That Girl: An Exercise in Fertility Futility

A New Chapter

2010-12-27T22:49:00.002-06:00

So it's no surprise that this blog has sort of fallen off the radar. Just in case anyone checks back here, the story continues...the tone is different, the scope has changed, and the endings are happier. To those of you still on your journey...I wish you success, luck, but most of all, I wish you peace wherever your road ends...

The new blog...
http://moonmadness13.blogspot.com/

Funny Chicken

2009-08-25T13:17:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I need to be better about this, but hey, I'm working on it : )

I had a particularly funny day with Larkin yesterday and just thought I'd share my little chicken's antics.

Funny moment #1: Upon stretching, straining, and reaching awkwardly across her and her carseat to get the stuffed Tigger on the opposite side of the car and hand it to her, my chicken smiles and tells me "good girl".

Funny moment #2: Got her to school, sat her down in the kitchen with her breakfast nervous about how sticky she'll be eating waffles with syrup, I stop to fix her hair. While I'm doing that, she quickly stabs a piece of waffle with her spork and puts it in her mouth. As I sit there in awe, she does it again...and gives me a look like "what?" Turns out she can use a fork (well, spork) to feed herself...who knew!?

Funny moment #3: Getting home from school and looking through her bag, wondering how long her nap was...
Me: What does your sheet say?
Larkin: Baaaaaa

Oh and the whole "spell it out" covert tactic that most parents use with toddlers is apparently not foolproof. When discussing whether or not we should get her a S-N-A-C-K this weekend, she looked at us and said "Ya, eat, nack". Are you kidding me? We're in so much trouble!

Looking Back

2009-07-31T15:57:00.002-05:00

So I do have in mind a series of “Reflections” posts, but this seemed a fitting place to start…just a general look back highlighted by a particular annual event that was held recently.

A little over 2 years ago (why does 2007 seem like a decade ago?), we had a small gathering of friends up in our neck of the woods. It was planned for awhile, and the unfortunate timing of it left me licking my wounds (although let’s be honest, when was I NOT licking some sort of wound from 2004-2008). This was a group of friends from college, some of whom we used to see regularly, some rarely, ALL who were successfully procreating in some regard. Several kids at the gathering, but most difficult were two pregnant friends…who were due within a couple of weeks of when I should have been due with that latest miscarriage (which thankfully ended up being my LAST miscarriage). Nothing bothered me more in those days than to see a large belly, a doting husband, all the anticipation and excitement of a stage I could never reach…and didn’t know if I ever would. To see “where I should have been” was always the sharpest knife to me…especially since all around me were “should have beens”…a toddler running around (could have had one that age), a new baby barely learning to sit up (could have had one that age), and the bellies (SHOULD have been there at least, right?).

So this is what we looked like in 2007.

When I first saw the picture, I wrote it off as us being tired (we were playing in a tennis tournament that weekend and were truly exhausted). But reflecting on it now, I see such tremendous sadness in this picture. The worst of it is that I don’t look the saddest. I see an image of myself fighting through it, putting on a smile. But Patrick’s look…I know that one well, and it hurts me to my core that he was ever in that place…because I still feel like it was me that drug him down that hole. I could/can handle my pain, but to remember what it put him through…well those scars ache a bit still.

But on to happier busier times. In 2008, we had the second annual gathering. What a difference a little over a year makes. Here we are, one chubby little chicken, and a teeny tiny bun in the oven. All that aching/wanting to be either the mama or the pregnant lady at these gatherings and here I get to be BOTH the same year…LOL!

Can you see the terror on my face? Patrick looks absolutely content, and I swear my face is saying “Is it too hot out here for her? Is that bug flying towards her? Did I just start spotting? How am I going to handle another baby?” all at once. : )

Flash forward one more year to our third annual gathering in 2009. Our amazing family all looking in the general direction of the camera, two fulfilled albeit tired parents, and two unbelievable, miracles in their own right, children. Yes, I’m still neurotic about germs, schedules, crying, etc, but hey, I’m getting there. The fact that all 4 of us made it out of the house this put together is a true testament to how far we’ve come ; ) So here we are…this is what the other side of hell looks like…and it’s absolutely wonderful.

The Kellen Update

2009-06-25T10:57:00.004-05:00

Oh where to start with my sweet boy. He’s yet to have a nickname stick. I’ve alternated between froggy (for how he’s constantly making jumping motions with his legs when he’s excited) and lobster (he’s always pinching me!), but Larkin’s nickname for him has stuck the most…Kiki…LOL!

I’m sure you’ll remember how I always said Larkin was a super easy baby (you’ll at least remember how you hated me for that…LOL!), well Kellen was/is a bit more “challenging”. Feel better now?

The good news is that he’s well on his way to being a good/happy baby now but we definitely had some rough spots. He cries…Larkin NEVER cried. He still cries everytime we attempt to get him to sleep…it’s normal for him (and apparently for most babies, who knew!). But for the first few weeks, he was miserable when he wasn’t sleeping. He fought with his bottle the same way Larkin did, spit up through his nose daily, would cry inconsolably (again Larkin could ALWAYS be soothed) at times, and just seemed to genuinely not be happy. Somehow that translated into me not letting anyone else help with him (I didn’t want to burden anyone else with it I guess), so he became completely attached to me and it led to bonding issues with him and Patrick.

I also got extremely paranoid about Kellen and Larkin touching…Typhoid Mary was always sick, and I was terrified he would get it. Again, it led to issues with me feeling alienated from Larkin, and clinging to Kellen even more. He did get sick, bronchiolitis at 2mo. It was horrible, we all had it and trying to take care of everyone while worrying like crazy and being sick myself was the hardest week of my life. So I have another kid with “asthmatic tendencies”, but he’s another tough cookie! Kept smiling through every breathing treatment and coughing spell. But again, him being sick made me that much more protective of him.

Finally I started to let go of my hold on him…and he’s happier for it. He has the biggest sweetest smile and the nose wrinkle that goes with it sometimes completely melts my heart. Patrick can get him laughing like crazy, and he’ll squeal if you try to clean under his neck. Everytime Larkin gets near him, he just smiles at her in adoration. Even after she’s just finished hitting him in the head, he smiles at her.

So while I can say the first few weeks were rough, we’ve settled into a rhythm. Last night, both kids were down for the night at 7:30pm…and no one got out of their room until 6:30am. It’s absolutely wonderful. He took a little while longer than Larkin to be a good sleeper, but he’s in the groove now! We’re so excited.

He’s reaching for things, playing in the Exersaucer, sitting up well with support, eating his bottles very well, just about ready to roll over (which of course will re-ignite my obsession with staring at the monitor all night…ugh!), and growing like a weed! His visit this week at the doctor revealed that he’s 17 lbs…he’s pretty much on par with Larkin’s weight, but somehow he doesn’t look quite as round as her (maybe he has bigger bones?). I have no idea how long he is since he won’t sit still long enough for us to measure, but he’s definitely over 25 inches at this point. He’s wearing 9 month clothing…he’s 4.5 months. I know I talk a lot about how big my kids are, but it’s truly such a comforting thing to me. To give birth to these tiny babies who go on to have weight gain or feeding issues and then see them grow into these strong little people…it’s just such a relief.

So now, your first real glimpse at Kellen…
February (2 weeks old), long skinny thing

March (1 month old)

April (2 months old)

May (3 months old)

The Larkin Update

2009-06-22T13:19:00.002-05:00

So my little chubby chicken has grown a whole lot in the past few months. She continues to dominate the growth charts at 90% for height and weight, but she’s starting to slim down a bit now that she RUNS everywhere she’s going. A quick recap of what she’s been up to.

My poor little chicken has also been nicknamed Typhoid Mary…she picks up every respiratory bug running around. She’s been labeled as having “asthmatic tendencies” but does very well with her inhaler when she’s sick. They even have her on daily Flovent just as a preventative…she usually has no idea she’s sick…LOL! She did have tubes put in her ears in January, but unfortunately, she’s STILL gotten ear infections after. We head to the ENT next month for a follow-up, so I’m curious to get more info on what else we could possibly do.

She started walking right around her first birthday and hasn’t stopped since! By all accounts at school, she’s “tough”. The few “bloody” incidents we’ve had have resulted in minimal tears if any (mostly bitten tongues/lips from falls…LOL!). She just keeps right on playing regardless of what happens.

She is extremely strong willed, and we’re starting to have to deal with that…she definitely understands well enough to know when she’s doing something she’s not supposed to, so we’ve started using “timeout” for safety issues like when she won’t stop standing up in her chair or leave a cord alone, etc. We’ve gotten a glimpse of a couple of tantrums, so we know we’re in for it soon!! LOL!

She talks…A LOT! Seriously, she babbles constantly, but she actually communicates extremely well for a kid her age. Her first real word (used purposefully) was a toss-up between “go” and “ball”. Flash forward to 14.5 months and her word list (again, words she can use with purpose not just repeat) consists of the following (that I can remember at the moment): go, ball, mama, dada, nana, papa, keke (Kellen), hi, bye, hey, cat, dog, please, help (which comes out “helpa” and cracks me up!!), up, down, thanks, shoes, socks (which unfortunately comes out “cocks”…we’re working on that one), yes, no (of course!), simba, elmo, baby, more, wawa (water), cookie (that was a new one this weekend), etc. And then we have the animal sounds that seem to multiple everyday: baa, moo(boo), nay, bzzz, meow, woof, caw, bawk, etc. Seriously, she’ll talk your ear off already and picks up everything and uses it as a pretend phone!!

So here are some long awaited pictures! She’s currently (at 14 months) just over 27 lbs and 31 inches…you know the whole “double their height when they’re 2yrs” thing? Let’s just say she’s pretty much guaranteed to be taller than her mama at this point…LOL!

November 2008 (8 months)

December 2008 (9 months)

January 2009 (10 months)

February 2009 (11 months)

April 2009 (1 year)

May 2009

We caught some cute pictures of the kids this weekend, so I promise to keep them coming!!! Kellen's update complete with pics will be next!!

The Family Update

2009-06-16T15:36:00.003-05:00

So just a quick minute to update you on how we’re all doing. I was lucky enough to stay home with Kellen through the end of May. Larkin continued to go to school but would spend a few days home with us now and then…that took some careful coordination, but I survived. I’m now back at work full-time, Larkin is still going to school most days, and Kellen is home with Patrick. Once August rolls around, Kellen will go to school, too. I dread it…just because I like knowing that he’s at home, but I know it’s a necessary part of the process. I miss them terribly when I’m here at work, but it makes me more grateful for the time I have with them otherwise.

I did pretty well after having Kellen. Breastfeeding went terrific…well at least pumping and bottlefeeding him did…LOL! We did well for the first 3 months, but then back to back illnesses (me AND the kids) killed my supply…all at the time that he decided he wanted to eat a lot more, so by 4 months I was done. I did what I could, and he got a whole lot more than Larkin did.

Still trying to get back to my dissertation…hoping to hop back on that in the very near future…hard to find the time, but now that Kellen is experimenting with an earlier bedtime?? We’ll see.

As for future family expansion…I’d say we’re most likely done. To ensure that we didn’t have to worry about that for awhile, I went ahead and had an IUD placed a couple of weeks ago. I’ll let you know what I think of it in a few months.

Post-baby body...looking pretty good. I'm actually about 5lbs lighter than when I got pregnant with Larkin, so I got rid of the baby weight plus the extra 5lbs I was carrying around from the fertility meds...feeling pretty good, I'll have to find the latest picture of me and post when I can (we went to a wedding so I was actually "dressed"...LOL!).

So for a preview of what’s to come, following this update, there will be…
The Larkin Update
The Kellen Update
and then the post I’ve been itching to write…
Reflections on the past 5 years…where we’ve been and where we’re going.

I’ll leave you with a couple family pictures…
Our first family photo

Mother’s Day 2009

Kellen's Birth Story

2009-06-15T21:36:00.003-05:00

Where to start…

My pregnancy continued to go really well in the fall. It took us awhile to adjust to the idea that we were having a boy, but it was a wonderful surprise in a pregnancy that was one big surprise beginning to end.

I started having fairly regular contractions in December though which started to make everyone a little nervous. I also seemed to be getting bigger faster, but in the end, I was about the same size I was with Larkin. In early January, I had a little excitement…I lost my mucus plug in the bathroom at work. I called the dr. to ask about it but because I was having an active contraction day and there was blood tinged mucus, I had to go into the hospital to get checked out. I was about 32 weeks at that point. They hooked me up to the monitors and of course, contractions every 3-5 min, but they didn’t feel like the “real thing”. Anyway, got stuck with 3 shots of terbutaline (sound familiar? LOL!) and that stopped it. Dr. Swaim then agreed to not put me on total bedrest but to put me on as limited activity as possible.

My wonderful boss agreed to let me work from home most days, so I ended up only going in 1 day a week. My due date was March 9th, but we had a tentative induction date of Feb. 24th. With restricted activity, we figured we could make it until then. I had lots of contractions though, some days worse than others…I had a feeling I wasn’t going to make it.

On Thursday, Feb 5th, I had an especially active day. That evening, I felt really bad. I remember telling Patrick that I was starting to think I wouldn’t make it to induction day, that something just felt “off”. When I woke up the next morning, Larkin was still in her room and Patrick had gone downstairs to make her bottle. I had slept really miserably and when I walked to the bathroom, I felt achy…I remember sitting on the toilet and thinking to my groggy self “I feel like I’m on my period”…then the realization came to me that beyond the crampiness, I was having the familiar “blood flow” feeling…I shocked myself awake when I looked into a toilet full of blood.

Somehow I managed to go into crisis mode and head straight for my phone. I called my doctor’s answering service and let them know what had happened. By the time I got downstairs and told Patrick, the dr. on call was calling me back and telling me to head straight to the hospital. If the bleeding started soaking through then we were to stop at the nearest ER. Patrick hurried to get Larkin ready to go to school, I helped and tried not to move much. Strangely, I had packed my hospital bag the NIGHT BEFORE! How crazy is that?

We knew we were looking at two options. #1 (best option) I was ripping through my cerclage #2 (bad option) I was having a placental abruption. The end story is actually kind of interesting…you’ll see.

So we head off to drop Larkin off at school, all the while I’m keying into my trusty contraction timer on my IPhone…yep, contractions are 3-5 min apart, and these do feel like “real” ones…complete with the downward pressure...you know the "being squeezed like a tube of toothpaste" feeling. All the way there, I’m trying to explain it all away and say that I’m sure it will be nothing, but I was in total denial and was in total labor! Patrick meanwhile proceeded to make jokes and get stuck in traffic. I told him to put on the flashers and drive on the shoulder…he refused, at which point I told him that if he didn’t hurry I was going to kick him out of the car, leave him there, and drive the rest of the way myself…he laughed.

I never thought I’d be the woman walking into the hospital having contractions. My labor was to be carefully planned and coordinated…not a mad dash on a Friday morning…I didn’t even get to shower or put on make-up! So I make it all the way up to L&D where they are expecting me. Multiple tests ensue, and I’m asking how long they think I’ll be there…hah! Once they get me hooked up to the monitor, they say that I’ll be there “awhile”.

The doctor on call (which coincidentally was the same doctor on call my very first visit to Woman's Hospital...for my emergency ectopic...) comes by and says that I’m only 1cm dilated but that she can see blood and thinks I’m ripping through my cerclage. Contractions were also very regular and at 35.5 weeks, they weren’t going to stop them. We’d have to see if they stopped on their own. She calls Dr. Swaim while they draw my blood, we fill out paperwork etc. I remember asking the nurse if she thought this was it and she just said that my contractions were very regular…but I could see in her eyes that I was in trouble. I had to fill out more paperwork for a “premature delivery”, and panic started to set in.

Then comes Dr. Swaim, walks in joking. They’ve decided they have to cut my cerclage. It takes two doctors, a nurse, Patrick, and about 20 minutes of torture to get it done. Those 20 minutes were easily the most painful of my life, and you all know how much crap I've been through. I remember the first cerclage removal being really uncomfortable, but this took probably 4 times as long and was done WHILE I was in labor and having major pressure and contractions…I hadn’t even had a Tylenol, it was fairly brutal. I made it through though, not a single tear/yell/whine (just a few owowowowow, are you done yets). The minute they finally cut it, Dr. Swaim said I immediately dilated from 1cm to 3cm. That’s when she said we’re having a baby today…and before I could process that info, she broke my water…

…THAT'S when I started crying. They were concerned I was in pain, but I was only terrified that it was too early…that I hadn’t done my job and kept him in longer. I was so worried that he wasn’t going to be okay.

To be honest, the next few hours are a blur. There was some debate as to whether I could have an epidural because I had taken my last heparin injection about 12 hours prior. The funny thing is, that was the first time I had switched from the Lovenox. If I’d taken the Lovenox, an epidural would have been a big NO. They decided to run some bloodwork to check my clotting/platelets and then consult the anesthesiologist. This was around 9am. In the meantime, we’re filling out paperwork, calling parents, they’re explaining how things will be different with a preemie, I’m panicking and still in denial that it’s happening.

The contractions were very regular, very strong, and there was A LOT of pressure. Finally a little after 10am, I get “approved” for my epidural. My nurse walked out for a second, and I told Patrick that I thought I was in trouble…I felt the urge to push, but I didn’t want to tell the nurse because I knew if she checked me, she’d say no epidural. About 10 min later, the anesthesiologist walked in and placed my epidural…a few minutes later, they checked me and I was complete…oh really, what a surprise! The epidural this time was interesting…I never lost feeling in my legs at all, I had complete control of them and could have walked myself to the bathroom….weird. So now I know that I "could" have made it through birth with no pain meds...but the epidural allowed me a few minutes to calm down a little before I had to push.

Anyway, considering that it took me 4 pushes to get Larkin out, they moved pretty quickly to get everyone ready. Kellen took 2 pushes…that’s right…2. I still tore though, oh well! The other interesting thing was that there was blood in the amniotic fluid...a placental abruption had started! For once, my body may have actually done something right and forced him out before it got too dangerous for both of us...the possibilities terrify me.

I heard him cry right away so that was comforting, but in less than 30 seconds, he was whisked out of the room. Apparently, for infants under 36 weeks, they have to take them to a stabilization area where they are seen by the neonatologist. Then they have to be monitored in the NICU for a minimum of 6 hours. So where Larkin was placed on my chest immediately and left there for an hour, I barely got a glimpse of my son.

They came and got Patrick a few minutes later, so at least someone was with him…but I felt very detached. A few more minutes later, they brought him in and let me see him briefly…and then away he went to the NICU.

The next few hours were very rough…I just couldn’t quite accept what had happened. I hadn’t even gotten to hold my son…

Patrick and my mom quickly recognized how disconnected I was and became really worried. The nurse was sweet enough to wheel me over in my bed to see Kellen on my way to my post-partum room. It almost made it worse…I got to touch his foot, but to see this tiny baby in the NICU just upset me even more because it reminded me of Larkin’s time there. I was a mess.

So once my epidural wore off, Patrick ran off to get a wheelchair and take me (force me) to see my son. Finally, I got to hold him…and then the tears came…and things started to get better.

Kellen Patrick was born at 11:17am on February 6, 2009 weighing 5lbs 9oz and measuring 18 inches long.

He was so small, and I was terrified that something was going to happen to him. But he did wonderfully. After his 6 hour NICU stay, he graduated to my room, and I kept him with me as much as possible. He didn’t have a single problem with jaundice…always in the absolute normal range. I credit this to our immediate formula supplementing! I did not want a repeat of Larkin’s issue although I was sure it would happen since it’s common in siblings and he was so much earlier. But we just kept bottle feeding and I started pumping the same day…he avoided jaundice, started gaining weight, and my milk came in terrific! Lessons learned from last time!

So here’s the first picture…LOTS more to come!!

November....

2009-06-04T21:09:00.002-05:00

So I was thinking to myself "Self, what happened in the fall that led to you not posting anymore?" Then I remembered the month of November...it was one big blur.

Larkin got sick, which you'll come to learn is the norm at our house. But she got really sick, major cough, congestion, then came the wheezing and inconsolable crying (by both of us). We ended up at the ER on a Saturday afternoon, it was a disaster. Her pulse ox sucked (down to 87 when sleeping) and her test results showed RSV, so we spent the night in the hospital. All the while, I'm of course very pregnant (I think maybe 20-21 weeks at this point?) and coming down with the "cold" as well. Luckily, Larkin did great and only spent one night there. We did end up having to do breathing treatments with her at home, and she of course had a horrible ear infection, but she recovered very well. What should have been a "cold" in an adult turned into major illness in a stressed out and pregnant mom. I was in misery, poor Patrick had to do it all, and my parents helped out a ton...all the illness ran straight into Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving ran straight into Christmas preparation, all the while I'm stressing out about the early contractions, and that pretty much steamrolled into January...where the rest of the story will continue shortly.

