enough fun to want to try it again. : ) I think Patrick was pretty impressed with the way I played against them!

So anyway, we're busy all over the place. My weeknight singles league ends tonight, and then my combined league starts next week. Patrick's league starts Saturday, and I'm also going to start practicing with the Kingwood ladies starting this Saturday, so lots of tennis at our house!

Meanwhile, my next dr. appt is Monday...5 days away. Supposedly, we're doing an u/s to see how my lining is recovering from surgery and responding to the estrogen (I think I've been fairly pleasant considering!). And then we'll have a plan...I don't even want to think about what the possible outcomes might be. I don't want to get my heart set on trying again soon only to find out that we'll be pushed back another 3 months or something...so I'm just waiting it out for now, and we'll see.

I love my Mom!

My mom freaking rocks. My parents and my little (is he still little at 6'3" and 23 years old?) brother were here to visit, which worked out well since Patrick was gone to a tournament all day Saturday. Mom and I went to a massage at a place called Massage Envy. It was great, and she ended up buying me a membership! So I get a massage once a month, AND they just pile up month to month, you don't lose them. So WHEN (like that renewed optimism) I get pregnant again, I can save them through the 1st trimester, and then get one like every 3 weeks during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters...AWESOME! Anyway, we had a great visit, and it was good to see everyone.

Not much else going on here. Still trying to keep up the exercising. The soccer game was rough yesterday, but I actually played well...slowly but surely my timing is coming back, so I actually saved a goal and made some decent defensive plays...but it was hot and humid and gross...LOL! Definitely need to spend some time on the tennis court this week because we've got the big tournament this weekend...I'm sure to lose, all the state's best players will be there...I'm talking almost all the top 10 in the state...and I'm ranked 74...LOL! BUT this will mark the first time Patrick and I play mixed doubles together, so I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it...I don't want to let him down!

Warning: Woman on Estrogen

So my appt with Dr. Mac went well yesterday. We talked for awhile, and we came up with a plan. He really wants me to do 21 days of estrogen to build up my lining (since they cut into my uterus again). Apparently he wanted to do that after surgery, but he and Patrick talked about it and Patrick said it makes me crazy...this is what happens when men make decisions by themselves. Anyway, the estrogen would #1 get me to stop bleeding! and #2 be the best tool to get us back on track sooner. So we decided to do half the dose we did after the big septum surgery in July 2005. So far so good, yesterday I felt like you do when have to double on birth control pills because you forgot one. Today is a little better...not nearly as bad as the last time I took them. If I'm down to spotting by tomorrow, then I schedule an u/s in 3 weeks (and we could even be given the green light to try that very next cycle!). If I'm still bleeding tomorrow, then I go in for an u/s tomorrow...we shall see.

In other news, I ran 2 miles straight (and in 18 minutes) for the first time since...yah...November. It felt good, but I'm sore today and have a tennis match tonight. I need a nap!

The Constant Problem Child

Seriously...can something please go easily? So prepare yourself for way TMI...I have been sitting on some form of sanitary napkin be it a pantiliner or the current post-surgery floatation device since MID NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!! I cannot stress enough how sick and tired of this I am! First it was the progesterone suppositories while I was pregnant...fine, I can deal with that, but this constant bleeding, spotting, more bleeding since JANUARY 5th is driving me f-ing crazy! So anyway, I'm STILL bleeding bright red w/clots today, so I call Dr. Mac's office. It's one of those situations where they said it's probably not an issue, and with anyone else they would just tell them to wait until their post-op appt Friday, but it's me, and they're being extra careful. Turns out they're seeing patients one day a week at Kingwood now, their day is tomorrow, and low and behold I was planning to work from home tomorrow. So they're seeing me at 11:30.

I hate this...I'm sure it's nothing, but as my friends say, with me, it's always something! I think my body is just having a rough time, but I also want to do what's best to get back to trying as soon as possible. So if going on the pill for a couple of months to normalize all of this is the key, then let's just start that now rather than waiting a couple more weeks to see what happens!

Aside from this wonderful Monday morning update, we had a terrific weekend! Just wonderful together time, one of those weekends that just made me miss Patrick the minute he walked out the door this morning...I don't know what I'd do without him.

Friday : )

Doesn't matter how bad your week has been, the early morning realization that it is indeed Friday makes it all a little better. ; )

So we have a busy weekend (what else is new). I am DETERMINED to get out and exercise this afternoon. Yes, it's only 1 week since surgery, but Dr. Mac said I could! Just a little jog this evening to see how it goes. Although Patrick's stupid cold (I refuse to claim this cold, he got sick first and dangit, I've had more than my share of colds in the past couple of months!) is still driving me nuts...if I can be done running by 6, then I think I'll beat the evening stuffies/coughing misery...oh darn, guess that means I need to leave work early ; )

Anyway, we have 2 parties to go to tomorrow...the unfortunate thing is that the 1st is a 1st birthday party and the second is my favorite neighbor and good friend's going away party thrown by her playgroup buddies...this translates to HOURS of kids running wild...luckily all of these people believe in parenting aided by wine/beer/mixed drink so the infertile can find peace as well ; ) Not to mention the last party is 2 blocks over so I think I can walk that far!

