The good with the bad...

So according to my RE's office, the ultrasound went great. We saw the sac, the yolk sac, the embryo, and the heartbeat at 122 bpm. But (and there's always a but with me isn't there?) the embryo only measured 6w when I know I should have been 6w3d. Yes, I know that u/s are +/- like 5 days, but still....it worries me.

Seriously, Terri couldn't have been more positive about it. She said there's nothing to worry about, but then said she knows I'll worry anyway.

It's less about measuring 3 days behind and more about the fact that we're in the danger zone. They always stop growing at 6.5 weeks...we can't ever cross that hump. I feel like everything rests on these next few days, and that's an awful lot of pressure.

I'm absolutely terrified, and I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. My ultrasound will be Tuesday, and time couldn't possibly go any slower...I just need to know.

Surely God wouldn't do this to me 2 Christmases in a row....I just have to keep believing that this is finally the one that was meant to be...

Less than 24 hours....

Less than 24 hours until my ultrasound tomorrow, and I've never been more terrified. I've joked that it's like post-traumatic stress disorder, but I'm not really joking. I've had so many bad ultrasounds...so much devastating news delivered to me as I lay there staring at the screen. I know that this is just part of the process, another step along the way, that in order to get there I have to have GOOD ultrasounds...but it's hard. It's hard to put aside the pain of the last 3 years and keep believing that this is really the one. I know everything is different this time...
Why not me?
It's been so many other people so many times...why not me? Why not this one? Why not now?
Please let this be everything that we've ever dreamed of, let this be the one that gets me through this, let this be the one we've waited for. Please...

Just keep swimming....

I went for more bloodwork yesterday. My hcg has climbed to 13,380 and my progesterone is at 40. They said not to worry about the drop in progesterone, that it fluctuates, and that there's no concern when it's up that high this far along.

So now I wait for my ultrasound in exactly one week....going to be a long week.

I truly believe that this is it. Every part of me believes it, and I can see that Patrick wants to, too. Please don't let me be wrong...

It does help that I'm having a few symptoms. Nausea is fun, I really mean that. I love having a reminder that things are as they should be.

One day at a time...
Just keep swimming...

Could this be it?

Things are going well....really well....so well, I'm kind of freaking out.
First, the betas...
I had one with Dr. Mac on Monday at 16dpo. Hcg = 560, Progesterone = 53 !!!
I cheated and had them run one in our lab downstairs today at 18dpo and hcg was 2047 ....Patrick keeps asking about twins! We'd totally take them!

My numbers are excellent...better than they've ever been.

One more important thing...on Monday, I started having this feeling about heparin. That maybe I just needed to ask them if we'd considered it. It's the only thing we're not trying this time, and if I lost this one, that's what they'd add next time. I just kept thinking that I needed to at least bring it up. I called Terri Tuesday morning, and 30 minutes later she called back. Dr. Mac reviewed my history again and said that other dr.s would probably go ahead and treat with heparin. He said it wouldn't hurt, and if I was up for it, we should go for it. So this morning, I picked up my heparin, and Kara showed me how to give myself the shot...I get to fill the needle and everything, which of course, I think is fun because I'm a nerd. : ) So 10 pills every night, a pill up you-know-where twice a day, what's a shot in the stomach once a day right? ; )

I just didn't want to look back a month from now facing another loss and wondering "what if".
Now, especially with the amazing beta today, I know that I'm an doing everything in my power to make this work. Maybe God put that heparin idea into my head for a reason...and now I'll leave it in his hands...for once...and try to enjoy this.

I go back on Monday for more bloodwork with Dr. Mac.

9....

Well, I got my beta results late Tuesday afternoon, and I haven't really been able to focus since. My beta was a 9 at 10 days past ovulation (with 32.2 for progesterone). It's very low, but it's positive. From everything I've read and heard, it seems perfectly reasonable for 10dpo (when some people haven't even implanted yet). Throughout the holiday weekend, I continued to take HPTs. One Wed morning, the lightest line in the world, Thursday was darker, Friday darker, Saturday even darker, and Sunday way dark. On Saturday, I even decided to take a digital. It said "pregnant" in less than 30 seconds. I think I'm done taking HPTs now. ; )

So today I go for a repeat beta. I'm hoping for great numbers. Terri at Dr. Mac's had said we want to see over 100, but I want to see over 200. I also want to see a great progesterone number....

So I'm on the rollercoaster again, and so grateful to be here!

Waiting...

It's only 10dpo, but I went for my beta this morning. The office is closed the rest of the week, and they all wanted to know before the holidays. Theoretically, we should see something, mind you, it might be a beta of 7!