Here's our holiday picture...

I'm Baaaaacccckkkk!!

2009-05-21T21:02:00.002-05:00

OK, I'm sure this will annoy most of you, but this is just a promise that I will return to this blog very soon with a complete recap of the past few months. I also promise to post regularly again and keep you up to date on the daily craziness of our life!!

Nutshell recap...all is well with our happy family of four. Kellen Patrick made a surprise early appearance (35.5 weeks) on February 6th. I'll post details of the delivery day soon, but suffice to say, he did amazing and even came home with us. After starting out at 5 lbs 9oz, he is now weighing in around 15 lbs at 3.5 months...LOL!

Larkin is a crazy little (well not so little either) munchkin. She's walking, talking, dancing, and is my personal mini-me.

I'm so unbelievably grateful. After talking with many people over the past couple of months that have followed this blog and missed my updates, I felt it was only right to come back to this...to continue to post as much about the happiness as I did about the pain...so that others can see it come full circle.

...may we never forget where we came from.

More soon...

Happy Halloween!!

2008-10-30T13:05:00.002-05:00

Yes, I know Halloween is tomorrow, but who knows if I'll get around to posting then.

All is well here. I'm growing...straight out as a matter of fact, it's hilarious. I promise to post belly shots soon, there's definitely a baby in there now as I've passed from the "Is she or isn't she?" stage to "oh my God, is that lady pregnant again?" based on the wide-eyed looks I got at the mall the other day while pushing the stroller...LOL!

Anyway, we're cruising along here. Larkin is terrific, she has an ear infection actually, but you wouldn't know it by the way she is acting. Which reminds me of a PSA, have you seen those EarCheck monitors that are supposed to tell you if there's reason to see the dr. for an ear infection...PIECE OF CRAP. I was using that thing all weekend and early this week, and everytime it came up on the lowest "Fluid not likely" setting...and low and behold yesterday, fluid in the right ear. I plan on writing to them whenever I have a chance, in a couple of years most likely.

Many of you will be happy to know that I am EXTREMELY busy right now...every evening is spent working on my dissertation!! I am really working hard, and with a little luck should be officially graduating in August...but I've really got to keep moving. Someone remind me this will all be worth it in the end...

The good thing about it is that I work in the evenings after Larkin has gone to bed, so while I'm utterly exhausted, I don't feel like I'm missing any time with her, and that's very important to me.

OK, enough talking, just time for a quick glimpse at the cutest little chicken you'll ever see.

Tyrone Strikes Back!

2008-10-10T13:48:00.002-05:00

Well we've had an interesting week. I had my perinatologist appointment on Wednesday. We decided it was best for Patrick not to go because it was a busy day for him with the last of the hurricane make-up games, he needs to save his days off in case Larkin gets sick or for when this baby gets here, and Dr. Kirshon's office is always running late so it can turn into a whole day thing!!
Plus, the 18week ultrasound is all about finding out the sex, and we already found out at our NT scan, right?
...
right?
....
so we thought!

It's a BOY!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Kirshon asked if we knew the sex and I told him, yes, you told us girl last time, to which he said "Did I? Did I say 80% girl?" I said "No, you said 90% girl" and he said "Well 1 in 10, this is a boy!" LOL!

Can you believe it???? There "it" was plain as day, no mistaking it!! We're having a boy, we're having a son.

The nurse was just as happy as I was I think. It was just such a surprise! So she put a piece of paper in an envelope that says "Congratulations, it's a BOY!" along with a picture of the "money shot". When I got home, I gave the envelope to Patrick and his response was "What?!? How did that happen?" LOL!

I think we're both still in shock, and this week has been so busy that we haven't had a chance to sit down and really talk about it and enjoy it. Hearing it has been like finding out all over again. You plan out in your head life with 2 daughters, you think you know what you're doing, and then you find out you'll be raising a boy along with your daughter! Craziness!!

I am unbelievably excited though, and this just feels right to me. WHEN all goes well in a few months, we will consider our family complete...who would have ever thought in just 2 short years that all of this would have happened. We are so very lucky!

I'm jumping out of my skin because I get to tell my parents in a few hours...they're on their way here for the weekend!!!

She's 1/2!!!!

2008-10-10T13:40:00.002-05:00

Well on October 1st we celebrated Larkin turning 0.5 years old. ; )

Two days later we headed to the dr. for her 6 month appt. I still find it hard to believe that I gave birth to a petite 6lb2oz baby who at 2 weeks old was at the 5th percentile for weight (50th for height and 10th for head circumference). I always tried to make myself feel better by remembering she was two weeks early, but my how times have changed!!!

At 6 months, we are now...
19lbs 6 oz that would be the 90th percentile
26.5 inches long that would be the 75th percentile
42cm head circumference that would be the 45th percentile

She's in 12-18 month clothes if you can believe that! She's sitting up on her own (although has a tendency to teeter over in pursuit of a soccer ball or rattle that gets too far away from her), she can get across the floor fairly effectively but tends to go backwards quite a bit, and she has A LOT to say. They just told us yesterday at daycare that she and another baby (cute little babygirl, 3 days older than Larkin and probably half her size...LOL!) were sitting in their Bumbos having a hilarious conversation. They said one would talk and then the other would wait and listen while the other talked and every now and then apparently someone would say something funny because they'd both start laughing...LOL! No wonder she gets bored with us on the weekends, we don't speak her language ; )

Return to Normalcy

2008-10-10T13:12:00.004-05:00

Everything is pretty much back to normal now. It took about 2 weeks before we had power and were all back under the same roof, and a few more days after that until we got cable/internet, but all is well!
I really owe you some new pictures of Larkin. For now, here are a few of my favorite proofs from her session right before the hurricane, she was just over 5 months in these pics!!

Stupid Hurricane

2008-09-19T11:04:00.002-05:00

Well I've been away from my blog because I've been away from home...what a mess after this stupid hurricane!!

Early last week it looked like Ike was going to head further south, straight for my parents. So we made jokes all week about how grandma and grandpa were coming back to visit. Then the damn thing turned and kept inching closer and closer to Houston. By Wednesday, the panic was starting...In the time it took me to go to the bathroom, Patrick had consulted with my mom and had decided that she would be picking up me and Larkin the next day. The whole thing was just a mess....

So Mom got to Houston about mid-day on Thursday, we packed up, and off Larkin and I went south. Patrick had school all day and then had to work on boarding up the house, getting everything out of the backyard, etc, so he finally made it down there about midnight. We didn't even get a sprinkle or a breeze where we were, but luckily DirectTV had decided to carry a local Houston channel so we could watch everything that was happening.

Patrick headed back on Saturday afternoon once the storm had passed. Starting Thursday, you couldn't get through to any Houston-based cell phones, but thankfully text messaging worked most of the time. The last we heard from any neighbors was at 3am, and that was to say our house was fine, but a tree had gone through one of the other houses. Patrick got back to see that besides some windblown plants in the backyard, we were fine (our neighbors with the tree will be gutting the house and rebuilding, it was pretty bad). Needless to say there was no power, so Larkin and I stayed with my parents.

We continued to live with my parents for an entire week! School was cancelled, so Patrick had no reason to sit there in the dark so he returned to my parents on Monday afternoon. Yesterday morning (Thursday) we came back to Houston because I needed to go back to work. Because we STILL had no power, I had to leave my sweet baby girl behind...and spend my first night (except for those two nights in the NICU) without her. Luckily, "grandma's house" is her "normal" right now, so I wasn't too worried...but I definitely felt like a part of me was missing. Patrick picked me up from work last night and we went to the movies (what else is there to do!), we also went to Target and then headed home to the dark. The cats were happy to see me as I'm sure they were convinced that Patrick had buried me in the backyard. Woke up this morning and I'm back at work. Patrick is picking me up at 3 so that we can make it back to my parents before Larkin has to go to bed. : ) I can't wait to squeeze my little munchkin!!!!

I am now the last person in my lab WITHOUT power (4 more people got power last night), and we didn't even see the utility trucks anywhere near our neighborhood. We'll spend the weekend with my parents, and then figure out what to do on Sunday. We're in the "power restored by Monday" zone, but I'm not very optimistic at this point. I don't want to spend more time away from Larkin, so maybe on Sunday I'll start to think of creative ways around the power issue for her...taking it one day at a time at this point.

Oh, and Lathonya has a new name.... Ka-a...pronounced Kadasha...let's just say we did not make that name up!!! LOL! We'll just call her K for now...LOL! She's doing great, and the flutters have begun...which is really helping me bond with her...plus, the pooch is getting bigger. More pictures on Monday, so if we have power, I'll post the 8w.12w.16w comparison. Can you believe I'm almost 16 weeks!!!

Cross your fingers that we get power this weekend!!!!

Cerclage #2 is in!

2008-09-04T11:17:00.004-05:00

My cerclage went off without a hitch on Tuesday. Thankfully (for us) Gustav stayed east, and all went as scheduled. My surgery was scheduled for noon, but when we checked in at 10am, they were already calling for me from the OR. So with a quick check-in, changing, checking the baby on the doppler, goodbye to Patrick, set up the IV, go over the procedure, talk to the anesthesiologist, joke with Dr. Swaim, and I was wheeled into the OR at 11am! They're NEVER early...LOL! It went terrificly, and apparently Patrick ran into Dr. Mac in the hallway, and he was thoroughly confused as to why I needed a cerclage. Dr. Swaim explained to his shock I'm sure...LOL!!

One of the nurses was explaining my history to another nurse and it cracked me up "She went through years of infertility and miscarriages to finally get her daughter, and now they can't make it stop"...LOL!

Anyway, minimal spotting Tuesday and yesterday, nothing so far today. No Tylenol or anything after, just some napping and a lazy day at home with Larkin yesterday.

I'm still avoiding the maternity clothes, but my pants are starting to ask for mercy so we'll see how long that lasts!

12 Week Visit with Dr. Kirshon

2008-08-29T10:19:00.002-05:00

So it was time for our 12 week ultrasound with Dr. Kirshon on Wednesday. I wasn't nervous at all in the days leading up to it, but somehow when I pulled into the parking garage, it all hit me....hard. Unfortunately, Patrick and I had to take separate cars, so I arrived first and had some time to myself.

I think I had truly still been in denial that I was actually going to have another baby, that I was really pregnant, that things could actually work out AGAIN when they had failed so many times. The odds just never seemed in my favor. So as I sat there in the car, feeling like I was going to throw up (and morning sickness has mostly left me this week), I realized how absolutely terrified I was that they were going to tell me that something was wrong, that this one wasn't viable, or that things didn't look good, that there was some sort of horrible defect. After all, this one wasn't conceived in the wonderfully controlled environment that Larkin was. I wasn't faithfully taking my prenatals or extra folic acid, I was playing soccer, tennis, and running, I was drinking full caff Starbucks (which yes, now I know is ok now that they've posted their caffeine content online : ) ), wine, I even had a massage a couple of days before I found out I was pregnant...I did EVERYTHING wrong!

And so in that moment of panic sitting in the car, I bonded with this child. For the first time I realized that I needed this one to be ok. I needed this one to be as strong and amazing as Larkin...but most importantly I realized that I NEEDED this one...

It never fails that Dr. Kirshon gets called to the hospital right before my appt. Even though my appt was at 8:30, he didn't walk in the room until 9:30. Boy was he surprised to see us, but he seemed absolutely giddy, which is saying something for him...LOL!

He gets right down to business. Of course, I start crying when I see this whole baby. I remember thinking that after Larkin's 12 week scan..."I made a whole baby"...well I made a another one. : )

Everything was just perfect...2 arms, 2 legs, great NT measurement (1.2mm), nasal bone present, great heartrate (163 bpm), and boy was this one feisty! Larkin just sat there kicking her leg and hiccuping. This one....would do total flips!! Boy am I in trouble! I hadn't even had any sugar or caffeine that morning!

And then Dr. Kirshon caught us completely off guard! He asked us if we wanted to know the sex! I knew that sex differentiation began right around 11-12weeks, but it's rare to get a good glimpse. Well I guess this one flipping all over caused a great view because Dr. Kirshon said he's 90% sure that we're having another girl!!! He did a couple of closer views, and I could even see the three lines, so I'm pretty darn sure we have another girl in here.

So on that note, from this point forward Tyrone shall be referred to as Lathonya. Funny back story there. Many of you know my real name, but it may amuse you to know that the 2nd choice name for me (picked by my grandmother) was in fact Lathonya....just imagine me with that name...can't do it can you?

I felt bad at first wondering if everyone was counting on me to have a boy. Patrick seemed to care less, he was just so relieved that she was healthy. Financially, it's terrific. All we need is another nursery and everything to go in it, but we have all the clothes, bouncy seat, swing, etc. And I never had a sister, so I'm glad that Larkin will be able to have that. I just hope they like each other...and that they don't hate me too much when they're teenagers.

I cried a little to Patrick and said I was sad because most girls hate their mother at some point in their lives but never seem to go through the same phase with their dad. He said that he thinks all kids go through general "parent hating" phases regardless. But I think it's the fact that my mom and grandma had and still have a horrible relationship. And Mom and I really only became close in the past 4 years...really once I started dealing with all of the infertility and losses. I want something different for my girls...so all I can do is vow to do a better job, right?

I'll try to post the scan pictures sometime this weekend! But for now, I'm feeling better, I'm feeling attached, I let the cat out of the bag at work (which is also helping me to bond, it's so much easier not to have to keep the secret), and I'm even starting to get poochy already!!! Well poochy compared to this time with Larkin at least. We took a picture on Wednesday, so I'll work on posting that, too!!!

Cerclage is still scheduled for Tuesday as long as Hurricane Gustav doesn't rearrange my schedule!

PSA Friday- Vaccinations...

2008-08-22T12:20:00.003-05:00

Well it's Friday, so I'm sorry to be so serious, but I thought it was a good time to get this out there.

First, let me say that I am not at all preachy about what I think about vaccinations. I obviously have an opinion (every parent does!), and given my profession, maybe people on the fence would actually care about my opinion, but I rarely offer it unless blatantly asked. I honestly have no idea if any of my friends/acquaintances have decided to forego their child's vaccinations because #1 I'm not nosy like that and #2 it's their choice. However, keeping this in mind, I do feel like it's my responsibility to at least voice where I stand on the issue.

Larkin is 100% compliant with the recommended vaccination schedule, and I plan to keep it that way (barring an illness that would push her a couple of weeks here or there). Now I know some parents like to break it up and not have to deal with their child getting 5 shots in 2 minutes, and I completely understand and respect that. If Larkin had shown any issues beyond the point where we left the exam room, then I certainly would have thought to do the same...but she apparently could care less...LOL!

I won't go into details, but many of you (most of you?) know what I do for a living. Suffice to say that I'm a scientist who happens to specialize in pediatric illness. This makes me privy to some information, but most of what I based my decision on is publicly available information. And again, those of you that know me well also know that I will research the HELL out of anything that I have a question on. So naturally, I did a ton of research on the vaccination/autism issue as the data was being released. Again, you can see where I stand on it.

So now finally, the word has started to get out (and by out, I mean on the nightly news) that maybe we're starting to see some repercussions from the decrease in immunized children. Measles is the latest culprit. I can also tell you that we're seeing A LOT of pertussis (whooping cough)...it's been on the rise for awhile, but something strange is happening now.

Now to sidetrack for a second, I highly recommend that everyone reading this consider getting a pertussis booster themselves. I'm guilty of not remembering to do it after Larkin was born, and now I have to wait until after Tyrone is born. I'm making Patrick and my parents do it. I highly recommend it because our little munchkins are not fully immune until after their 6 month shots, and we can easily have a mild persistent "cough" without ever realizing that we are actually bringing pertussis home. Just something to mention at your next family dr. visit...ok, that's all the preaching I'll do on that one.

Back to the topic at hand...
So here's my issue. Someone doesn't want to vaccinate their kids, and they believe it's their right to protect their children from some harmful effect of the vaccine. But then that child becomes a vessel for these diseases, again, that was their parent's decision, but if that child somehow comes in contact with my 4.5 month old who is on schedule with her vaccines but hasn't acquired full immunity yet...then could my child suffer (and let's be honest possibly die, these diseases are not something to play around with in an infant) based on someone else's decision?

That's what has me riled up today. None of us of childbearing age know what the world was like when these diseases ran rampant, but I'm sure we all have stories from our grandparent's generation. My grandmother lost 2 siblings before they were 5 due to disease...diseases that could be completely prevented due to the wonderful medical advancements called VACCINES!

So I'll just say one more time, I did my research, Larkin is vaccinated. You have to make your own decision, but I hope you take the time to critically analyze every single study out there and make a truly informed decision.

PSA over. ; )

A Day of Firsts: High Roller and Poop Oops!

2008-08-21T14:48:00.002-05:00

We managed to switch Larkin to the special formula yesterday without a problem. She did give that furrowed brow look when she first started drinking, but "Mikey" ate the whole thing anyway. She still pooped, but we knew it would take a day or two to work.

Anyway, I headed upstairs to get her in the bath not knowing what was ahead of me. I was running the water to get it to temp, and she was laying on her towel on the floor. She rolled onto her side (which she always does), then rolled back. Then I thought to myself "That little sneak is going to roll over when I'm not looking". So I looked back at her, saw her get on her side again, and then poof, there she went..as if it was so easy she could do it all along (which I'm pretty sure is the case). However, the minute she got on her stomach, she popped up on both hands, picked up that head, hiked up those legs and looked around like "Hmmm, I bet I could get somewhere if I tried"...boy are we in for it! LOL!

So a good 5 minutes after that first, we got another...first tub pooper. LOL! I heard it, I saw it, I picked her up and watched it drain out of the tub. When Patrick walked in, she was still suspended in mid-air. Thank goodness for that Clean Water tub (it drains the entire time so not only does the temperature stay constant, but dirty, in this case very dirty, water runs out).

She seems to be doing better today, so I'm thankful for that!!

The Hot Zone

2008-08-20T12:12:00.005-05:00

Ever have one of those weeks....we're having one.

Larkin is sick for the first time...and it's diarrhea...lovely. This started on Friday and after going through several outfits, we called the dr. They said keep her hydrated (supplement with Pedialyte) as long as there was no fever, no worries. Larkin had no clue anything was wrong with her, and she drank the Pedialyte without a problem (I was smart enough to get unflavored so I didn't have to worry about her tasting "sweet" for the first time).

Anyway, I was really looking forward to some rest since I'd had a stressful week and well, I'm pregnant and in the exhausting first trimester, so I was excited for Patrick to help out this weekend. Well of course, he was gone all Friday night for volleyball, and I was exhausted since she was pooping everywhere. Saturday started out a little better until....Patrick started to get sick. Son of a ....

Yep, he was sick and sicker all Saturday night, so this led me to quarantine him on Sunday until we realized it was Larkin that had gotten him sick to begin with. Either way, he was of no use to me Sunday and it was an exhausting weekend to say the least! Then Monday when we thought she was better, she had another blowout diaper at school...all the while I'm getting more and more nauseous. Son of a...

So then I have it, but Patrick has volleyball practice and in-service, so I've got to tough it out and take care of her for 4 hours until he gets home. Somehow I get through it (without puking even!) and Patrick gets her down for the night. Both Larkin and I stayed home yesterday, thankfully I was feeling better by mid-afternoon because of course it was volleyball night again so besides bringing me lunch, we didn't see Patrick all day! Although he did change the 11pm pooper and give her a little Pedialyte while I went to bed.

So this morning, she starts off with a bang, and I call the dr's office when I get to work. Of course there's nothing they can do, but they'd just like to see her to check her out. So he's there with her now...and I'm trying to be good supportive wife/mother (and not dash home and make him think that I don't trust him to handle this on his own) and have faith that he will remember to tell the dr. everything and remember everything the dr. tells him and somehow tell me all of this...all without a voice. Did I forget to tell you that? He lost his voice last night, too...

Ever have one of those weeks....