Anyway, then we have soccer on Sunday...that'll tell me how out of shape I've gotten these past couple of weeks! Somewhere this weekend we also need to clean the whole house because my parents are coming next weekend, play tennis because the next tournament is in 2 weeks, and go to the movies because I really want to see Reign Over Me....so yah, busy weekend : )

Duh...chromosome results

Boy I suck at this lately. I never even posted the most important finding of the past couple of months...the chromosome results....another girl...but this one was 45X....that's right, Turner's Syndrome, one of the most common causes of first trimester miscarriages. Just freaking bad luck...why it had to happen to me after 4 other miscarriages, I haven't a clue, but it gives us hope that if we do it all again...the Femara, the progesterone, the daily heparin injections, everything...that this next time will be the time. We only want one, that's it...just one little miracle. And as defeated as I sound post surgery, we're nowhere near ready to give up. But it's hard to stay focused in this stupid recovery time...you feel like you're treading water just trying to keep your head up...and I can't swim.

I'm still alive

I think I've done the "ignore it and it will go away" thing, but apparently that doesn't work with infertility. I'm exhausted, annoyed, and ready to go home, so I'll give you the quick run down.

I had surgery again on Friday...yep, the adventure never ends with me. I NEVER felt quite normal after the last miscarriage. Constant spotting, and then a sonohysterogram that showed "something" in the uterus. After 2 days of methergine, a lot of bleeding, and a lot of cramping, they checked again. Still something there. So Dr. Mac decided to go in with the tool they use for an endometrial biopsy and see if they could get it out...after a very painful clamp on my cervix and even more painful "fishing" for the "clots", clots came out and we redid the sonohyst...still there...freaking lovely.

After a nervous breakdown and much urging by everyone around me, we went for a second opinion. She was great, and she absolutely supported all of my treatment so far. She agreed that we'd found the magic combination and that we should just try again. She also said that whatever is in there had to come out.

So this past Friday, I went for the surgery. Low and behold there was even a little bit of septum left...not enough to cause a problem, but hey, they were in the neighborhood. So they resected the remaining septum, and removed the tissue (not clot) that was still attached to the wall...lovely, my body can do nothing right. I slept Friday, and on and off through the weekend. Ended up being too tired to make it to work yesterday, but I'm here today. I'm grouchy, tired, and I have a sore throat, but I'm down to spotting, not cramping, and feeling some semblance of normal...I'm hoping all will be well by the end of the week!

So that's the quick update for now. I'm sure I'll be posting more as time goes on...as I heal and get back at this again...what a long road this has been...and the prospect of getting back on the highway...terrifying at this point...

It's over....again

Took me awhile to get around to updating...it's over.

Last Tuesday evening (1/2), I started light brown spotting. I panicked. Same Wednesday, but I still felt pregnant, and I was hoping that everything would still be okay. The u/s Thursday was the most painful one I've ever had to witness.

There was this perfectly formed baby...with arms and legs, just floating....he measured 9w3d and I was 9w4d...but he didn't move...and there was no heartbeat. When I first saw how big he was, there was just this moment of "Oh my God, everything is okay...", but then slowly it sunk in. I couldn't bear to look at Patrick across the room. Dr. Mac came in and confirmed...everyone was upset. I cried quite a bit before I got dressed. Terri came in a bit later, said she was so sorry, hugged me, and then I felt her start to cry, too. Kara hugged me later, too, after I'd calmed down. They scheduled me for a D&C early the next morning, so we sat around for quite a while so they could do all the paperwork, bloodwork, etc. Luckily Dr. Mac didn't have any patients after us, so we sat in his office and talked about the possibilities. He wanted to do another hysteroscopy to check for scar tissue from my surgery. I told him to go ahead and take a peek after the D&C, that maybe he could get a clear view. So they changed my surgery orders and added it.

We talked about testing...but I'll leave that for another day. In a nutshell, the plan was..
1. Hysteroscopy to check for scar tissue.
2. Chromosome testing of the fetus
3. Immune panel testing
4. Who the hell knows

The D&C went fine. Afterwards, Patrick said Dr. Swaim (my ob/gyn) was there and wanted to say hi. She came in and hugged me, and (still drugged), I went on to tell her that I was hoping to surprise her in a couple of weeks...I've been so lucky to have so many great people care for me during all of this.

The recovery has been okay. I started bleeding a lot on Tuesday, and it's still going today. This morning, I got the wonderful shock of milky discharge from my breast...yep, that sent me into a meltdown. Right now I'm just mad because I want my body back, I want control of my emotions, I want to stop being reminded that I'm still going through this, I want some sense of normalcy...I want to forget for a little while.

More later...I'm sure I'll have lots to say.

Still going....

So there was drama last Friday. Thursday night I started having cramps, and then I noticed that my boobs weren't hurting anymore...then the worst...I started getting that feeling that something was wrong (which has happened every single time). By Friday morning, I was extremely emotional, still cramping, still no sore boobs. I called Terri at Dr. Mac's. They told me to come in at 3pm. Patrick met me there.

Apparently everyone at Dr. Mac's had been upset since my phone call. Dr. Mac came in the room before my u/s and hugged me and said we'd figure it out no matter what. Everyone was waiting to see...and as soon as we started, Patrick saw the heartbeat from across the room. He was fine. My uterus was contracting a little though (they said from the stress), so they told me to take it easy over the weekend. So I did.

I went back yesterday (they had me at 7w2d and hey, they're experts, so I'll go with their dating), and he was measuring about 7w. The heart rate went up again (it was 122bpm at the first one, 138bpm at the second one, and 152bpm yesterday). We could even see the cord and see him floating around in there. The heartbeat was really strong and loud. They said all looked well, and now I have to sit and wait. My next appt isn't until Jan. 4th.

I told Patrick that normal women would have the u/s I had yesterday, the dr. would say they looked great, and they wouldn't have another appt for like a month and probably not another u/s until 20 weeks. We're happy, but still cautious. We're trying to learn to enjoy everyday, and let go just a little bit.