I'm pretty pessimistic right now. Two days ago I was convinced this was it! But since last night, the pessimism and reality of it all has set in. I think it's just a defense mechanism, but I've been pretty glum today. It's hard to put all that hope into that one little vial of blood. I just feel like I'm going to disappoint everyone yet again today...

So I wait...

The Courage to Believe Again...

Well, here I am...hopeful again in the middle of the prettiest cycle I've had in almost 3 years of trying. Femara is WONDERFUL!! It turned me into a normal girl!

On my cd 13 ultrasound, they found one beautiful juicy 20mm follicle and a luscious lining of 8.2mm. My body was ready! We triggered last Thursday...were "busy" Thurs-Sat, and now we wait...

It's hard to think about the possibilities. We've only had maybe 3 good chances this whole year (I was pregnant this time last year). People like me wait for even the opportunity to have a cycle where they might get pregnant...and here it is.

So we wait...and we hope.

Hell week

Please, please let this round of bad luck be over! I won't call last week the worst week ever...but I will say that it was a really, really, annoying, no good week. Let's see.

* Patrick broke his ankle in our soccer game, but thankfully he can walk with a brace and is still able to do things for himself.
* His starting setter on his volleyball team dislocated her kneecap and is out for the rest of the season.
* One of the girls he used to coach with was in a horrible car accident, and while thankfully she will fully recover, went through the windshield and broke her neck among other things.
* One of my co-workers is accidentally pregnant (she's getting married in May) and is leaning on me heavily for support (she wasn't ready, didn't know if she wanted kids, is upset her dream wedding is ruined, but is also concerned about some cramping/spotting she's been having). Thankfully I've never shown her how much it upsets me, and she has been wonderful enough to let me know that she knows this is hard for me, but that she just needed me.
* Apparently, we're not as financially stable as I thought we were....stems from Patrick being unable to tell me "no" given all that has happened the past year and a half...had I known this I certainly wouldn't have gone on a shopping spree at Ann Taylor Loft last week!
* And the capper of the week...all the stress over all of this managed to give me my first yeast infection in 7 years...lovely. Although it seems there have been major medical advancements during this time, and all I had to do was take a single pill...at least something was easy!

So I'm really hoping that we're turning a corner and that we had to get all this bad luck out of the way to move forward!
I'm currently waiting on my period, and when it shows, off I go for my cd 3 ultrasound...if I get the green light, we've all decided (me, Patrick, Terri, Dr. Mac) that we're doing 5 mgs of Femara. The starting dose is generally 2.5mgs, so I'm happy to start at a middle dose. Not to mention, all the research I've done is suggesting that this may work MUCH better for me than Clomid. Clomid dries up your fertile cervical mucus...and I've always had a problem with that because of the LEEP procedure I had on my cervix 10 years ago. Clomid also thins the uterine lining...and I've got issues with that given the surgery to remove my uterine septum. SO...Femara does none of that, and it just seems like it might be the perfect fit for me.

So I guess I should stop pouting and start taking all my meds again to get my body ready!

Natural Selection is dead...

No response to 100mgs Clomid....wtf?

I was pretty upset on Monday....but Happy Hour and a serious heart-to-heart with Patrick made it all better. I'm okay. Frustrated, not sure what to do next, but okay.

Sounds like we might try to up it to 150mgs for a cycle...and then we'll see where to go from there. They're talking about a new drug...Femara...could be the key. Or we'll be looking at injectables.

I was feeling very broken, but Patrick was great to remind me that this is only one tiny piece of our lives...I need to approach it that way, as a side project. And so far, that's going well.

I have decided however that Natural Selection is dead...no more survival of the fittest. Patrick and I are stronger, faster, smarter than these people we see trying to get 5 kids into a minivan at McDonald's...but we can't seem to do this. How is that supposed to make sense to this scientist? I understand that I have issues, but why so many? Why us? Why wouldn't the world want us in the gene pool?

Maybe our kids were meant to take over the world or something ; ) and someone's poisoning our drinking water to keep us from procreating...hahaha. Yep, that frappucino went straight to my head! At least I'm having what I call a "well adjusted week".

Here we go again

Well I managed to go 2 weeks without missing a pill...yay for me.
And my body managed to get rid of that pesky cyst...yay for my ovary.

So I took my last birth control pill last night and Saturday...CLOMID. Only it gets better...we're doubling the dose...which means I'll be EXTRA "pleasant" this weekend and next week. Patrick's already looking forward to it (or planning his escape).

I'm still not totally into it. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready. I'm just grouchy for some reason. I think it's just the anticipation, and the knowing that we're about to put ourselves out there again...I just need to this to work so badly.