UPDATE from poop central: Of course ever since I called the dr. she hasn't pooped, but I'm sure that will change this afternoon. They're not concerned about her in the least considering she's in good spirits (she was smiling and talking to the dr.) and doesn't seem to be having weight issues (umm...she's up to 17lbs 2oz...LOL!). They suggested moving her to a soy formula specifically for diarrhea, but she mentioned it was hard to find. Aha! Not when you work in the Med Center : ) 5 bottles currently in my car. So we'll try that for a few days and call on Monday if it hasn't gotten better. I hate hearing "oh, it will just take time"...I like having a plan, so changing the formula makes me happy. : )

Fun Facts about Larkin

2008-08-15T12:43:00.002-05:00

So because I was a bad girl and didn't really blog for the last 4 months, you've missed out on my various adventures with Larkin and learning about her as we went along. Here are a few things to know about my favorite chubby monkey!

* She is a GOOD baby...I don't just mean that she's good for us, I mean I've seen other babies, and Larkin is AWESOME! She is truly one of the easiest babies I have ever seen.
* She's a good sleeper, like she was sleeping nice spurts at night by 8 weeks and completely through the night by 10 weeks (in the bassinet in our room). At 3 months, she slept 8pm-6am in her room in her crib every single night! These days she's down for the night by 7am and we're getting her up around 6:30am. We didn't use any book or gimmicks. She would show us she was sleepy, do it once, and then we would do whatever we could to encourage it every night. If she showed she was sleepy at 9, then we would make sure she was down by 9 every night. If she started getting grouchy at 8:30 and was sleeping later in the morning, then we shifted bedtime up an hour. She just followed along, and it was super easy to get her on this schedule!
* She's a bad eater turned good. My only "complaint" with her was that she used to get mad at her bottle (this was from aroung 6 weeks-10 weeks). She would scream in the middle of it, but it wasn't reflux, she wasn't in pain, she didn't want the faster flow nipple, we had no idea why! Thankfully, it was something she grew out of...whew!
* She's learned to scream and is very good at it. She especially likes to scream at her Daddy and then smile!
* She likes to abuse the caterpillar that hangs on the bar of her carseat. It's a chimey one, so I thought for awhile it was the bumps on the road that made it chime...until I caught her manhandling it herself. : )
* She loves the cats...poor Spencer gets a chunk of fur taken out everytime she walks by...but keeps coming back! Tough love...LOL!
* She's not afraid of big dogs...something about a 4 month old looking a Great Dane straight in the eye when they're less than 6 inches away just makes you think this little girl isn't going to be one to mess with in a few years on the playground...LOL!
* She's ACTIVE! Lord knows she was super active in the womb, but that never changed when she was born. I used to call her "fish out of water" when she first came home and would squirm while I change her diaper. At night, she always picks up her feet all the way to her head and slams them down on the mattress, making the monitor turn all the way to the red level...LOL! Sometimes she's moving so much you can hardly hold on to her!
* She loves to watch soccer...no really, it makes her happy. When Euro 2008 was on, everytime that goofy little Euro-disco song would play when they cut to commercial, she would giggle...LOL! Plus she really likes to watch the game...and she likes to watch golf and tennis...we're convinced that her favorite color is green!
* She loves to watch other kids. I think this is one of the reasons she enjoys herself so much at daycare. She's completely enamored with other children and immediately starts talking to them like they understand her...LOL!
* She LOVES the water. Bathtime has always been easy, never a cry, but now she's learned to splash, so I'm sure we'll have crying when she doesn't want to get out soon!!
* No one can make her laugh like her daddy. I can make her laugh, but when he gets her going...it makes me cry it's so wonderful.
* The word "chicken" is the single funniest word in the English language to her.
* She loves her room. You don't know how many times I've started crying because I hear her babbling in the morning and look at the monitor to see her staring up and having the conversation with her dragonflies. I worked so hard on that room that it just makes me so happy to see her enjoy it.

OK, I could go on and on forever, but I think that's enough for now!!

#2 AKA Tyrone

2008-08-14T10:35:00.002-05:00

So all was well at my ob appt yesterday, and I thought I'd update you on my latest feelings about Tyrone.

I magically woke up earlier this week and had an interesting conversation with myself. I said "Self, what in hell do you have to be upset about? You spent years praying and hoping for a child and fearing that you would never be a mother at all. You wouldn't even have dreamed of the perfect 2 kid family because you didn't even know if you could have ONE. You didn't even want to talk about TTC#2 because you didn't know if you could put yourself through that heartache of trying unsuccessfully, losses, tests, etc. again. What the hell is wrong with you that you aren't saying Thank You God every second for this happening easily and going absolutely perfectly so far?"

That seemed to shake off this craziness I've been in the past few weeks, and I'm finally feeling normal again!! So here are my top ten list of things that I'm thankful for in regards to #2 (that I can think of on a whim at least...LOL).

#1 I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight with Larkin and in all my old clothes (including my skinny jeans). Most people would be upset about being pregnant again because they would start out at a higher weight...I should NOT be complaining.
#2 All of my maternity clothes are still in style AND the right season. : )
#3 I look pretty darn cute pregnant, and beyond the "potential drama" that exists with all my conditions, I have EASY pregnancies (and deliveries...let's see if we can do that again, shall we!).
#4 If Tyrone is actually Tyra, then we have the BEST wardrobe ready to go for her. If Tyrone is Tyrone, then we'll have fun shopping for a boy (and grandpa already said no grandson of his is sitting in a pink bouncer so I have a feeling there would be lots of new things)!
#5 We didn't have to try...years of planning our lives around my ovulation schedule, pills, temperatures, charts, shots....and POOF, it just "happened" this time.
#6 Building on #5, this baby was FREE to conceive (as opposed to the thousands it took to get us to Larkin)...LOL!
#7 Larkin will be young enough not to be jealous and will appreciate a built in playmate at home! Not to mention she won't be alone when she's older. It hurts me to see Mom dealing with all of our family issues on her own because she was on only child.
#8 Patrick is an amazing dad and the most helpful husband. I couldn't ask for a better partner in this, and I know we can handle two...we'll just have to move from zone defense to man-to-man defense.
#9 The timing is perfect again, I'll stay home the first 3 months, and we'll stretch using Mom and Patrick's vacation time, so that Tyrone won't have to go to daycare until he's over 5 months old!
#10 This is the stuff you dream about...good jobs, good house, (mostly...LOL!) good pets, 2 kids, and an amazing future. I cried so many times thinking how quiet my house was with no children...now the idea of two crazy kids racing down MY stairs makes me cry for a completely different reason.

So I've definitely come full circle, I've come to completely embrace this new addition. I'm pregnant again...we're really (the way it looks so far!) going to have another baby...
Just one year ago, I was in agony everyday hoping that I would just stay pregnant this time...and that gave us Larkin. A year later, who would have ever thought...it's absolutely amazing.

Dr. Swaim and I did have an interesting conversation yesterday though. A new article in an ob/gyn journal suggests that maybe we don't need Lovenox for inherited thrombophilias (like Protein C and MTHFR). It was a meta-analysis so it looked at a combination of many studies and found that there was very little benefit. Interesting, but maybe not enough to take me off of it, but she was going to mention it to Dr. Kirshon (my high risk dr.). We started talking though and realized that we never tested me for the autoimmune disorders. We had discussed it with Dr. Mac but agreed that since the treatment plan for those is simply Lovenox, then there was no point since I'd be on it anyway. Interestingly, Dr. Swaim said those results are not skewed by pregnancy, so we went ahead and tested for them yesterday. We should know in the next couple of weeks, and I'm intrigued to see how they turn out!

So I see Dr. Kirshon in 2 weeks for our NT scan. If all is well there (and please let it be, I don't think I could deal with having to wait on CVS results), then my cerclage is already scheduled for the day after Labor Day. Once that goes in, then it should be smooth sailing!!!

Mid-August Update

2008-08-13T12:23:00.005-05:00

OK, so one more post and we're completely caught up!

The month of August brought us to Larkin's 4 month check-up....and she's still in the 75th percentile for both height and weight...LOL! Again, I like to think that because she's 75th for both, that she's proportional...but yes, she's got chubby cheeks, and two chins, LOL!

Larkin also started daycare this month which was a huge ordeal for me (not for her...LOL), but she has been doing terrific. She loves it there and the ladies are wonderful (my mom was terrific and came up for her first week and spent a lot of time with her there to ease her into it. My mom is SUPER picky and was very pleased with everything that she saw). Honestly, she's a little bored when she's home all day now because they keep her very busy and give her tons of attention at school. They've even nicknamed her "babydoll"...LOL!

Now that we're starting to get into a rhythm, things are going great.

Here are a few pictures so far in the month of August...

First, we went to the 2nd Annual Aggie BBQ, which is a reunion of a bunch of college friends. This was a big deal for us because last year we were the ONLY ones who weren't either pregnant or already had kids running around...who knew that one year later, not only would I have a baby, but I'd be pregnant, too! LOL! The party also brought us Larkin's first time in the pool...she loved it! I totally want a saltwater pool now, but Patrick says not until I learn to swim...details, details...

The family before we left...

You just wish you looked this good in a two-piece...One of those pictures that make me teary-eyed...
Swimming is SO tiring....
Do I look different now??? I lost all my hair, but it's oh so slowly coming back!!!

And one of my favorite things to do...the Exersaucer...which has more stuff than I have ever seen on any other Exersaucer...this is what happens when you send Daddy and Larkin to Babies R Us on their own...LOL!

July Update- Yes, I'm pregnant!

2008-08-13T12:00:00.006-05:00

So yes, I'm really pregnant (and still pregnant as of today, I even have an ob appt this afternoon). I was very shocked in the beginning and went through a whole range of emotions.

First...complete and utter shock....then I cried the entire next day...then I was mad the day after that...and then somewhere along the way denial just set in. What were the odds I'd actually end up with a viable pregnancy on my own, with no meds, after all I'd been through? Seriously, why get attached, I'd just be setting myself up for a fall.

I'm embarrassed to say I was upset that I was pregnant. I never could have imagined a single day in my life where I wouldn't be ridiculously thankful to be pregnant...but those were my true feelings. I had just gotten my body back, life was great and returning to normal, I was playing soccer and tennis, my old clothes (including my skinny jeans) had started to fit again...I didn't sign up for this! All of my reasons for initially being upset were completely SELFISH!

And sadly, I was raised to worry entirely too much about what people thought so I found myself embarrassed of my current situation. For heaven's sakes, I'm not a unmarried teenager or someone with 3 kids that they already can't afford....I'm 32, we've been married for 9 years, we wanted Larkin for 4 years, we always wanted 2 kids if possible anyway. What in the HELL do I have to be embarrassed about? Yes, it was an oops/accident, but when it happens to people like us, it's just funny and becomes one of those stories that everyone talks about..."My friend had 5 miscarriages and it took her 4 years to have a baby and then poof, she got pregnant right away with no problem". I've gone from "that girl" to a completely different "that girl"...LOL!

But then other reasons set in...what about Larkin? I wanted to devote all of my time and attention to her, why would I ever want another child? Will she feel cheated? Will I be a bad mother to the second because I'll resent them for taking time away from Larkin? I'm glad that I wasn't blogging at the time because I'm ashamed of the various whiny/selfish/unrealistic complaints I had about being pregnant...I've since worked through all of it, but it was definitely an opportunity for growth for me.

Dr. Swaim's entire office was very excited...LOL! This wasn't supposed to be able to happen on its own. I always had to use fertility drugs to get pregnant. And then to get a viable pregnancy...after just one time...doing EVERYTHING the wrong way...just unbelievable. She monitored me closely the first couple of weeks to make sure it wasn't ectopic. My betas were terrific, and we saw a small sac at 5 weeks. A week later, a heartbeat! Can you believe it?
Here are my betas before I forget where I put them.
14dpo hcg = 145 16dpo hcg = 282 18dpo hcg = 689 21dpo hcg = 3001

I started to feel sick (sicker than with Larkin) but have yet to throw up (and most likely won't). My complexion on the other hand has been terrific (it was terrible with Larkin!). Dr. Swaim said she'd see me in 4 weeks...and strangely I was okay with that. I know now that there's nothing I can do (besides take my meds and my Lovenox) to change how things go. So I was fine with seeing her at 10 weeks (my appt is today).

Anyway, I'll talk more about how I'm feeling about all of it now (which is really a recent thing...) in my August update next.

For now...more pictures of my chubby monkey!
Our first 4th of July...notice the stars on the Pjs.

I'm so bored....someone entertain me...Thanks Daddy, that's better...July also brought me heading back to work full-time. Larkin says "Daddy, are you sure you can handle me all by yourself?" LOL! But Daddy as always did an amazing job!

The shirt says it all...Mom and Larkin dressed up for yet another visit to Dr. Swaim...she thought she wouldn't see us for a year...LOL!

And to be fair...here's the first belly pic at 8 weeks with #2 who we are lovingly calling Tyrone (and for the record NO, we're not actually going to name the baby Tyrone and YES, the name will be a secret until delivery again...LOL!)

Month 3- OH What a Father's Day! Keep reading!

2008-08-13T11:24:00.006-05:00

So June brought us another month of a blossoming baby. Her first shots and 2 month appt were scheduled for my birthday, but she still found time to get me flowers. ; ) Remember that 5th percentile weight stat for her 2 WEEK appt...well her 2 MONTH appt found her at the 75th percentile for both height and weight...LOL! We were very pleased that she had not only caught up but was now a "big baby"...very comforting when you give birth to a smaller baby who goes on to have weight gain issues...not anymore...LOL!

The biggest happenings in June were her baptism and Father's Day.
Here are some pics from her baptism... which was also her first road trip since she was baptized in the church I grew up in (and the church we were married in). I'll have to get pics of her in her baptism dress, but those are on the other computer.
Ready for our road trip....

Driving is boring...Four generations of girls!!

Random pic of the first kitty snuggler (Noah) that was too cute to pass up. Larkin was there first and Noah decided that was a good place for a nap. I'm convinced his purring helped her sleep since he always cuddled and purred with my tummy when I was pregnant!
and here are some from Father's Day...
Father's Day was a great time for us. Actually, the morning of Father's Day I was feeling especially nice and I decided it was a great time for us to finally try to have sex for the first time since I gave birth to Larkin...oh what timing! Everything went okay, but that evening, much to my surprise....I got a few signs that I might be ovulating. Patrick and I had a huge laugh because we had done EVERYTHING wrong, so there was no way I could get pregnant from one time, breaking ALL of the sacred "don't do this" rules that we've all been taught while trying to conceive. We pretty much laughed it off and didn't think of it much for a couple of weeks...

...until 2 weeks passed and I didn't feel like my period was coming...well I did have cramping, but it was different cramping...anyway, why not just take a test Patrick says. So off we go to Wal-Mart to buy a new bin to pack away my maternity clothes, a few other things, oh and why not, a pregnancy test (Patrick even went to go get it, so he picks up the digital...what is it with men and the need to see the word "pregnant"...is the 2nd line just not believable to them?).

Suffice to say...we didn't need the bin!

I took the test upstairs mid afternoon while Larkin was downstairs with my parents. I remember going in after a couple of minutes and seeing the hourglass still blinking and telling Patrick "Oooooo, it's still thinking" and laughing....when I went back after 3 minutes, I was not laughing. The darn thing said "Pregnant"...Patrick came up behind me and all I could say was "No, no, that can't be right...no way!" Several minutes of googling told us that hcg stays in your system for a maximum of 8 weeks post-delivery.....Are you sure? No way you could have meant 13 weeks?????

I was pregnant...and very much in shock.
I told my mom the next day and strangely expected her to be mad (what am I? Fifteen?) She was excited (is she crazy?).
This bring us to the end of June....I'll continue with our craziness in July's recap!

Month 2- My First Mother's Day!!!

2008-08-13T11:07:00.004-05:00

May brought us a quickly growing baby!! It was so amazing to see her grow out of her preemie clothes, get control of her head, start taking her out places. The biggest things in May were my first Mother's Day and our visit back to the doctors that helped being Larkin into this world.

First Mother's Day....We had a great weekend, and Larkin really splurged and got me a new digital camera...which I am STILL learning how to use, but I think I finally have the setting I like...LOL! We also went for a walk at a nature park (and managed to spill formula all over the car...it's funny now, but not so funny when it happened...LOL!) and had lots of great food (including mimosas and pancakes for breakfast).
Out for our walk at Jones Park
Me and Larkin on my first real Mother's Day.May also brought me my post-partum visit to Dr. Swaim. I was so excited to walk into that building with my baby. I can't begin to count the number of times I've been to that office through the years...so many emotions: the anticipation of the start of a new cycle, the disappointment of a failed cycle, the shocking news of the latest test results, the grief over finding yet another loss...so many memories...to finally walk in there with my baby was just amazing. We took her to see Dr. Mac, but unfortunately, she was hungry and was not interested in pictures...LOL!
And then we took her to my appt with Dr. Swaim.
I was so glad to get pictures with both of them since they were the two most important people in helping bring her into this world. I am forever grateful that I was lucky enough to have them take care of us over the last 4 years.

Interesting side note: We did discuss birth control at my appt...but we're out of options due to my history. Because of my clotting disorder, hormonal forms of birth control (the pill, the shots, the patch, etc.) are a no-no for me. Because of my previous ectopic, the IUD is also out...so we were a bit stuck...but honestly, what were the chances of an "oops" for someone like me, right?.....right? Think about that for a few days...

Moving on, other pictures from May
Larkin hanging out with Tristan...
A SMILE! Boy those were hard to catch back then...between trying to figure out the camera and getting her to keep smiling...I've gotten better I think! LOL!
First pair of jeans to head to the dr. visit! Mom and Larkin dressed up for the dr. (and coordinating of course!)

On to Month 3!

Month 1- Gaining weight!

2008-08-13T10:28:00.006-05:00

So in April, our biggest issue was #1 getting our baby home! and then #2 trying to get her to gain weight! This proved to be a huge issue. I won't go through all the details, but I will say that breastfeeding just does NOT always work no matter how many lactation specialists/doctors/etc. that you talk to and how many crazy plans you follow. Thank you to all of my friends that told me that formula supplements were OKAY! Like I said in my previous post, I learned my lesson and will be happily supplementing from the beginning next time!

So poor Larkin had a horrible time gaining weight. By 2 weeks, she had almost gotten back up to her birth weight, but then didn't gain ANY weight the 3rd week (this is when I was trying to exclusively breastfeed and pumping like crazy, too). DID NOT WORK! Added formula to the mix and away we went. She was 5% for weight at 2 weeks (and 50% for height). You'll see how these numbers compare later...LOL!

Anyway, I know what you really want to see is pictures, so here you go!!
One of my favorite pictures of her and I. When she was little, she would wake up around 5:30am, eat, and then want to nap again, so I'd pull her into bed with us...some of my favorite times snuggling with her.
Larkin in her swing...I wish they made those in adult sizes!
First bath....she loved it!
First bath...look at that long skinny baby!
Larkin's first boyfriend Brody (yes make the jokes...Larkin is Larkin Clara...aka LC and this is her good buddy Brody...LOL!)...already abusing the boys!!
First bow...her look is priceless!
First manicure...awww, and look at all that hair! It all fell out!

On to Month 2!!!

Our (short) Stay in the NICU

2008-08-11T10:50:00.001-05:00

So our arrival home with Larkin was fairly short-lived.

The morning that I was to be released, they tested Larkin's bilirubin level again. It was 12. I was terrified that they were going to say she had to stay behind. The pediatrician say no big deal, take her home, but bring her back the next day (Friday) for another test. At worst, she would need some home phototherapy lights. Ok, I can handle that.

We happily drove home and spent our first night as a family. The next morning, Patrick even went to work. Mom and I drove down to the hospital for her test. We were supposed to wait there to get the results so that we could pick up the order for the lights if we needed it. An hour and half later, I got a call from the pediatrician...just thinking about the call makes my stomach turn. Her results had jumped up way more than they had expected. We were to head upstairs, she was bring admitted to the level 2 NICU and would be there for "a few days". I started crying that second and I don't remember when I stopped. I had to have Patrick paged at school, and he headed down to the hospital as fast as he could. Gosh, recounting all of this now just makes me want to get through this story quickly and get to the happy times of the months that followed....

Anyway, we got to the NICU, and all of the nurses were just wonderful. I was still crying and not wanting to let go of my three day old baby. But there it happened, I had to hand her over to a nurse while they were getting her isolette ready. The NICU at Woman's Hospital allows you to be with your baby the majority of the time, except during shift changes for an hour or so. That gives the nurses a chance to catch up on the patients without having nosy parents around listening to the other patients' info. I understand that, but the timing sucked. She was admitted just before a shift change, and they also don't like the parents to be present when they administer the IVs. My poor baby had to have an IV...and then add to it that they had a hard time getting it in.

Patrick got down there in record time, less than 30 minutes from when I first spoke to him. I just remember meeting him in the hall and crying. We got over to the NICU and called in (you call from the phone outside the main entry door), and they said they were still working on her IV...that killed me to think they were hurting my baby and I wasn't even there to comfort her. When we finally got to see her, she was in her isolette, under the lights, with the eye coverings, with the IV, with all of the monitors....it's a horrible thing for any mother to have to see. I'm crying right now just remembering it. This is what my poor baby looked like.

Now somewhere in the course of the day I calmed down. I know that there are babies in there with real problems. We just had jaundice, she just needed the IV fluids, formula supplementation and the lights. We had a completely fixable problem that would just be a bad memory a few days later. But that doesn't stop the pain you feel when you see the child you waited so long for separated from you...all you want to do it hold her, but I could only hold her when it was time to feed her.

Of course my milk came in the day she was admitted. I'm convinced that the stress I was under those days contributed to my supply issues, but that's another story. The nurses there were wonderful and encouraged us to interact with her as much as possible (but it was important she stay under the lights). We would take her temperature, Patrick would change her, we'd weigh the diaper so that they could measure input/output, and then we'd feed her. I nursed her, but we'd also offer her a bottle afterwards. She was such a lazy eater that it was frustrating. We needed her back under the lights as quickly as possible.

The first day was a bit of a blur between trying to get adjusted, renting a breastpump, figuring out the schedule. I was determined to say by her side non-stop as long as she was there. But the nurses and the pediatrician talked to me (and Patrick and my mom) and convinced me that I needed to get home and get some sleep or I was really going to have trouble nursing/recovering from childbirth. So I finally agreed to leave after the last evening feeding and get back before the first early morning feeding. So I only missed 2 feedings a day. We'd leave there around 10:30 pm at night, and we would be back around 5:30 in the morning.

Day 2 was Saturday and Patrick and I got there early to feed her. They had done another bilirubin level at midnight and it was down a bit (to 18.9 I think). This was good, but nowhere near where it needed to be to bring her home. Another level that morning only had it drop to 18.0, so I was devastated. Again, not an issue with her health, but an issue in how long we were going to have to stay. We had an amazing nurse that day, Stephanie. She helped us to get stronger lights, try a few different things (including feeding her in the isolette under the lights), and just coach us with what she would do. We tried everything we could, and that evening we got another amazing nurse, Mary, that Larkin would eat really well for.

During our stay there, all of the nurses kept laughing at Larkin. Usually they have very small, calm babies...not my Larkin. While she was small to us (she dropped to 5lbs 7oz when she was admitted to the NICU), she was big for a NICU baby...LOL! And jaundiced babies are supposed to be lethargic...but someone forgot to tell Larkin that. All the nurses joked that she was trying to escape the isolette. She constantly ended up out of position, and when they put in a little snuggly to keep her contained, she decided to prop up her feet and use it as a footrest...LOL! She was also notorious for tearing off all of her leads and they had to replace them several times a day...LOL!

Saturday was a long day, and as usual I cried the whole drive home. There's just something about having to leave your baby behind...when all you wanted was to be woken up 5 times a night by this bundle beside your bed...our bedroom just seemed so quiet. I was also in quite a bit of pain. Because I was so focused on her, I had not been doing all of things I was supposed to to care for my stitches, and I kept forgetting to take my pain medication. I felt completely miserable physically those days, but I know it would not have been the case had we all been home together.

Anyway, Sunday morning we headed back to the NICU early in the morning. I was expecting to have her bilirubin test drawn at 6am, but low and behold they had done it at midnight...and it was 12.8!!! Now the pediatrician had said the magic number was 12, so I didn't think she'd get to go home, but we were definitely going in the right direction so I felt like we'd get her home on Monday. I remember going out to Starbucks during the morning shift change and just feeling so wonderful. What a relief. Well the shift change brought us Charlotte, yet another amazing nurse. She was confident that we could work to get Larkin home THAT DAY! They talked to the dr. and decided to run another bilirubin and stop therapy. They came and drew the test and then my baby got to come out of the isolette, got her IV removed, had her "sunglasses" removed...I just held her the entire time while we waited for the results and waited for the pediatrician on call.

Her results came back at 9!!!!! And soon the pediatrician came by and said we were ready to be discharged, just to follow up with our pediatrician at home in a few days. Bringing her home that day was her true homecoming. I was so unbelievably grateful to have her home.

I know we've had friends that have spent significantly longer in the NICU (months in some cases), and to you I just say that you are a stronger woman than I am. Our three days was an experience that I would love to forget, but we survived. Those of you that have spent longer, you have my utmost respect!

Now let me say one last thing...I plan to do everything in my power for this NOT to happen again. Jaundice is very common in early babies (she was born at 37w6d). She was a lazy eater, but that could have been the lethargy from the jaundice which of course causes a vicious cycle since we need babies to eat in order to poop and flush the excess bilirubin out of their system. At the hospital, there are 2 schools of thought. The breastfeeders want you to refrain from any kind of supplementing so that the baby can establish your supply. The actual nurses kept pushing for us to supplement with formula (which was frustrating to me since I was determined to nurse). Looking back now, 4.5 months wiser....I would do things completely different. I would (and plan to) supplement with formula starting with feeding #2. I WILL NOT spend days in the NICU again simply because I'm too stuborrn to give my child formula. I had significant supply issues which could be due to hormonal issues (infertility is a risk factor for supply issues), the fact that she was a lazy eater, or the stress I was under during that time. Regardless, I've learned my lesson and will absolutely supplement the next baby and do my best to avoid this happening again!!!

OK, next post...a quick recap of Month 1...

Trying to catch up!

2008-08-11T09:53:00.002-05:00

OK, so I've been back at work full-time for a couple of weeks now, so of course, now is a great time to start catching up on this blog. I plan to post our NICU experience today, and then update with Month 1, Month 2, Month 3, and get us all the way updated to current time. I'll entice you by saying that if you haven't talked to me in awhile....well you're going to have quite the surprise in store for you in a few days...LOL! Just wait...it's a good one!

Delivery Day- 4 Years, 4 Pushes

2008-05-13T13:46:00.003-05:00

So I woke up well rested about 6:30am the next morning and asked Patrick what he had for dinner…LOL! Seriously, I STILL couldn’t tell you what he had. It’s our running joke now whenever I ask him something that I already asked!

Anyway, shift change brought a new nurse, Judy, who proved to be absolutely amazing. She expected Dr. Swaim to show up around 8am, so she gave me permission to take a quick shower. So I did, and then hopped back in bed just in time for Dr. Swaim to get there. As soon as she walked in, she said okay, let’s break your water. Somehow this idea startled me. I didn’t expect to get started that quickly, and the thought that there was “no going back” after she broke the water seemed absolutely overwhelming. She of course just laughed at me. So she took out the Cervadil, and poked around and broke my water. It didn’t take long at all, but what a strange feeling. It was just weird. She said I was 1cm dilated and my cervix was soft (so the Cervadil had done something since I was dilated at all the night before). The fluid was clear (I felt it trickling…again, what a strange feeling), so that was good news. Then she said that we’d start the Pitocin, and she’d be back around lunch time to check on me. Then Judy brought in the Pitocin and away we went at roughly 8am.
Within minutes after breaking my water, my contractions picked up big time. I definitely felt them and they were getting closer, every 3-4 minutes. Soon after starting the Pitocin, I started getting grouchy…LOL! Mostly, I just didn’t want to be touched during the contractions. I talked with Judy about pain options. She said since I planned on the epidural (which again she highly recommended due to the Pitocin, and Dr. Swaim practically required it for me…LOL!), that she would recommend trying to tough it out without the narcotics until it was time for the epidural. I agreed since I really didn’t want anything to make me sleepy and more importantly, I didn’t want anything that would get to the baby.

So we actually moved me to the rocking chair, Patrick handed me my Ipod, and I just zoned out and breathed my way through the contractions. It wasn’t comfortable, but they were certainly bearable. I just didn’t want to talk during, but I was laughing and chatting in between. The rocking chair really felt great, so I highly recommend that. Judy kept upping the Pitocin (I stopped looking, but Patrick kept making joked everytime she upped it…LOL!), and my contractions kept getting closer and stronger. At about 10:30am, Judy decided to check me since my contractions were about 2 minutes apart. I was a stretchy 3cm and almost completely effaced. So she called Dr. Swaim, and she said go ahead with the epidural.

Now that’s what I call service. Within 5 minutes of calling for the epidural, they were in there. Five minutes later they were done. Five minutes later, I was super relaxed. It’s so weird, it feels as if it’s soothing/tranquilizing you, but in fact, it’s just your body’s response to the relief of pain. They had me on my side, and I was completely relaxed. I didn’t nap, but I had some great rest.

A little while later, there was a little concern because we were starting to see decelerations of her heart rate with each contraction. They tried a few different positions, but it seemed to be getting worse. Of course, I panicked. Judy called Dr. Swaim, and they sent over the doctor on call, Dr. Wynn, to come and look at my strip. They put me on the oxygen mask, and after Dr. Wynn looked at the strip and talked with Dr. Swaim, they decided to do an amnio infusion (infuse fluid into the uterus to help move her off the cord if that’s the problem). Of course, everyone tried to calm me down, say this happens all the time, but that if it didn’t resolve soon, then we might be looking at a C-section.

The amnio infusion helped a little with the decels, but they came and went. Dr. Swaim got there around noon, calmed me down, and checked me. I was a stretchy 5, and she was moving down fairly fast, so they attributed the decels to that. A quick emptying of the bladder by catheter (it was really full) and another change in position got them back under control. Dr. Swaim stopped by again later and all was well. She said she’d get an update when they checked me again at 2pm.

After that, we went ahead and sent Patrick to eat lunch while my parents sat with me. We just talked and laughed, and then I started feeling the contractions again. Not pain, but I felt a pushing sensation up and the top of my belly, like something was pushing down and it was in time with each contractions. Incidentally, they kept saying what a beautiful contraction pattern I had. Considering that we were inducing early (37w6d) and that we were worried my cervix would be scarred shut after the cerclage, it was amazing how well my body responded. Shortly before 2pm, we kicked out my parents since Patrick was back from lunch. Judy checked me and said “Oh wow, you’re ready.” I said “I’m what”. She said “You’re complete, you’re ready to start pushing.”

Those words sent me into yet another panic, and I was laughing nervously. She went to call Dr. Swaim to say we were going to start pushing. Patrick went to tell our parents to sit tight in the waiting room, that we should have a baby in a couple of hours. I asked Judy how long she thought the pushing phase would take. She said first time moms usually take a couple of hours, but that I looked athletic, so you never know. Patrick got back, and Judy said we’d try a few practice pushes so that I could get an idea of what to do. I think she said we’d try 4 pushes or so. So we got me in position, I asked her if I should truly push as hard as I can, she said yes, and away we went. We’d push for 10 counts, breathe and then try again.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7- STOP!! I asked what was wrong. She said nothing, but that I was an excellent pusher and the head was already there!
WHAT!?!

Panic sets in…LOL! I thought I had a couple of hours. Patrick looks like an anxious little kid at this point…and worse, he’s staring at the thing poking out of my crotch…LOL! Immediately, Judy gets on the phone calling all kinds of people telling them to come NOW. At this point, they look down there again and say that she has hair….hair…I was bald, Patrick didn’t have much at all, so we were completely convinced we’d have a little bald baby. I started crying, and I just remember looking at Patrick not thinking that this was really happening.

People started running in the room, smiling, and laughing about the fact that it took one push to get ready. Dr. Swaim came running in praising me for being such a good pusher. They turned off my epidural and away we went.

One push….take another deep breath, push again…STOP! Her head was out. Patrick, who I had made promise he wouldn’t look “down there” was looking down there the whole time…LOL! The look on his face once the head was out was amazing…he didn’t see blood and yuckiness…he saw our daughter. One more push, a weight lifted off my belly…a weight lifted off my heart. 4 pushes, and Larkin Clara came into this world at 2:21pm. She started crying immediately, and they put her right on my chest. I just remember staring at that beautiful little baby through my tears. There she was, everything that I had worked so hard for, prayed for, fought for. She was doing so well that they were able to clean her up on chest. She stayed there for quite a while. Her Apgars were 9 and 9, so she was just perfect. She cried, then sneezed, but mostly she just looked at us.

They took her over to finish cleaning her, weigh her, measure her, etc. while Dr. Swaim finished me up. I had a 2nd degree tear from her flying out so fast, but it wasn’t bad. I only lost about 300ccs of blood which was also good since we were concerned about any lingering effects from the blood thinners or my uterus not contracting from all of the traumas of the previous surgeries. Everything went perfectly.

They measured her at 19.5 inches and 6 lbs 2 oz. Dr. Swaim said congratulations and headed back to her office (she left her patients to come deliver Larkin…they don’t do that, they have a partner on call, but if they have a special patient, they make exceptions….sorry to all the people who ran late that day because Dr. Swaim was with me…LOL!).

Once they were done measuring her and footprinting her (they even put fingerprints on Patrick’s shirt…a pink T-shirt I had made that said “First Timer”…LOL), they handed her to Patrick for the first time. As he turned to walk her over to me, he broke down in tears. That’s one of those moments that I won’t forget as long as I live. Later we let all the grandparents come peek in, then I tried to nurse her, and off she went to the nursery. Patrick went with her to video her first bath, etc. Meanwhile, I got to order my first meal! I ordered a cheeseburger, fries, apple pie, and a Sprite…it was good…LOL!

Patrick got back just as they were ready to transfer me to my private room. He went and ran a few errands (paid for the room, grabbed things from the car, checked on Larkin again in the nursery) while I took a nap. The pediatrician came in and said she’d checked her out and that she was perfect. I was so excited when they brought her back to me.

We had lots of visitors and then sent everyone home so we could rest. I was definitely starting to feel everything. Later that night we sent her to the nursery so we could rest a little. Then we had drama. Apparently her temperature was low, so they had to check her blood sugar. Her blood sugar was low, so they had to give her a bottle and put her under the warmer. They had to keep her until she could regulate her temperature on her own for an hour. I hated this because they wouldn’t let me up there to take came of her )the general nursery). I lost it and was crying uncontrollably. Luckily our night nurse was great and told me this was really common and not to worry. A couple of hours later, Larkin was back in my arms thankfully.

The rest of our hospital stay was pretty boring, and we were released 48 hours later with instructions to come back the next day for a bilirubin follow-up (that would be our NICU drama to come next).

Driving home with our baby was an amazing feeling…our dream had come true….finally…

And now some pictures...
Mid-contraction

Her first picture

The family

Backtracking- My last pregnant day

2008-05-12T19:57:00.004-05:00

So let me take you back to Monday, March 31st. I spent the day trying to relax, went to get a pedicure/manicure, paid a visit to Starbucks, took the longest shower ever, and then waited for my parents to arrive. I was supposed to call Labor & Delivery at 5pm to see what time to come in. I of course was an “A” induction, so I got first priority since it was “medically necessary”.

My parents arrived about 4pm. I called the hospital at 5pm only to be extremely frustrated to hear that they were swamped, and I should call back at 7pm. Didn’t they know I was an A induction? ; ) My parents and Patrick were tickled at my frustration of course. So we watched a movie and I finished my labor playlists for my Ipod. I called back at 7pm, and they said they still weren’t ready (I was starting to get upset). This time they said that they would call me when it was time.

I became completely convinced that they were never going to call. I resigned myself to the fact that I’d have to wait another day, and we sat around watching Dancing with the Stars (I never watch that show, but it was entertaining and distracting). Patrick on the other hand had gone from being calm to being extremely anxious…sort of turbo nesting. He was all over the place, putting batteries in everything imaginable. When he came downstairs with the swing (still in the box), we couldn’t help but laugh. As he was putting the finishing touches on the swing, the phone rang. It was time! They asked if I could be there by 9:30 (it was shortly after 8:30), and I said we’d leave right away.

I did my best to scoot everyone out of the house, while annoying them all, only to discover that neither of the cars had gas…LOL! I swear we could not get to the hospital fast enough. I was convinced that they were going to give away my room…LOL! Patrick just laughed and tried to keep me calm.

They got me settled pretty quickly because they wanted to start the ripening right away. We did the paperwork including putting my fingerprints on the birth certificate (I cried of course), started my IV, and then put in the Cervadil (boy, that wasn’t pleasant). I was settled in by 10:30. Then they came to “give me something to help me sleep” (under Dr. Swaim’s orders). They said it was Ambien. I’d had it before, so I thought that would be nice to help me relax. However, they gave me TWO Ambien. Within minutes, I started feeling something. Patrick had gone downstairs to get some dinner (no one wanted to eat in front of me since I’d only had clear liquids since noon and couldn’t eat again until after I delivered), so I was with my parents. I got TOTALLY loopy with the Ambien…apparently it was hilarious. Mom even tried to get Larkin’s name out of me, but Dad stopper her…LOL! I was highly entertaining, and the pictures of me at this time are hilarious (I’ll see if I find one to post). I was completely drunk, and when Patrick got back, my parents headed home to watch the dogs. Patrick took a little video of me in my drunken state…boy was I funny. I apparently asked him no less than 5 times what he had for dinner. I was also completely mesmerized by the monitors, so everytime the screen saver came on, I made Patrick get up and fix it (I had been having contractions randomly throughout the evening so it was fun to watch). Finally, Patrick refused to get up again because I needed to sleep : ( LOL! So off I dozed, I don’t even remember waking up during the night when they checked my blood pressure and stuff. I’ll continue tomorrow with delivery day!!!

Here are some pictures!!
This is the shirt I made for the hospital. Final pregnancy stat: 33 lbs gained

This is us right before we walked out the door to head to the hospital.

And the fingerprinting at the hospital.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-09T14:50:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!!!

I know, I know, I really need to get back to work on updating this blog. I’m happy to say that we’re slowly getting into our own groove, and we even made it out to our first lunch with friends today! My goal next week will be to post everyday complete with pictures to catch you up!!! Hold me to that!!!

For now, just a quick note on Mother’s Day. What an amazing day it will be this year. Mother’s Day was always a fun day before we started this journey. Ever since we were newlyweds, I’d usually get a Mother’s Day card from the cats along with a Starbucks giftcard…occasionally the dogs would chip in too ; ) The first Mother’s Day after we started trying to have a baby, all of that still happened, along with a card that talked about how soon I’d have a real Mother’s Day. After that year, Mother’s Day was not so happy anymore. We found it best to just ignore the holiday completely. Poor Patrick never knew exactly what to do or say on that day. As the timing worked out over the past 4 years, I was never pregnant on Mother’s Day (and even managed to miss it with this pregnancy). Most of the time, I was still very raw from the latest miscarriage…most of the time, I spent the day crying (and usually the preceding weeks were no fun either with all the Mother’s Day commercials). I guess not all that much has changed because I’m still crying at all the Mother’s Day commercials…just for a different reason.

I think it’s finally hit me that I’m a mother. I had Larkin in her sling while I put away laundry in her room this week. I was playing one of the CDs my mom had bought her, she was sleeping soundly cuddled against me, and I was packing away her preemie clothes she had grown out of already…and it really hit me. I started crying uncontrollably, but they were all tears of joy.

We made it. I still remember every detail of every bad day, every bad result, every painful moment…but it was all absolutely worth it. Every dirty diaper, every hungry tantrum, every sleepy morning…and every smile, every laugh, every gurgle, grunt, sneeze, hiccup…I’d do it all again in a second…and maybe someday I will.

So Happy Mother’s Day everyone. To those with children to hold…and to those with the hope that someday it will finally be their turn.

Larkin Clara is here!!!

2008-04-13T13:54:00.003-05:00

OK, I know I'm in big trouble for not posting sooner. I just wanted to quickly update and say that Larkin Clara arrived at 2:21pm on April 1st weighing in at 6lbs 2oz and 19.5 inches long. She was terrific, labor was super easy, but we did end up with a NICU stay for jaundice that turned our world upside down. I promise to update in the next couple of days with the complete story, pictures, etc, but for now, just know that everything is absolutely perfect and we are enjoying every second of it!!!

The Final Countdown

2008-03-28T07:29:00.002-05:00

You're singing the song now aren't you...

OK, this is it, we're in the last days. I am set to check in to the hospital on Monday night. I'm supposed to call L&D at 5pm, and they'll tell me when to come in. I'm classified as an "A induction", so I'm first in line. There are also "B" and "C" inductions, and those are for things like large babies, past due, convenience inductions, etc. Finally, all of my problems come with a perk..."A" inductions are viewed as medical emergencies, so they pretty much never tell you to wait another day, but they may say come in at 7pm or 8pm or something. I think I'd rather come in at 7pm because I don't want to deal with the nursing shift change, but we'll see. I can have a light lunch at 11am on Monday, then after that just clear liquids. I'm going to be freaking starving!

Anyway, so Monday night, they'll do the cervical ripening, meaning they'll place Cervadil and see if it gets my cervix going overnight. Tuesday morning, they'll start the pitocin and away we go! If for some reason the pitocin doesn't work on Tuesday, then they'll consider stopping the induction, giving me some heparin (I take my last dose Monday morning), letting me eat, and then trying again Wednesday. We should have a baby by Wednesday at the latest though....can you believe it?

My appt with Dr. Swaim went great yesterday. This little one is still head down like a good girl! My cervix is soft now, but not open at all (which is why we're doing the ripening). Dr. Swaim's practice shares call across like 7-8 doctors so you never know who you'll get for a delivery. But she said she really didn't want to miss this one so while we've scheduled the induction next week with the greatest likelihood that she'll be there, she also said to have the dr. on call page her if I go into labor on my own this weekend : ) We were all so giddy yesterday, it was just hilarious.

When the nurses were calling in my induction to the hospital, I had a moment that I think I'll always remember. She was giving them all my info, and I heard the particular statistic that I've heard so much (and that I've heard change over the years)...."She's a gravida 5, para 0"....that means, she's been pregnant 5 times (the twins count as one pregnancy) but has no living children. People look at you differently when they see/hear that stat...even nurses who have probably seen it all. The nurse on the other end of the line must have said something about it because my nurse said "Oh I know, we're all very excited." After next week, that statistic will change forever. All of the pain associated with those few words will all of a sudden have been worth it.

Patrick continues to be completely ready and totally in control. I, on the other hand, am starting to freak out. I was freaking out as soon as we set the date in the office. I just cannot believe that it's here. THREE days and we'll start this process. Mind you, I have all the normal fears: not knowing what to expect, will she be okay, will I be okay, etc. But mostly, I'm just overwhelmed with emotion that we made it. All of us made it...and we're so ready to start our new life as a family.

I don't think I'll get a chance to update again until she's here...three days until we head to the hospital...~ 80 hours...not that I'm counting.

My Dream Nursery

2008-03-27T10:02:00.008-05:00

I have to say that these pictures really don't do it justice. I absolutely love the way it turned out. The walls are the brightest yellow with the hot pink accent. The dragonflies over the crib actually hang from the ceiling and fly over the crib (they actually do look like they're hovering when the air comes on). You look at this room, and you think we just bought everything in a set, but not at all. We got the bedding set, but the rugs were found randomly at Lowe's, the wall decorations were found totally by accident at Hobby Lobby, the light from Ikea, the nightlight from Pottery Barn, the curtain from Target. What you see is the result of months of just flat out getting lucky and finding all of the perfect pieces to create this room that I've longed for.

So here are way more pictures than you're interested in seeing ; ) Dr. appt this afternoon, so I'll update with the final countdown tomorrow! Oh, and I'm full term now ; ) Who ever thought we'd be saying that!

Quick look in the room
Bookcase
Changing table, can you believe the diaper bag is actually packed? ; )

Here's the lightplate that I painted at the pottery place.

The top light in the room(from Ikea, boy Patrick had hell installing that thing, love you honey!) One wall
Another wall
Another wall
The window (sun was coming through so it was hard to get a good pic)
Mobile over the changing table
Nightlight
Rug close-up
Shelf
Hanging flowers in the corner over the glider
Crib and toy basket
Glider, Boppy pillow is ready to go!!
Dragonflies hanging over the crib
Hanging dragonflies, pic taken sitting in glider
Close-up of what the dragonflies look like. Their bodies are actually beaded and their wings have glitter : )

Major Update and ....Crossing the Snoogle...

2008-03-25T13:58:00.002-05:00

So first, I just have to give you the latest update. She TURNED!!! I went to see Dr. Kirshon yesterday morning, and low and behold, she's head down!! So we cancelled my version for today...YAY!! Everyone was really surprised.

So details...first, it was really odd because I woke up to pee more than usual Sunday night and just felt a lot of pressure. I'm thinking she turned sometime during the night. Then while I was sitting in the waiting room, she was all over the place, people across the room could see her moving...something had definitely changed because you could see EVERY move she made on the outside. First thing Dr. Kirshon checked was her position, and she was definitely head down! While she's doing great, things are definitely starting to happen (things we expected) and Dr. Kirson said it's time to have a baby! She's weighing in right at 6 lbs right now, but her movement is terrific obviously. Cord flow and placental flow looks great, too. Her amniotic fluid level is dropping though, it's down to 9.5. All signs that she's ready to come out, so Dr. Kirshon recommended she be delivered in the next 7-10 days...which is right on track with when we were hoping to induce.

I had to call Dr. Swaim's office since we had planned on the version, and I didn't even have an appt scheduled for the week. Dr. Swaim was way excited that she turned, her and Dr. Kirshon talked, and Dr. Swaim called me back herself. I'll see her on Thursday, and we will officially set an induction date for next week. She wants to give my cervix as much time as possible to ripen. Oh, and last week my cervix was 3.8cm the day before she removed the cerclage. Yesteday, it was 1.9cm!!! So at least it's going the right direction!

I'm just supposed to sit tight, monitor movement (again, someone across the room from me could monitor movement...she hasn't stopped moving since yesterday morning!), see her on Thursday, and be ready for next week!

Oh, and so there was a little privilege that came with the removal of the cerclage. ; ) I call it "crossing the snoogle"...you know that large pillow that separates you from your husband while you're pregnant...it may not be graceful, there may be a lot more laughing that usual, but hey, it had been since July, so I don't think anyone is complaining. ; ) Plus, now we're in the "we're doing it to help the cervix" mode, so we feel like we have a purpose. Funnily enough, everyone kept commenting on what a great mood Patrick was in on Sunday. : )

Ok, so one last belly picture update. Here are the newest pics followed by the complete progression. The only picture left to add to this bunch are the pics from induction day!!!!
Hopefully, I'll get motivated and take some updated nursery pics tomorrow. Mom still has my hamper and trash can, so they won't be the final pics, but close enough. ; )
36 weeks

Complete progression

The Stitch is Out!

2008-03-18T13:17:00.002-05:00

Well the cerclage is out. It was fairly uneventful. Patrick tried to scare me about it, but I wasn't scared...much.

Anyway, turns out we were there early, so Patrick went up to Dr. Mac's office while I was in the bathroom. Terri apparently got a little worried when she saw him, but they were excited to know I was around. I just wanted him to make sure there weren't tons of patients in the waiting room, and they said nope, just one in with Dr. Mac and everyone was in today. So Patrick came and got me one floor down and I went to visit for a little while. Everyone was really excited to see us, told me how good I looked pregnant, Patrick made his usual fat jokes. It was really cool to see everyone. Dr. Mac was just so excited, and he asked us if we really thought it would ever happen. Patrick told him how he constantly thinks about what if we'd given up. Dr. Mac knew how down we were many times, but he was so complimentary of us for persevering. Of course, they all start talking about the cerclage removal, and everyone says it hurts. Terri reminded them all of how tough I am though : ) Anyway, it was great to see them, and we promised to come back by with the baby once she's here.

Then on to Dr. Swaim's. The cerclage removal really wasn't all that bad. Dr. Swaim of course asked Patrick if he wanted to see...nothing like your husband staring down your vagina while you're trying not to panic about the impending pain. The speculum was actually the most uncomfortable part because I guess she had to use a longer one than normal, and well...that whole general area has been "out of order" for many months now. She had to get in far enough and wide enough to see the stitch...and then of course, it took a bit to get a hold of the knot on the stitch. Patrick actually had to hold the light for her so she could see...it was hilarious. Anyway, it finally came out, and it really wasn't that pad. It felt a little awkward and weird, but not a lot of pain. Apparently there was a nice amount of blood though and Patrick seemed concerned by this...he's so cute about those things. Anyway, it's out! I've been having a couple of little cramps/contractions since, but nothing major.

So the plan now (if nothing happens sooner...the nurses were joking about me having the baby tonight!) is to see De. Kirshon on Monday for another ultrasound. If she's still breech (Dr. Swaim said she's more transverse which will make turning her easier), then we'll be doing the version a week from today...lots going on!!!

So we'll see. We're definitely in the final countdown here, and I'm increasingly nervous. This is really happening...I swear I haven't accepted that fact yet..and I might not until they actually hand her to me. Patrick of course is completely ready, and he said he thinks one of the reasons is that he's always worried about her. He worries about every ultrasound, every test. We joked that we'd feel much better when we could just look at her and say "You ok?" I think we're just ready for the end of this journey...and the start of a new one.

Updates and pictures

2008-03-17T20:43:00.004-05:00

The ultrasound today went great at the hospital. It was so weird being there...3 years ago today we were there in radiology seeing a heartbeat for the first time...that was twin #2 and we all know how that turned out. Well today we saw our little girl just hanging out, happy as a clam. She has great fluid, was practicing her breathing (her little mouth was even opening, it was so cute), and they said she looked terrific. They didn't measure her today (apparently the hospital follows the rules very closely and Dr. Swaim didn't specifically say to measure her), but they measured my cervix one last time, and it was hanging in there at 3.8cm. Tomorrow, we'll see the stitch that kept us hanging in there for so long! We see Dr. Swaim tomorrow morning, so we'll know about what we're looking at the next couple of weeks.

Oh, and she's still breech, kind of. They said she's actually between breech and transverse...so maybe she's thinking about turning? We'll see.

Here are the pictures from 32 weeks and 34 weeks. We're already due for the last belly shot before delivery day this week believe it or not!!! Almost there!!
32 weeks

34 weeks

35 weeks and counting

2008-03-13T14:30:00.001-05:00

I know, I know, I still need to post the pictures from 32 and 34 weeks. I'll do my best to work on that tomorrow night, things have just been really busy lately. Not to mention, I've been sick with a miserable cold. I could blame everyone in the lab who had it, I could blame friends who had it, but the most likely Typhoid Mary is the man who sleeps next to me every night. He started to get sick last Thursday, and everyone knows that when Patrick get sick, I get it and I get it worse...ugh! I'm feeling better, but I have that stupid lingering cough, and I literally feel like I'm going to cough out this baby...good thing the cerclage is still in ; )

Anyway, I went to see Dr. Kirshon again earlier this week. She apparently hit a little growth spurt and is now measuring 5lbs 8oz. Her fluid levels are also great at about 17mL. He said she has plenty of fluid to turn if she'd like to...that's right, she's STILL breech!

Anyway, we're just in a holding pattern now. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound/biophysical profile for Monday at the hospital because Dr. Kirshon is out of town. Then we'll see Dr. Swaim on Tuesday to remove the cerclage and talk about options if she's still breech. I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of trying the version, but I don't think Patrick's had time to do his research yet, so hopefully he'll look into it this weekend.

That's it from here. Thankfully we are just 5 days away from the end of the high school soccer season, so I'll get my husband back just in time to calm me down for the last 2 weeks of this pregnancy! She'll be here in less than 20 days....holy crap...when am I supposed to hit that point where I actually comprehend the fact that I'm bringing home someone to wear all of these cute clothes I've been washing? Because I've truly yet to grasp that concept...I think I'm still expecting to wake up...

The Home Stretch!

2008-03-07T15:38:00.000-06:00

Well I know I owe you two batches of pictures, but hopefully the maternity portraits and 4D ultrasound will do for now ; ) I still look the same...just pooching further out by the day!

Everything is still going great. I'm pretty sure we've decided on a name (or at least Patrick is sure), but nope, not telling ; ) We saw Dr. Kirshon (our high risk ob) this week, and he was still pleased with all of the progress. She was weighing in at 4lbs 10oz, so she looks to be on target to be an average baby (for 2 weeks early). We'll be seeing him weekly now. I also saw Dr. Swaim yesterday, and she did my Group B Strep test and said that my cervix still looked great, too.

The biggest issue...this stubborn child is STILL BREECH! Obviously, we'll be keeping an eye on her to see if she turns (and I've started propping my hips up on pillows nightly to encourage her to turn...nada so far), but if not, we've got a decision to make. Here's our timeline for the coming weeks.

* Week 34 (this week)- well I just told you what we did this week : )
* Week 35 (next week)- we see Dr. Kirshon for another u/s to check her growth and see if she flipped.
* Week 36- I see Dr. Kirshon and Dr. Swaim. Dr. Swaim will cut my cerclage, I switch to twice daily heparin (a 12 hr dosage instead of my 24 hr Lovenox), and we'll decide about trying to turn her if she's still breech.
* Week 37- If she's still breech, we have enough fluid, and she's growing well, then we'll try to turn her using external cephalic version...yes, the name (and description from Dr. Swaim) scared me, too. I'm all for trying it, but Patrick has some serious reservations, so we'll definitely have to discuss it soon.
* Week 38- Induction or C-section! Probably on April 1st or 2nd if all goes well.

If at any time her growth slows too much or my fluid level drops, then they will induce/operate immediately. Also, if I go into labor on my own (which could happen once they remove the stitch or when they try to turn her), then they will help me out with pitocin or perform a C-section if she's still breech.

We're really in the countdown now! I can't believe it...she's really coming!!

Maternity Portraits

2008-02-29T15:21:00.000-06:00

OK, so I always swore that I would do everything I ever wanted with this pregnancy in case it never happened again. Bi-weekly belly shots, 4D ultrasound, and of course, maternity portraits. I have to admit, I was pretty nervous about it, but the photographer was awesome. They turned out pretty good. Here are a few of my favorites (there were 105 proofs total!). We already have her booked for newborn pics, so I'm excited about those!!!

I think I look the most "me" in this picture.

Then this is my favorite artsy belly shot.

Patrick really liked this one, and it may end up going in the nursery.

The two of us. I like the white shirts, and I think we may try this again with the newborn shots.

I felt a little naked in the wrap pictures, but they really did turn out nice.

More belly.

And this is the picture I would say was very "Patrick"

I need to narrow down my list to order tonight. I really can't believe that's actually my belly...even though I'm staring down at it right now. It seems like it's all flown by....but by all accounts, the adventure is just beginning : )

My Little Chunker plus Childbirth Class Part 1

2008-02-25T11:35:00.000-06:00

So I just thought I'd share a couple of the pics that we got at our 4D ultrasound last week. It was tons of fun, not something I would have paid for, but Mom really wanted to do it for us, so I wasn't complaining. We have a complete 30 min video of her in the womb, but we have several still shots that are just awesome. She loves putting her foot in her mouth (and it's not a small foot!), and she constantly had her hands in her face...the u/s tech told us to buy lots of mittens...LOL! It was fun to see what she was doing, and it was more priceless to see my mom's reactions (she cried, big surprise...LOL!). The biggest discovery...she looks just like her daddy!!

We stayed pretty busy this weekend, and the nursery is almost done...I can't wait to show it to you, but I just need to put away a few more things before I take pictures...it's dragonfly heaven...thank you Hobby Lobby for deciding to do all of your spring garden collection in 1)dragonflies 2) in all of my selected nursery colors and 3) for really freaking cheap!!! Some of you may know the running "Everything happens for a reason" joke at our house, but Patrick couldn't help pointing that out yesterday as a sat in the glider looking around at the nursery I'd always dreamed of...he said "Hey honey, you wouldn't have been able to find these decorations 3 years ago..." and in unison we said "Everything happens for a reason" and started cracking up.

In other news, we had our first childbirth class yesterday. It was entertaining, but honestly, we only left having learned just a few tidbits we didn't already know from hours of Discovery Health and TLC...LOL! But as always, Patrick was very entertaining, and we were cracking up most of the time (luckily other couples were, too). The most interesting info was the instructor highly recommending an epidural for any of us that were being induced. I knew the contractions were supposed to be far more intense, but hearing it from her somehow convinced me even more. Fine, I'll get the epidural, twist my arm a little more. Have I told you Patrick's theory on epidurals? He said to me one day "If a woman wants to prove how tough she is, fine, do it without the drugs. But if she wants to prove how smart she is, get the epidural." LOL! I'm starting to see his point ; )

Not to mention, my odds for a C-section are steadily increasing. She's still breech as far as I know, and apparently it's highly common for the cervix just not to dilate if it's been stitched...we'll just have to see what happens. 3 more weeks and then we'll be going day to day pretty much!!

Oh, one other note of importance. In our errand running on Saturday, we ended up unexpectedly at PF Chang's for a late lunch. Oh my gosh, they have the cutest little desserts in shot glasses! $2 a piece, and I HIGHLY recommend the Smores dessert...I'm plotting my way back near another PF Chang's ASAP. ; )

Funny Story Friday

2008-02-22T18:53:00.001-06:00

I can't believe I forgot to tell this story...it's sure to be one of those that we (mostly Patrick LOL!) tell for years.

So remember I said I was going to breastfeeding class a couple of weeks ago...and remember I said I was letting Patrick off the hook and not making him go... Well one of my friends took the same class in the fall, and she WARNED us that she was one of just 2 girls who didn't have her husband there...but did I listen? NO, I tried to be the good wife and let Patrick go golfing. I did not end up the good wife, but Patrick ended up one hell of a husband! Bottom line, the whole thing was my fault, but somehow I turned out smelling like a rose. : ) Take a lesson from mom baby!

Anyway, I get to the class and quickly realize I am the only one without a husband so far. I call Patrick and before I know it, the waterworks start. I tell him I have to get off the phone because class is starting, and I'll call him later. Now, I thought my little pregnant hormonal sniffle was enough to get him in his car and to the class (we live about 30 min from the hospital), but apparently, he texted me a few minutes later to find out if I was still the only one..I didn't get that text until an hour later. At that point, there were 14 couples and just 2 other girls with no husband. As you can expect from me, I made a joke about it when we had to introduce ourselves and said I let my husband go golfing. All of the men were laughing (and jealous), but I said that I had given him a guilt trip when I realized I was one of the few without a husband. The instructor said that I was supposed to get a gift for coming alone, and everyone laughed of course.

So flash forward to when I turn on my phone at the break and discover Patrick is still back in the suburbs! Oh boy I had a holy cow! I couldn't believe he wasn't on his way. Actually, he didn't even know where the class was. He said he was heading down there, but I was doing the grouchy thing saying no don't bother, and then finally, "Well you can come, but you're not sitting with me"...oh God, we're going to have a little me...can I really handle someone with my personality? LOL!

Anyway, 30 min later I see him outside the door. In true me fashion, I look at him with no expression and then turn back to the instructor without acknowledging him..LOL! He walks in and as soon as he sits down at my table, the whole room starts laughing. I then said "Now does this mean I won't get a present out of this?" And on cue, this wonderful man of mine pulls a little wrapped box from James Avery out of his pocket and plops it down right in front of me...you can imagine the collective "awww" from all the women in the room, and of course, what do I do? cry...LOL! The funniest part is that nowhere in my complaining/whining/bitching did I tell him anything about the "gift rule" for attending the class alone. It also seems that he had already bought the present before my second phone call/tantrum. Somehow that made me feel better.

Anyway, the poor man did NOT get to golf obviously, but I did let him go to a poker game that night, so maybe I paid my penance?

Either way, it's a funny story (which was completely my fault), we had a good time at the class (I missed having him there because I knew we'd be laughing and sure enough when he got there we started laughing at about 100 different inside jokes...we were like 2 kids in sex ed class or something...LOL!), AND I got a pair of gold flower and pearl earrings out of it. : )

3 years ago today....

2008-02-19T14:45:00.000-06:00

3 years ago today...I found out I was pregnant for the very first time. It was our third round of Clomid, and back then, I was still taking my temperature religiously every morning (gosh, that seems like worlds away...). I knew that I had reached a temp that was higher than usual for this point in the cycle the day before. I could hardly sleep that night. At 5am, I couldn't wait anymore. I was 12dpo, my temp was again higher that morning, so I got up very quietly and took the test. That day I did something that would become my ritual over the next few years. Take the test, set the timer, and turn around get on my knees and pray. I don't know if I can even count how many times I did that. But that morning, I turned around and saw 2 lines for the first time in my life. I went back to bed, and when Patrick asked me what happened, I started bawling. The poor thing started to console me, telling me that it was okay and we'd try again. It took me a good minute to get our through my sobs "No, I'm pregnant"...to which he said "Oh yeah?" I got up to show him my two lines and he didn't quite believe it since they were so light (he's later become a pregnancy test expert...with this pregnancy he proclaimed at 12 dpo "I don't even have to squint to see that one ; ) ). I remember going to Wal-Mart at 5am and buying more tests including a digital test. I took more tests and even the digital showed up "pregnant". We were up so early that he decided to go fishing. I remember sitting on the couch watching "13 Going on 30" and just being in awe of the fact that I was pregnant. I went to Barnes and Noble that day and bought "What to Expect When You're Expecting"....how funny...because I was definitely NOT expecting everything that was to come over the next few years.

I was so oblivious to it all. I was pregnant, I just assumed I'd have a baby. I had about 10 days of ignorant pregnant bliss before it all came crashing down on me. We had even told my parents complete with bibs on the dogs that said I love Grandma/Grandpa.

I never got that innocence back, it's impossible, but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. I still remember that morning vividly...as vividly as I remember the radiologist telling me 10 days later that there was no pregnancy in the uterus...but one in the tubes....the way I remember Patrick crying (one of the few times I've ever seem him truly cry)...the way I remember the exact episode of Lost that was on when I lay in my hospital bed alone that night (it was Hurley's numbers episode, Patrick had gone home to get me my things, Mom was still on her way)...the way I remember the look on Patrick's face when they found Twin #2 a week later...the way I remember knowing that twin #2 wouldn't make it, and just waiting for everyone else to realize it, too.

Will these memories change over the years? I remember the morning of every single positive pregnancy test. I remember the moment I was told that each one of them hadn't made it. I remember that joy, that fear, and that unbelievable pain, and it was different for every single one of them

Will she erase it all? Will all of it suddenly be easier to relive? Because right now I'm struggling not to start bawling sitting here in my office remembering it all.

I've found out that I was pregnant on 6 different occasions in the past 3 years (the first year produced no positives)...I've found out it was over 5 different times...

There's this little person in here kicking me right now. I want her to know just how much she was wanted, just how much we endured, how much we were willing to sacrifice...I want her to know that we didn't give up...when many people would have, when everyone thought we should, when we didn't know how much more we could take...we didn't give up....and she is more than worth it.

My Little Drama Queen...L&D Visit #2

2008-02-13T17:54:00.001-06:00

Well this little one is already full of drama...I wonder who she gets it from ; )

So a little update, we had some unexpected excitement on Monday. Sunday night I noticed that I felt a little crampy below my belly button and sort of all the way across. It was noticeable, but I had another bottle of water and went to bed early. I woke up okay Monday but it started up again mid-morning. It wasn't anything in any sort of pattern, just a constant discomfort. It didn't feel like menstrual cramps, more like what I call "pre-cramp cramps", the cramps you get right before you get the period cramps, you know? Anyway, it was bugging me, not painful, just "new", so I put a call in to the nurse (Dr. Swaim was out of town) and headed home with a plan to lay on the couch. Well the second I walk in the door, I get a call from the nurse. She asks a lot of questions, they don't like my answers, and they want me to head down to the hospital for a couple of tests. I actually tried to talk her out of it, but she said no way, they need to do the tests. So I call Patrick and he heads home, the whole way there I'm apologizing (we have cleaning to do since my mom and cousin are coming this weekend) that I know nothing's wrong and I'm sorry we're going to be stuck there all evening. We get to the hospital a little before 6pm.

So I go to the antepartum unit only for them to tell me that Dr. Swaim called in and requested I be worked up in L&D. So we get all settled in one of the nice big rooms with the pretty flooring etc. It was a little surreal being in there...freaked me out a little. They have the little infant warmer in there and everything, and the rooms are huge. Anyway, they get some urine, do a fetal fibronectin test, check my cervix, hook me up to the monitors, and with a little luck, they said I could get out of there in an hour or so. No such luck....I was still feeling fairly uncomfortable, but the contraction monitor was flat. Then the shift change at 7 brought a different nurse who decided the contraction monitor was too high. Low and behold as soon as she moved it, within seconds, it showed a contraction. I didn't believe her that it was real, but she ran off to check my lab results. While she was gone, small peaks kept showing up, and then I was able to associate them with a tightening...I thought it was just her stretching, nope, contractions...coming regularly at that (every 4-5 minutes). So she comes back and says they want to give me meds to stop the contractions. I get 2 shots of terbutaline, and the contractions stopped after the first dose. Terbutaline sucks though, made me WAY shaky. Well then this little brat kept moving all over the place and kicking the monitor away (they said IV fluids make them more hyper). So her heartrate chart looked like she was having decelerations, but really the nurse and I just think it was her moving too much. Anyway, the dr. on call decided that I needed a complete ultrasound just to make sure (to check fluid level, cord, etc.). So off we go down to Radiology. It's fun down there at 10:30 at night when it's not busy. The u/s tech took her time and showed us everything. I think Patrick really liked to see it all, the vessels in the cord, her (what looks to be) humongous foot. Thankfully, everything checked out just fine. My cervix was also very tight (it should be, it's sewn together) and way long...3.9cm...the darn thing keeps getting longer!

So we finally got home a little after midnight, and I've been home taking it easy for the past couple of days. I'm going back to work tomorrow though. I do feel better, but the idea that she might just decide to come early is terrifying me. Luckily, my fetal fibronectin test was negative, so in theory we have at least 2 weeks. What was scarier is that the dr. on call said that after 34 weeks, they won't stop the contractions anymore...yikes!

Anyway, that's the latest with us!! Here are the 30 week pics! We go for our 4D ultrasound on Saturday and we have our maternity portraits on Sunday, so it will be a busy weekend!!!!

9 weeks left...

2008-01-30T10:50:00.000-06:00

Can that really be right? 9 weeks and she'll be here. After waiting 4 years, she's really coming? I'm in awe of this every single day. I was just telling Patrick this morning that I'm in a bit of a panic. While I feel completely ready emotionally, I don't feel physically ready for her (getting the house in order, getting her stuff, learning to use the stuff, etc.). I'm completely lost. I can tell you absolutely everything about getting pregnant, staying pregnant, being pregnant...but the cold hard truth is that I don't have a freaking clue what to do with a baby. Am I really going to figure all of this out that fast?

Anyway, moving on from my panic of the hour, here are the pics from last week at 28 weeks. I just posted the mini-progression here because the big progression is getting too big and really you can see the big changes pretty good with just these pics. Boy do I look pregnant now!! It's actually kind of funny. I'm constantly running into things and when she gets active, I swear it looks like that thing from Alien is about to pop out of my stomach. But I love every minute of it.

Next on tap is an all day Breastfeeding class on Saturday. I've excused Patrick from it because that just seems like pure torture, and I'm not that mean...today at least. ; ) Also, the showers are coming, more appointments, you name it, and every step along the way just makes it more real. The craziest moment for me in the past week was when I opened my own shower invitation. To see my name on that invitation...finally, after all these years, well I got a little emotional. I'm really having a baby, and I have to repeat that to myself several times a day so I can finally start believing it.

POP! The 26 weeks update way late!

2008-01-22T11:10:00.000-06:00

OK, so it took me forever to post this update! Below are the last round of pics, but believe it or not, it's time to take more pics this week. I think we can finally agree that I've popped! What a strange experience it is to carry around this belly. I look at myself in the mirror, and it's just so hard to believe this is really me...I guess I'd dreamed of looking pregnant for so long that it's just so surreal to actually see it. The good news is that so far I actually look the way I imagined so I can't complain. : )

Here's the running pooch-o-meter.

And here's my latest pic...I think that's the last time you'll see this shirt...it's not stretchy material...LOL!

No sex til Summer! and other reasons I love my husband

2008-01-17T10:51:00.000-06:00

No sex til summer....(say it like you're singing "No Sleep Til Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys)
I just wanted to point out that little fact. Since we conceived...there has been no action. This is what happens when you're in a high risk pregnancy coupled with spotting, followed by a cerclage, etc. Seriously...it's been since July, and following the usual post-delivery rules, we're looking at May....freaking MAY!
That trooper of a husband of mine has been absolutely wonderful about it, so much so that even my mom commented on it (which was awkward...LOL!). I on the other hand am going CRAZY! My dreams...don't even get me started on my dreams. I need to change the subject...LOL!

Anyway, I was talking about how wonderful my husband is. He called yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. I said yes of course, but assumed that we were going to see something he wanted to see (National Treasure I thought). Low and behold, he caught me completely off guard when we stopped in front of the theater playing PS I Love You. Seriously, I have the BEST husband ever.

Continuing in his praise today (it is his birthday tomorrow after all), he said the most amazing thing the other day. We were standing at the kitchen sink, and he reached over and rubbed my belly (which he does constantly these days), and then said "What if we'd given up after the last one?"...meaning what if we just hadn't tried again after the last miscarriage. I couldn't even answer, I just teared up, and he hugged me so tight. He's never stopped telling me how strong I was for making it through everything we've endured these past few years, he's always given me more credit than I deserve for getting to this point, but it wasn't until he said that that I truly realized that reward I'm getting for seeing this through...the prize I get for not giving up...when so many other people would have given up...given up on their strength, their faith, their bodies, given up on each other even. I spend every day being thankful that this journey only ever succeeded in bringing Patrick and I closer. With every loss, with every bad test result, every frustrating day, we only clung tighter to each other. He was always just as frustrated to hear about someone else getting pregnant, just as hurt by stupid comments, and he was so tormented by the pregnant teenagers he had to see everyday at school. I have NEVER felt alone on this path, and I am so unbelievably lucky to have him by my side as we start this new chapter.

OK, so apparently I needed to get that out...LOL!
In other news, I passed my glucose tolerance test YAY!, but I failed my anemia test BOO! So I started iron pills last week, what a freaking horse pill! Anyway, I really do feel like I have more energy, but it's probably just psychosomatic.

And we've now succeeded in completely overscheduling ourselves for the month of February including: 9 high school soccer games (Patrick's coaching), breastfeeding class, hometown shower, local shower, maternity portraits, 4D ultrasound, and childbirth classes. We don't have an open weekend until mid-March at this point!
I promise my 26 week pics tomorrow (even though I'm already at 27w). Boy am I growing!!!

Post Holiday Updates!

2008-01-02T12:52:00.000-06:00

Well I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year's celebration!! We did a lot of visiting, worked around the house, made some time for fun (see the movie Juno...LOVED it!), and managed to put our house in shambles (more on that later).

First, Christmas brought us to 24 weeks which of course means new pictures! I definitely look pregnant now, but as usual, I'm already bigger than when we took these pictures last week!!
The latest progression...

24 weeks (oh and a new hairdo..heehee)

All went well at my appt last week. Much to my surprise, my appointments will now be every 2 weeks, another "perk" of being a problem child (although Dr. Swaim keeps telling me what a boring pregnant lady I am these days!! : ) ). Next week's appt will also include my glucose tolerance test, and I hear that lovely liquid I get to drink is just yummy...not. In other news, she said I'd be switching over to heparin (twice daily shots instead of once daily Lovenox) at about 36 weeks in preparation for delivery. Also, we have a window!!! This little girl will arrive somewhere between April 1-4th! That's our induction window! We'll most likely be looking at April 2nd, exactly 38 weeks. That's exactly 3 months from today and a fairly terrifying thought...LOL!

Referring back to my mention of our house mess...we decided to go ahead and put in the same wood flooring we used for the nursery in the living room. So currently my living room furniture is spread between the breakfast nook and dining room and the piano is blocking one entryway making for a creative escape route from the kitchen to the front door. Turns out I can't slip through those tight spots that I used to ; ) But of course, the floor will be completely worth it once it's done. I can't believe how much dirt and dust was under the carpet, and I'll be much happier with it gone!!

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-21T09:57:00.000-06:00

Before I forget, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! I'll be leaving work today and not coming back until after the New Year, so hopefully, I'll be too busy resting and working around the house to get online. ; )

We have so much to be grateful for this holiday season, but it's still hard to forget the difficult times we've had...especially thinking of the holidays. Three years ago, my grandfather passed away unexpectedly...on December 29th. I was away in Virginia for school already. I was actually doing a take-home final in my hotel room while he was in emergency surgery. Everyone thought everything was going to be fine. But in the middle of the night, the phone rang and Patrick answered, and as soon as I heard the tone of his voice, I knew what my mom had called to say. At that moment, my world came crashing down. I had yet to experience "loss" at that point in my life. I had never had a miscarriage, I had never lost a close friend or relative, I'd never been the one at the funeral that people were giving condolences to. My grandparents raised me until I was 14...he was as much my dad as he was my grandfather. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I still remember sitting in the airport that day waiting for my flight...time seemed to move so slowly. I didn't know how to deal with that kind of pain...but I guess God had me in training. Two months later I was pregnant, what a miracle...but over the course of 4 weeks, I would go through 2 more losses...I'd get good at it before it was all over.

But back to the holiday issue. I've found myself a little depressed this holiday season...what on earth do I have to be depressed about?!? Well I finally figured it out. The holidays have been the source of a lot of sorrow for me in the past few years. 3 years ago, the death of my grandfather...we buried him New Year's Day. 2 years ago, I was suffering through my 4th loss. I ended up with a D&C on December 23rd and spent Christmas at my parents in my pajamas, bleeding and cramping horribly. And then last year....all the promise that the pain was over only to have it end so very badly. I was pregnant last Christmas, that was actually when we told my family. I was pregnant but so very worried because I was still in the "dangerous" first trimester. I was pregnant last New Year's...but two days later I started spotting and then it was all over again...loss#5. I was wondering why I had such a hard time finding my Christmas decorations this year and why nothing was packed the way I usually do it. Then we remembered that I wanted nothing to do with it. Patrick put away everything, took down the tree, I'm pretty sure I was downstairs drugged post D&C. Another holiday season ending in tragedy.

So how do I do this now? Here we are, with everything that we've ever dreamed of this holiday season. As this little one kicks me as I write this, I think it comes back to the fact that I still have a hard time believing this is really happening. Patrick gets happier by the day. He'll be on the phone complaining about something at school and then the minute he walks in the door and sees my belly, his whole demeanor changes. She's already had such an impact on our lives, but why am I still so afraid to believe this is real?

That's my Christmas wish this year...I wish for the courage and the faith to enjoy every second of this pregnancy, every second of this little girl's life. Lord knows that we've fought long and hard for this, and I'm still in absolute awe that our prayers have been answered.

Merry Christmas everyone.

22 weeks pics...getting rounder

2007-12-13T10:56:00.000-06:00

I swear, the bump is really much more impressive in person, the pictures don't do it justice ; ) Just in the past couple of days, people have FINALLY started noticing that I'm pregnant. It's really much more exciting than I had imagined. Patrick is absolutely in love with this belly, he said seeing me grow just gives him reassurance that everything is going as it should. Of course, she kicked him pretty good yesterday, too, so that helps. ; )

So here are the latest pics! As usual, the progression...

the newest pic...notice my nice increase in weight! Finally, the scale is starting to move...hopefully it doesn't start to move too fast, but for now, I'm happy with the change of pace!

and then this is how I looked last night before the soccer booster club meeting.

Not much on tap for the next few days. I might try to get some holiday baking in, and we're definitely going to see I Am Legend tomorrow on IMAX (although I'm pretty sure that I won't stop crying for hours if/when something happens to the dog...). We're attempting a garage sale maybe on Saturday to try to get rid of some stuff, but we'll see if we're motivated enough to do it...LOL!

Extreme Makeover: Nursery Edition, Stage One

2007-12-11T14:26:00.000-06:00

Well the room that was previously known as "the office" is now officially "the nursery". That room has been through major issues. It used to be functional, but honestly, I think I become more and more distanced from that room as things got worse for us. It was always "the office" but it was also always "the room that will be the nursery." So as that possibility grew less and less, I didn't even want to see the room. Over the course of the last year and a half, I don't even think I'd been in there but twice. The door had been closed, random things would get stored there, and it became the clutter room. I was too afraid to look in there because I knew I would think about the fact that there should have been a baby in there by now...

So this before picture, really doesn't do the room justice. There were bookshelves, a large computer desk, a sewing machine table, random boxes of books, backpacks, etc. occupying all of this room. It just became the room for things we didn't want to deal with. So to open that door was a huge step for us. Patrick cleaned it out in a matter of a couple of days. This is what it looked like once everything was out.

You can actually see our paint trial on the wall at that point...LOL!

So over Thanksgiving weekend, Patrick and my dad proceeded to paint the entire room in my preselected colors. : )

And they also managed to lay down new flooring which they were able to finish in a couple of days (Thanks to the tool loaning fairies for saving us!!).

So there it sits...waiting for my next move. ; ) I probably won't do a whole lot until after the showers. We need to order the furniture and the bedding. I also plan to do some painting of dragonflies, flowers, etc, but I really need to find the time! It would probably be easier to do that before the furniture gets here so maybe that will be my Christmas-New Years week project.

Anyway, we go in there once every couple of days and just walk around. It's so clean and fresh...just this wonderful new start for a room...it truly amazes me to think that this room will belong to someone we haven't even met yet...but someone we've waited for for so long...

Belated Tummy Update

2007-12-10T10:36:00.000-06:00

I'm so bad at this. I'm getting ready to take my 22 week pictures in 2 days, and I'm just now posting my 20 week pictures!! Sorry!! There's definitely been A LOT of growth since we took these a couple of weeks ago!!

Here's my total progression again with the newest pic added (apparently my photographer decided to do a little more of a close-up this time...LOL!).

And here's what I look (looked...LOL!) like in clothes. Pardon Tristan's tail in the bottom of the picture...LOL!

I can't wait for my pictures on Wednesday. I've been SO sore everynight that there's all sorts of growing and stretching going on, it's GOT to show up in the picture this time!!!

Leaving the State of Denial

2007-12-04T10:16:00.001-06:00

I'm truly attempting to leave the state of denial. There's an actual baby in here. I know because I feel her move. Patrick can feel her move (at 20w1d), and I can see my tummy move when she kicks if I'm paying attention (she's a strong one!). I'm having a baby. There's a room that's dedicated to her. Clothes and shoes and toys that we've gathered through the years...and it was all meant for her. I'm really having a baby, and whenever I start to doubt or forget that fact, she kicks me to remind me that she's really there...and she's really mine.

My hormones are a joy lately, and anything can make me cry. I've avoided everything baby for so long that now the sight of a tiny sock can trigger waterfalls from me. This is really happening. Patrick seems more well-adjusted to this fact than I am, but it's really starting to hit me now.

Speaking of Patrick, he's been completely cracking me up lately. First, we were driving home one day, and he started to ask me about the models in my Fit Pregnancy magazine. He said that maybe I could do that...LOL! When I told him that I am and always will be too short to be a model, he proceeded to say that half the pictures were of women sitting down, so he couldn't see why it mattered. I also told him that the pregnant women in the magazine, while really pregnant, were also real models...LOL! Just the fact that he considered me pregnant-cute enough to suggest I could model pregnant was enough to make me feel even more comfortable with this changing body of mine....or maybe he just wanted to golf this weekend ; )

Continuing with my goofy husband, last night he was attempting to talk to the baby, and I told him he needs to talk directly to the belly. So he puts his mouth on my belly and says what? "Baby.....I am your father" in his best Darth Vader voice. Luckily, she already appreciates his silly sense of humor and kicked.

I definitely owe you some pictures. First of the nursery work done over Thanksgiving. And then last week's belly picture at 20 weeks. I'll try to remember to download those tonight!!!

As the Tummy Grows...

2007-11-19T15:58:00.000-06:00

In all my excitement last week, I forgot to post the newest belly progression. I swear though, I've grown again since we took these pictures last week!

Here's the total progression to date.

And here's all of me! I always think I look more pregnant with my shirt down! LOL!

It's a.....

2007-11-16T12:21:00.000-06:00

GIRL!!!

We had our appt with the perinatologist yesterday. We were both pretty nervous going in because you just can't help but wonder if everything is still going as it should. I mean I know we hear the heartbeat and I feel movement, but still, that doubt creeps in about heart defects, tumors, cysts, you name it.

Of course, everything was just perfect. As soon as he put the probe on, he said GIRL! Patrick, who had proclaimed he wanted a boy, started smiling and didn't stop until we left in separate cars. The rest of the ultrasound went great. Everything in the right place, 2 arms, 2 legs, he checked the brain, spine, stomach, bladder, kidneys, etc. Strangely when he was measuring the leg bones, he turned to Patrick and said "Now how tall are you Dad?" By the way, I love that they call us Mom and Dad at this office...LOL! Of course, Patrick is way tall (6'3"-4"), so it makes me wonder if we've got a long one in there. ; ) Anyway, she measured a few days ahead like last time, and everything looked just great...she was kicking and turning, and when he put it on 3D, you could see her chubby little cheeks (picture to come later).

In other good news, my cervix is doing wonderfully. It measured 2.5cm last month when we decided to put in the cerclage. Yesterday, it measured 3.1cm!! So that means the cerclage is actually making it stronger, I was so happy to hear this!

We were headed to our cars when Patrick said "She can be a girly girl but still be tough. I can see her saying 'Hold on, let me put down my Prada so I can kick your ass.'"
Yep, that's what we're in for. Lord help us if she gets Patrick's size and my temper and decides to play soccer.

Patrick wanted to head home to leave one car behind so we could shop. We ran around looking at cribs and girly bedding (not too girly though), and then we went and had dinner at the Melting Pot (our favorite fondue place). It was just nice ro relax and have a long dinner to talk about things.

We're having a daughter...I'm going to have a daughter. I didn't realize how much I wanted a girl until the dr. said it. In that moment, I remembered hearing about the chromosome testing from my last two losses....2 girls...had I never had a daughter, I think there would have always been that empty place in my heart...but now....a daughter...my daughter. I still can't believe this is real.

Mr./Ms. Wiggles

2007-11-05T10:31:00.000-06:00

I swear I can get nothing done once this baby starts wiggling around. I just sit here in awe of what's happening. The movement has really gotten more pronounced over the past few days, with tons of noticeable "wiggles" and even a few kicks. I'm loving every minute of it, but I can imagine that if the baby stays this active, I may not be getting much sleep in a few months...LOL!

Patrick and I also had our first trip to Babies R Us together this weekend...needless to say, he was a little overwhelmed when we walked out. I think it was part "how much is all of this going to cost?" and part "oh God, we're really having a baby". But he's very cute when he gets opinionated, and he proceeded to shake the crap out of every single Pack n Play before he decided which one was safest...LOL!

We're still undecided on bedding, and that just got worse when I introduced him to the more expensive bedding sets that they don't sell at Babies R Us. We're trouble when we're together because we both enjoy the finer things in life...it seems this baby will be no different. But then again, it is going to get pooped, peed, and puked on, so we need to learn to be a little more practical. That being said, I think we've both decided on a certain style of crib that we won't compromise on, so we'll just see if we catch any sales in the next couple of months.

I am fighting miserable headaches these days, and today's is bordering on a migraine. I'm in my office with most of the lights off and I'm functioning, but at some point, I've got to make a decision about when to drive home if it seems like it's getting worse. Sounds like a short day today.

Updates, updates, updates!!!

2007-11-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

I know, I suck, I'm sorry!!!
Things have just been nutty at work, and my parents came to visit, too.

All is well (and growing). Let's see. I haven't had any appointments in the past couple of weeks, but there have been some developments. On Monday, I was sitting at my desk, and I felt the strangest sensation...like someone had touched my abdomen from the inside very lightly...as soon as I started to think "was that...?" it happened again...my first baby flutter!! Anyway, I felt the fluttering again everyday this week. Just this morning, I was thinking I hadn't felt anything, so I sat still, and as if he heard me, I got a big "thump"! I swear he must have flipped completely! This has been the craziest thing. First there was doubt as to what it was, but it's always in the same spot, and in the same area where we hear his loud heartbeat on the doppler!!

My parents were here this past weekend, and we had a blast. They are just so excited. We sent Patrick out golfing Saturday so we went to Babies R Us, and as Dad said, went through every single aisle. Mom was being great, just telling me all about this crap that I'm clueless on (I can tell you the intricacies of how to get and stay pregnant, but I sure as hell can't tell you what to do once you have an actual baby you're responsible for!!). Dad was also hilarious interjecting his own comments and toning Mom down when necessary (although he was on a relentless pursuit for a "man-boob"...seen "Meet the Fockers").

The best part was maternity clothes shopping!! For the love of God, why did I wait so long? Those pants were so comfortable that I literally walked out of Motherhood with a new pair of capris on! I don't even want to know how much my parents spent on me last weekend, but as Patrick put it "I made out like a bandit". Plus, I also got a Snoogle (this ridiculously long pillow that looks more like a creepy snake), which led to my first good night of sleep in a few days and my first morning without a headache. I am NOT a side sleeper normally, so this is really helping me!!

So here's what you've been waiting for. My dear genius husband forgot to send me my 14week pic, so for now, I'll just post the latest at 16w along with a repost of the original 6-12 week progression. Seriously though, you've got to see it now! Oddly, it FEELS way bigger than it looks, and I look more pregnant with my shirt down than with it up...note to self...take both pics next picture day!!
Original progression

16 weeks and a proud pooch!

Oh, one more thing to note. My parents upon arriving Friday were concerned to learn that I'd only gained maybe a pound the whole time (I used to be stupid about weight in high school, weren't we all). However, after seeing me eat all day Saturday, Dad was not concerned in the least...it seems I offered him some of my ribs at lunch and then proceeded to eat them all before he had a chance to have one...LOL!

Ode to my Skinny Jeans

2007-10-16T10:51:00.000-05:00

First off, I feel absolutely wonderful post-cerclage. Hard to believe it's even in there! Spotting stopped on Saturday, no cramping, nada!

What's more fun is that my nausea is now gone, but it has been replaced by MAJOR hunger! Seriously, yesterday in the span of 10 minutes I went from thinking I might be hungry to shaky hands, feeling faint, give me food NOW hungry. It was crazy! On another note, along with the nausea leaving, my energy seems to have returned (all of this happened yesterday!). I had the most productive day at work in 3 months and even made dinner last night (still fell asleep at 9pm, but what's a girl to do).

Now let's take a moment to remember my skinny jeans. We all have them...the tightest ones in the closet, the ones that say "I'm going out, and I'm looking good." They were my favorites, always flattering, always dressy...always buttoned?? Not anymore. Now you know I've been using the Bella Band to leave my jeans unbuttoned for the comfort factor, but I felt the need to point out that my pants still DO button (just not comfortably). Well, the same cannot be said for my skinny jeans. Just recently, I put them on and discovered that while they go on (and can be held up by the Bella Band), it is in fact physically impossible to button them...they were the first to go...I'm guessing because they're low-rise. Anyway, this happened a week ago. Just yesterday, my dressy fitted black pants met the same fate. Although these still will button, but if I'd sat down or sneezed, I would have lost a button and someone would have lost an eye.

That being said, tomorrow is picture day (again!), so let's see if there's a difference this time! I definitely look a little chubbier, but still don't look pregnant.

Oh, a random note on cravings...most women crave cookies, cake, salty chips, french fries...I on the other hand crave MEAT and most recently last night...get this...cooked spinach with butter. And it tasted SO GOOD!!!!

Cerclage....Check!

2007-10-12T08:41:00.000-05:00

Well my cerclage is in!

We headed to the hospital yesterday, and it was a very interesting experience to be there. I've had 3 surgeries there (the other three were at the surgery center), so we've never really been there with good news. Plus a lot of my first BAD ultrasounds were there in the radiology department, so it's just a weird place for me. This was the first time I would come out of surgery still pregnant...and it was the first time passing the rooms with all of the big birth announcements posters didn't bother me. It was the first time I felt like I belonged there (it's strictly a woman's hospital).

So all went well in pre-op. They found the baby quickly with the doppler (160bpm), but all I was thinking was that I hope no one in the curtains next to me was there for a miscarriage...what torture that would have been. We also heard someone else later who they were taking FOREVER to find the heartbeat, and it was funny because Patrick and I both found ourselves listening and getting nervous for this person we didn't know. They finally found it though right before I was taken back. Patrick knows the drill really well, so it wasn't too stressful, but we were really worried about the effect of the anesthesia on the baby.

So in pre-surgery, they put in my IV, and I got to talk to the anesthesiologist. I told him I was panicking about the anesthesia's effect on the baby, and he put down his paperwork, sat on the corner of the bed, and did a magnificent job of calming me down. Apparently, he was 4 kids, all born with the help of a cerclage, all cerclages performed at that hospital under general anesthesia. He told me all the details of what they were giving me, that I would take the brunt of it, the baby wouldn't get much at all, and that it was perfectly safe and they did it multiple times every single day. So I felt SO much better. I also got to talk to Dr. Swaim and of course, she made me laugh and calmed me down again.

Funny thing is, I didn't get to have that usual pre-op "margarita" that calms you down before they wheel you into the OR. So I saw everything, was completely aware, and was very talkative...LOL They told me to take 4 deep breaths as soon as I felt the stinging in my IV. I remember the 4th breath, and that was it!

I woke up in the recovery room and apparently immediately started asking how the baby was doing. They checked the heart rate and found it right away at 148bpm. I asked if that was typical after surgery, and they said usually they're only at 120-130bpm, so my little muffin shook if off like a champ! He's tough like his mama. I had a great nurse in recovery. Actually every nurse I had yesterday was just awesome. It was such a reality check for me. For my other surgeries, everyone was very sympathetic, nurturing, careful...but this time, they would look at my history and tell me how amazing and exciting it was this time. Everyone was chipper and comforting but so upbeat. I was glad to finally be "that girl"...a different girl than I've ever been. Problem child...yes...but PREGNANT problem child. ; )

Anyway, as soon as I saw Patrick he looked worried, but once I told him we already heard the muffin post-surgery, he perked up right away. I sat in recovery and drank my Sprite and then did my job (peed...LOL!). Then they checked the heartbeat again! 156bpm that time, so we were both ready to go!

Leaving there was interesting. They wheeled me down and I waited for Patrick to pull up. There were two other women holding newborns and nervous husbands were attempting to load up the cars. After any other surgery, that would have been pure torture...but yesterday, I vowed that the next time I was wheeled out of that hospital...that would be me.

I feel pretty good. I napped a little yesterday, but I was really restless, last night, too. I got nauseous last night and had a hard time with dinner, but I think that was just the anesthesia. Usually I'm good and drugged post-surgery, but this time, I didn't even ask for any pain meds in recovery and I haven't even taken a Tylenol!

I'm home resting today, and just dealing with a headache that the computer isn't helping with at the moment, so off I go.

I'm so unbelievably grateful that everything went so well. Now we've done everything we can. I WILL have this baby...this WILL be THE ONE! We still take it one day at a time, but at 13w2d, I'm more and more confident that there will continue to be a tomorrow!!

Here's where you humor me

2007-10-05T15:23:00.001-05:00

I certainly thought there would be this huge difference this week...and not so much apparently...LOL! I swear I FEEL the difference, I just wish it would show up on the pictures! Right now, I just look like I need to do more crunches! I want a belly already dang it!

My visit with the High-Risk OB

2007-10-05T13:24:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was just an awesome day. We met with Dr. Kirshon for the first time. I really like him, and I'm happy to have him on my team. The rooms are really nice, and the ultrasound chairs are way comfy! They're actual chairs that recline and shift all over the place, so it was really nice. Plus the room is dimly lit, very relaxing, and there are 2 additional TVs to the normal ultrasound screen so that we can see what is going on very clearly.

As soon as he put the probe to my stomach...there was our little one. To see that profile of that little baby was amazing, so of course I started crying right away. Funny enough, he had the hiccups!! He kept trying to get his left hand in his mouth..almost like he was trying to get his thumb in his mouth. Then he was kicking his legs for a bit. His hiccups finally went away and then he was just relaxing.

The NT measurement was terrific. I saw the first measurement at 1.1mm, and I said "yay", and Dr. Kirshon explained to Patrick (who was confused) that it was a very benign measurement and meant that everything looked really great. The nasal bone was present, and overall he looked great. We saw 2 arms and 2 legs, heart rate was at 175bpm, and he measured 5.9cm (12w3d). Dr. Kirshon also switched it to 3D for a minute, so that was pretty cool. Although Patrick was having a Rachel on Friends moment and couldn't quite see the baby...I think the picture below is pretty clear, but the scan quality is never as clear as seeing it on the screen.

Dr. Kirshon was very positive (which of course I need to hear) and said that everything looked absolutely terrific and the baby looks perfect for this stage.

Then he measured my cervix. As soon as I saw what the measurement was, I said "Uh-oh", to which he said "Yep, I think we're going to need to place the cerclage". My cervix measured 2.5cm. The cutoffs for preventative cerclages can range from 2.5cm-3cm depending on the doctor. With a history like mine and a cervix that short, the choice was clear. There was no funneling, so it's holding together just fine, but we just won't take a chance.

In the end, I was glad that the decision was so easy to make. I think if it had been borderline and we'd decided to just monitor it every couple of weeks that I would be panicked between each appointment wondering if things were going wrong. Apparently there are no symptoms of an incompetent cervix...it just happens. I know my losses have been horrific, but that kind of loss...I just don't know if I could make it back from that after everything else. So I'm grateful that everyone was so forward-thinking to check me for this now and that they're being proactice.

So Dr. Swaim will be placing the cerclage. My pre-op appts at her office and at Woman's Hospital will be Wednesday, and then the cerclage will be placed at noon on Thursday under general anesthesia.

I'm nervous. I just want everything to be okay. Now that I've seen that little one inside of me (which I still can't quite grasp), I realize just what's at stake.

I've long said that I'll do whatever it takes...so this is just one more step along the way.

Here's my little muffin...cute profile shot

And the 3D alien looking pic...LOL! I can totally see his face though!

Updates

2007-09-27T15:56:00.000-05:00

So my sweet husband finally scanned all my ultrasound pictures. I picked the best ones and have posted them on each of the corresponding appointment posts. Now that he has the scanner figured out, I'll try to be faster with my appt next week since those should be pretty cool pictures!

Speaking of sweet husbands, he came home from the grocery store the other day with the most random stuff...snacks, eye shadow brushes (I had complained my favorite one was falling apart), new eye shadow (now I don't generally use eye shadow from the grocery store, but hey, I'll give it a shot), and get this...purple glitter top coat nail polish...could this man know me any better??

Anyway, we're still taking it day by day here. We look forward to the daily muffin checks, and lately, he's been far more panicked than me. He really likes the doppler though, I think it makes it real for him, you know?

One week until my high-risk/perinatal/maternal-fetal medicine/whatever-you-want-to-call-that-dr. appointment.

PIMPLE!!!

2007-09-24T11:29:00.001-05:00

Oh dear Lord...people said this might happen but I was not prepared for the monstrosity on my forehead at the moment. I mean it's a full out "stay-home-from-high school" pimple right smack in the middle of my forehead! I felt it coming on yesterday, then the pain from this thing actually woke me up last night. This morning...the horror...Patrick could only laugh. I believe this incident was initiated by the eyebrow waxing I had on Saturday. I noticed that I seemed to have a slight reaction to the post-waxing cooling lotion...and then slowly, it appeared..LOL!

In other news, I did manage to do a little shopping and got a few looser tops here and there. More importantly, I found a bella band, and I'm loving it. I CAN button my pants, but good Lord who wants to!! I'm miserable when they're buttoned, especially if I'm sitting down! I'm finally realizing I should stop trying to suck in because my efforts are producing no results anymore...LOL!

Muffin Watch with the doppler has been fun, and Patrick seems more addicted to it than me. He asked me this morning if I checked on the muffin before I left for work, and I actually hadn't since I planned on making it an evening thing, and I think he was disappointed.

10 weeks 5 days and I'm still here!!!

My Doppler Works!!

2007-09-21T10:28:00.000-05:00

Yes, my doppler arrived yesterday. And of course, I got it to work in 5 minutes...I AM a scientist after all. In all seriousness, those were the longest 5 minutes ever, even though I knew that it would be hard to find. It was actually interesting because I kept hearing my heartbeat, but then there was this echo and the rhythm just didn't quite match. When I focused more on that area, a little this way, a little that way, tilt just so, and there he was, beating away!! Patrick got home about 15 minutes later, so I attempted this again. Of course, I'd made an exact notation of where I found him, I'm surprised I didn't draw an X on my stomach and label it "Place Doppler here", but luckily it was near my freckle, so I had something to go by. : )

Anyway, he wasn't there anymore!! I start moving around and that little brat had moved a good 2-3 inches to the left right in the middle of my tummy...LOL! Even as I was catching him that time, I was chasing him across my belly, Patrick was cracking up! It was fun though, and I'm really glad we decided to get it. Of course, when I have trouble finding it again, I'm sure I'll say that I hate the doppler...LOL!

The good thing is that it will only get easier to find it. A lot of people say to start at your bikini line, but he was a good inch or two higher than that, so he's on his way up...meaning my uterus is on its way up...meaning maybe my 12 week pic WILL actually be more impressive. ; )

One day at a time...but the days are getting easier...and happier.

Belly Shots!

2007-09-20T10:46:00.000-05:00

That's right. If I'm going to pretend to be "just another pregnant girl", then you have to be subjected to bi-weekly belly shots. Behold the miraculous change below...what's that you say? They look the same to you? LOL!

So I started at 6w, then by 8 weeks had lost 2 pounds total, then at 10weeks, I've lost 3 pounds total...yet somehow maybe I look a little poochier down low in the last one? Maybe? Come on, throw me a bone here.

ok, I have to admit, I'm a little jealous. Everyone on the pregnancy boards is showing off their little 10 week "bump"...but according to every book I've read and Dr. Swaim, those other "bumps" are probably gas or too much ice cream...so I guess I'm supposed to feel better about looking mostly the same...LOL! But now is when changes start to happen, so let's hope for a difference in 2 weeks!

Even though there's little change, my jeans are driving me insane! They button, but the bug me and make me more nauseous. Not to mention, practically every shirt I have is tailored and fitted. So I'm on a mission this weekend. I'm going to find a Bella Band and see if that will help my jeans and make a couple of tighter skirts more comfortable, and then I'm going to go buy fun shirts! NOT maternity shirts, just those cute empire waisted/babydoll shirts that are at EVERY single store right now. That's going to make the transition period much easier! I'm TIRED of sucking it in every day...not to mention that lower portion I was talking about WON'T suck in anymore!!! LOL!

In other news, the DHL website just reported to me that my doppler is on the truck for delivery to my house today!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure I'll drive myself, Patrick, the cats and dogs all crazy with it tonight!

10 weeks

2007-09-19T12:03:00.001-05:00

Really? It's been 10 weeks and I'm still pregnant? We've never made it this far...ever.

I had the best appt this morning with Dr. Swaim. First, the nurse decided to try the doppler, just to see. Took her a couple of minutes, but as soon as she found it, it was so obvious. That little heartbeat just thumping away. What an unbelievable sound.

Then I was not prepared for the ultrasound. He was moving...not just moving, but practically doing backflips! We've never seen movement before...never. It was such an amazing moment, to see that little life...inside of me. Is this real?

In other news, we went ahead and upped my Lovenox dose to 40mgs today, so that makes me feel better. My platelet count came back high which is common in people with clotting disorders, so everything is covered. I'll continue with this dose up until delivery, and then after he's here, I'll be on it for 6 weeks post-partum.

Funny story, Dr. Swaim said I could come in whenever I wanted, every day if that made me feel better. My doppler is supposed to be here tomorrow, so I just made an appt for next week with the nurse so she could show me how to use it, but odds are I'll have that figured out this weekend.

Anyway, she mentioned that she doesn't get that sense of panic from me this time and that I seem calm, and I told her that I did in fact feel better but still a little panicked, that we just weren't sure what to do now. Her response was that my panic is probably more from "Holy shit, I'm having a baby this time!". That's my doctor and that's why I love her...LOL!

Oh, one other thing. People have asked "do you know it's a boy?" since I keep saying "he". It's a defense mechanism actually. The two that we had tested were both girls...so somehow envisioning this baby as a boy makes me feel like everything will be different this time, does that make sense? In reality, we would be ecstatic no matter what...wouldn't it be a shame if I never had a girl to pass on all my fashion advice to? ; )

So we sit tight, wait for the doppler tomorrow, and then the appt with the high risk ob on October 4th (2 weeks from tomorrow) for the first trimester screen and cerclage consult. Then we'll see where we go from there.

Oh, one more funny story. My dear friend Jenn was trying to explain the cerclage to her husband and he said "I don't get it" to which she said "they're going to sew her up so the baby doesn't fall out". Sounds like as good an explanation as any!

Surviving

2007-09-17T13:27:00.000-05:00

That's probably the best way to describe me right now. I had yet another episode of spotting on Saturday night which continued into Sunday. Seems to be pretty much gone now. But after promising I wouldn't, I still panicked. I also seemed to be having major cramps on Sunday...which later seemed to be due to constipation. While I told Patrick I forgot to take my Colace on Sat night, thinking back, I actually forgot it on Friday, too...oops.

I am having all sorts of weird cramps though...not horrible just noticeable, so it's freaking me out a little bit. But I'm also extremely nauseous, so everything seems "normal".

The sad thing is that I don't know what "normal" is for this stage.

We made it the farthest we ever made it last time. She stopped growing at 9w3d, we found out at 9w5d...I'm 9w5d today. I think that's why the spotting on Saturday really freaked me out, it just reminded me of what happened last time. All of that pain is still so real, I can't imagine having to relive it all over again. I just need to get to Wednesday, past all the bad memories, into new and exciting territory. I just need to get past all this pain.

Oh, speaking of pain, interesting occurrence last night. I was having this horrible nightmare that I had appendicitis and was in the emergency room. They needed to do surgery, I was trying to tell them I was pregnant, and the pain was excruciating. Imagine my horror when I wake up and realize the pain I had been "dreaming" was very real. Except instead of low and on my right side, it was higher up. I was in major pain under my ribs all the way down to my belly button and it hurt all the way across. I got up to pee thinking moving might help, but it was absolutely horrible. I came back to bed and woke up Patrick to tell him #1 baby is fine but #2 something is wrong with me. Somewhere in all of that, I decided that I felt a little better if I sat up. It hurt so bad that I could not take in a decent breath. Slowly, I started to move a little bit and finally it released. Boy, it was scary because I had no idea what it was and it was bad enough to wake me up!

So this morning, I'm describing it to one of my co-workers and she starts laughing. She asked me if I ate dinner. Well no, as a matter of fact, I was having a very nauseous day yesterday. I ate a tiny bit of breakfast, a small lunch at 11am, and then I just couldn't eat dinner so I had a little fruit salad. She told me, I had gas! I was like "no, but it was in my chest". She then asked if I felt better once I sat up. LOL! Yep, I had some trapped air, probably in my stomach, no food in there to keep it busy, and it wreaked havoc on me in my sleep.

I'm sure Patrick will be really pleased to know I woke him up at 3am because of gas...

Information Overload

2007-09-12T13:10:00.001-05:00

So my first ob appt was this morning, and let me first say that everything still looked terrific!!

I was having a bad feeling this morning. I was still spotting brown, it was too familiar to last time, and I lost the last one right around this time, so I was absolutely terrified. Poor Patrick, I was a terror this morning on the way to the appointment...I really thought it was all over.

I love Dr. Swaim and her entire office. Her nurse was just great, calming me down while she went to track down the ultrasound machine. When Dr. Swaim came in, she was all excited, then of course, I broke the news about the spotting, and then she really wanted to do the ultrasound right away. Luckily, she's pretty good with it, so within seconds, we knew everything was okay. His heart was just pumping away. She didn't measure it, but she said it looked terrific and by this point, I can vouch that it did look great and strong. He measured 9w4d, but I think she overshot a little with the measuring and he's probably 9w3d, which is all fine considering that I'm only 9w today! Boy were we relieved, and she was so excited.

So here's where the information overload comes in. First, she is so amazing. She said we would do weekly ultrasounds (without me saying a thing) just to keep me sane, and that they would just make room in the schedule for me! I already have one scheduled for next Wednesday : ) Also, about the doppler, she said just order whatever one I want, bring it in to my appt, and then they'd show me how to use it. She said usually it's not reliable until after 12 weeks, but since I'm thin, she thinks we can get it to work at 10 weeks.

Drugs- They want me to stop my baby aspirin and I'm also done with progesterone...YAY! Especially since I think the progesterone is contributing to my spotting. Plus, I'm on 30mgs Lovenox now, so she wants to think about upping it to 40 mgs in the second trimester (SECOND trimester...what's that?)

Now here's the biggie that really threw us for a loop. Now in the back of my mind, I've always wondered about the possibility of incompetent cervix. I had a LEEP 11 years ago, plus I've had 5 surgeries that have required my cervix to be manually dilated. But Dr. Swaim is so conservative, that I didn't expect her to talk cerclage already today. She said in a case like mine, that if we asked 10 drs., 5 would say it's not warranted and the other 5 would say put in the cerclage. For those going "huh?", a cerclage is a purse-string like stitch that sews your cervix shut. I have no idea beyond that. I never seriously researched it, and obviously Patrick and I will both be doing tons of research on the risks and benefits. Dr. Swaim did say that she sort of feels like we should do it, and as I said before, she is very conservative, so that surprised me. I think she's so emotionally involved, that she just doesn't want to take a chance...and of course, neither do we.

On that note, I have to schedule a consult with a high-risk ob (maternal-fetal medicine specialist). I'm supposed to call tomorrow and schedule it in the next couple of weeks. They'll be doing the nuchal translucency first trimester screen as well as the consult on the cerclage. If I have the cerclage, it will be done in week 13 or so. As I understand it, it's quick and easy but I do have to be put under for it. Like I said, it's all still a little overwhelming right now. There's also the option of possible monitoring the length of the cervix by weekly u/s and just putting in the cerclage if it starts to shorten, but again, that's something else we need to research.

She also said that I'm at increased risk for a few complications due to my clotting disorder (mostly the Protein C deficiency), so we have to watch out for intrauterine growth retardation, premature rupture of membranes, pre-eclampsia, etc. She said I'll be having an ultrasound at every appointment because of that (oh darn...) and she said she'll be seeing a lot of me...LOL!

In other interesting news, while my due date is April 16th, she said I will not be making it that far. She said as soon as the baby is "fully cooked" (roughly 38 weeks), she will be delivering. Patrick (the dork) has requested April Fool's Day.

Then they gave me all the info for the high-risk ob, made my appt for next week, gave me my prenatal goodies bag (all these bags I've never had before, Dr. Mac gave me one, too. I'm too scared to even see what's in them yet...), took 5 vials of blood and a urine sample and sent me on my way...

So you can see why I'm a little overwhelmed. First, we are absolutely ecstatic that everything is going well...I honestly can't believe it. The idea of talking about trimesters, the big ultrasound, movement, delivery plans...it's all so foreign to me. I've never allowed myself to think that far, to think of the fact that I'm actually growing a baby, a baby that I might actually take home...

It's a little hard to come to the realization that I'll never be a normal pregnant woman...but I guess it's not all that surprising. Dr. Swaim said no exercise, if I get the cerclage, then no sex either, bedrest is probably a real possibility. I've already apologized to Patrick if I gain 70 pounds. Hey, Kate Hudson did it and she looks great again : ) But so far, I've only lost 3 pounds, so it could be worse.

I'll never be a normal pregnant woman...but at least right now, I'm still a pregnant woman...and I'll do whatever it takes to stay that way.
One day at a time...

Here is today's blurry u/s pic...LOL!

Random Monday Musings

2007-09-10T11:32:00.000-05:00

So two more days until I go see Dr. Swaim and pretend to be like every other pregnant woman....yeah right.

I spotted again on Saturday night and immediately panicked. I swear, the stress of seeing the spotting makes me cramp. Then of course, it went away by Sunday morning and has been gone since...as has the cramping! I have been sore in my abs and back though. I'd mentioned that to Terri and Kara on Friday, and they both said it was everything starting to stretch and move, and I'd probably be sore, especially since I'm petite.

I did a good job of staying calm yesterday, and today I'm doing well, too. There's nothing I can do but stay positive, take care of myself, and wait....

I'm 8w5d today...the last loss we found at 9w5d (measuring 9w3d). No one can say if it will happen again, there's no reason to think it would even happen at the same time. I just have to tough out everyday, and know that every day gets me one step closer.

In other random musings...I look better than Britney Spears in my bra and panties (did you see the VMAs last night??)...not that it's any sort of accomplishment these days, but I am almost 9 weeks pregnant ; )

The Texans won yesterday...you mean we have a football team worth rooting for this year?? I'm going to have to pull out all my Texans shirts from the first year!

The Aggies won, too, but not before driving us all nuts with the overtimes!

I am in NO way complaining, but I do have to say it was hard to sit and watch our soccer game yesterday (Patrick and I usually play on the same co-ed over 30 team)...half of it was that I really wanted to be out there to help the defense, and the other half is the pressure of everyone knowing that I'm pregnant...I know we have lots of people rooting and praying for us, but at the same time, I can't help but think that I'll be letting all of those people down if something goes wrong again...I'm just so sick of being that "problem child".

Oh well, time for lunch, I'll continue on my quest for meat...seriously, that's about the only thing that sounds good to me these days. How I've eaten that much meat and still lost 2 pounds without ever throwing up, I'll never know!

Graduation Day

2007-09-07T15:38:00.000-05:00

Well I started spotting again last night, now it seems gone again. But I had an appt with Dr. Mac today anyway. All was well!!! We're still measuring right on track, and the heart rate is up to 170. They still can't see any reason for the bleeding, but they blame my cervix and all of the stretching that's starting (my abs are sore!). Not to mention, duh, I'm on a blood thinner, so a tiny bleed would even make it down to the toilet paper!

I just sent Patrick to scan the pic, so hopefully he'll send it to me this evening.

So I graduated from Dr. Mac's today. I hugged everyone, and they were all very excited to see me get out of there for once! Terri gave me a lecture on staying calm and not stressing. Dr. Mac said I should just have a glass of wine or two when I feel anxious. Patrick was like "yeah right! She's neurotic". Yes, it's true I won't even eat peanuts....and I SO want some peanut butter....

Anyway, I called my ob's office, and they tried to say they couldn't see me for 2 weeks, to which I said I would panic by then. : ) So they're squeezing me in on Wednesday. I just want to get in to talk to Dr. Swaim, see what she thinks, and see if she'll approve my prescription for a doppler heartrate monitor. We decided to go ahead and get one. The spotting scare sealed it for us...

So now what?

I was talking to my friend Jenn, and I told her I don't know what to do now. I know what to do when things go wrong. I know how to prepare for that. But what do I do now? How do I have faith that things will continue to go well? How do I stop waiting for the bottom to fall out?

Only time will tell I guess. I think getting past 9.5 weeks will be key. I think getting that doppler and the reassurance that things are okay will help. But at some point, I'm just going to have to start believing that this is really my time...

Here's today pic

A scare but all is well

2007-09-04T13:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an interesting day. I started spotting yesterday afternoon. Just a light/medium pink when I wiped. I freaked out as you can imagine...I mean I was doing the ugly cry and everything. I took a shower, and Patrick and I just didn't know what to do. He panicked worse than me. I was also starting to have cramps, but they felt like the kind I had last pregnancy when my uterus was contracting from stress. So we actually decided to go ahead and head down to St. Luke's ER (I do NOT trust the suburb hospitals to handle a case like mine) in the Medical Center (I actually work right around the corner from it).

The triage nurse there was absolutely wonderful! There was a horrific wait, but when she took me back to describe what was going on, she was just terrific. She was obviously sympathetic to what I've been through (to hear my whole history sounds like a horror novel), but she was sweet and understanding without seeming like she was feeling sorry for me...does that make sense? She understood my anxiety but also recognized quickly that I'm highly educated in my problems and can handle it. She made a few calls and had me in and out of radiology in under 45 minutes. The fact that my blood pressure was ridiculous probably helped speed things along! : )

In the hospital, the ultrasound techs aren't allowed to tell you what they see. Well thankfully, Patrick and I have stared at enough ultrasounds to know exactly what to look for. But they had to do the full work-up and look at everything so it took a while. They did an abdominal u/s first, and it didn't take long before we saw the muffin, and the muffin's heart beating away!! Patrick and I both saw it at the same time and we just looked at each other and laughed! She did a vaginal u/s, too, and of course, we could see everything much more clearly then. She did a close-up of the heart, and it was amazing to see the different chambers working. You could see that the sac was squished a little so my uterus was in fact contracting, but you could see it start to release when she was almost done...because I knew everything was okay!

Yesterday, I should have been 7w5d, the muffin measured 7w6d at a little over 15mm. So in 3 days, he had grown 5 days worth! His heart rate was also up to 160bpm, so everything was just terrific!

We still had to sit around for awhile, but that sweet nurse came and got me and let me read the ultrasound report on her screen as soon as it posted. Everything was normal, cervix was closed, no subchorionic hematoma, basically no cause for the bleeding that they could see in the uterus.

I had to wait for a room, then the dr. came in to see me. This was a nice time because while I had to get into the hospital gown, I got to lay in bed, and Patrick and I just watched tennis. We were so relieved and just kept laughing because we knew everything was okay. The dr. did do a pelvic exam and saw again that my cervix was closed and that the bleeding had stopped.

All we can think is that my cervix got annoyed by the progesterone...more likely I scraped the cervix trying to insert my progesterone with that stupid applicator yesterday morning...so I'm trying to not be so overzealous...LOL!

So I'm supposed to take it easy and then my normal appt with Dr. Mac is this Friday.

It really threw us for a loop though. For that split second, you just think it's all over...again...I don't want to feel that ever again.

It was so funny because they give you all these information sheets, and the first line says "Bleeding in pregnancy is common." Well I know that, but the "common" and "normal" things always seem to mean the end for me, so excuse me for panicking!!! : )

One day at a time...
Oh, I forgot to say that the muffin looks like a baby now : ) He was just floating there, you could see the cord and everything, and Patrick said he could see the little arms/legs sticking out. I was too busy watching that gorgeous heart beating. We've never seen one alive this late. The last one was the only one to grow past 6.5weeks. We saw her last at 7w3d, but when we saw her again at 9w5d, she measured 9w3d and her heart had stopped beating.

Please let this be the one we take home Lord. Please let this be the one we've waited for, the one we've fought for, the one we would not give up on. Just one...that's all I ask.

Muffin View #2

2007-08-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well I had another u/s today, and everything is still terrific.
I say I'm 7w2d, but Terri has me at 7w1d. Today, the little muffin measured 7w1d with a heartrate of 148 bpm!! He looked a lot bigger and again we saw that heart beating away right away.
I didn't cry last week, but when I heard that heartbeat today, I just couldn't help it.
Everyone was really excited again.
So I go back next Friday, Sept. 7th...11years to do the day that Patrick and I first met, and WHEN all is well, then I graduate back to Dr. Swaim, my normal ob/gyn. That's going to be a rough day in so many ways...but I'm ready.

OK, here's the u/s pic finally!

The Danes

2007-08-30T15:45:00.000-05:00

And now to round out the bunch...the Great Danes. We got them as puppies from a Great Dane rescue group 6 years ago. Their mom was a full-blooded Great Dane and had been turned into the Humane Society...she was so skinny they didn't know she was pregnant. She went into labor that very day and had 9 puppies...4 lived...2 live at our house ; )

So here are some pics of Tristan and Skylar
Enjoying the foot of snow in South Texas

Just relaxing

Look how big my bone is...Tristan likes to howl occasionally

So that means that my next post will be my u/s update for tomorrow....I'm feeling miraculously calm...not sure what that means, but we'll see!!!

The rest of the cats...or The Girls

2007-08-29T14:15:00.001-05:00

Continuing yesterday's theme of the furry family moment...
The cats used to be collectively called "the girls" until Noah came into the mix. Here are my favorite chickadees...

Kyla...known lovingly as "Mama". She was my first kitty in college. She came from a girl who lived across the street and rescued kitties from a horse farm. I picked her because she walked right up to me and said "meow!". She'll be 10 years old next month!!!

And then there's Spencer. She was adopted from the Humane Society in college on half-price kitty day (about a year after Kyla because she was driving us crazy and needed a partner!!). Spencer is actually a girl, although when we adopted her, her tag said boy...which is how she came to be named Spencer. We had already filled out all her records at the vet when the vet made the discovery she was a girl so the name stuck!! She just turned 9 this spring.
Spencer hanging out with Tristan...

And then there's Morgan. We actually went to the Houston SPCA to donate food because we had seen a horrible animal seizure story on the news. Well Patrick started playing with this cat through the plexiglass, before we knew it, we were walking out of there with adoption papers! We got her on our one month wedding anniversary. : ) She turned 8 in June. She's a gorgeous cat and don't think she doesn't know it!

So there are the girls...tomorrow...the dogs!

PS All is still well!! Just 48 hours to go until my next u/s!!

Why we rescue

2007-08-28T14:40:00.000-05:00

So first, everything is going great. I'm nauseous, grouchy (Patrick will attest to that), and exhausted so all is well. My next u/s is this Friday, and I'm feeling very optimistic about it!

Today, I thought I'd post some pictures of my furry kids. Some of you remember when I posted those pictures of little kitty Noah when we first found him. He was a 5w old kitten found in a horrible rainstorm, dirty, cold, malnourished, dehydrated, and covered in fleas that were going to kill him they were so bad. These pictures were from 24 hours later.

Like the JCPenney photo dept. head tilt?

Here are some pics adjusting to life in our household a few weeks later. He had to be quarantined in the guest bathroom for a month, but he integrated well into the herd.
Taking a nap...

Hanging out with dogs...

Using me as a body pillow...literally...

And now my baby Noah as he is today...
Like all of the family...he enjoys HDTV...

Hey, at least he used his paw to cover up his naughty bits...

Uhoh, he's looking for trouble...

So you can see that this poor little thrown away kitten has become this wonderful part of our family now. He was our little "accident" ; )

Now I feel guilty for spending so much time on him, so I may have to post pictures of the rest of the kids tomorrow...gives me something to do while I wait for Friday to get here!!

My Favorite Muffin

2007-08-24T13:40:00.001-05:00

OK, so later there will be an actual picture of the u/s, but for now you just have to use your imagination. : )

We have one little muffin in there. Terri said everything looked absolutely "perfect". She saw the heartbeat within seconds, so I luckily got to spend the rest of the u/s very calm. I did some deep breathing before actually, and my blood pressure wasn't too horrible (for my pre-u/s bp that is), it was only like 150/70 or so.

We're measuring about on track (1 day off, but the yolk sac was kind of in the way, it's so hard because they're so small right now), and the heart rate is a wonderful 122bpm. I love seeing that little flicker and then hearing that thumping...everything is going just right.

Terri was very excited, and I had barely gotten my skirt back on when there was a knock and here comes Dr. Mac in to give me a big old hug and shake Patrick's hand and say "good job"...hahaha! Everyone was in there just chit-chatting saying how excited they are. Terri couldn't stop going on about how great everything looked. They all really think that this is finally the one...and you know what...so do I.

I have however been told to start adding Colace to my daily pills...no one likes a constipated "problem child" pregnant woman apparently. Blech!

Oh, and in other news...I feel like crap. For the first time, I have REAL morning sickness. I have yet to throw up, and I don't think I will. It takes A LOT to make me throw up...like I haven't thrown up since I was in the hospital for my ectopic surgery and had too much morphine.
Anyway, I feel queasy pretty much all day, especially in the evenings when I don't feel like moving from the couch. I feel better when I eat, only to feel worse again 15 minutes later...and I'm loving every second of it.
Here's my favorite conversation.
Patrick: How are you feeling?
Me: I feel terrible.
Patrick: Good.
Me: I know!

Anyway, I'll attempt to scan the picture sometime this weekend, but you can also look forward to another report after my next u/s next Friday, August 31st!!!

I guess now I should let this really sink in...this is really happening...and statistics say that this should really be the one...please let it be...

Finally, the u/s pic!

Do you know the muffin chick?

2007-08-23T09:35:00.000-05:00

OK, finally, I will tell the muffin story!!

Now my good friend Kerri has always been a part of my "fertility team"...she's right up there with my various assortment of dr.s and nurses, and really just below Patrick in the hierarchy. Well Kerri felt that we just weren't doing everything that we could to make sure I got pregnant.

So it was a mere few days before my IUI that a package arrived in the mail. Kerri said she had sent something, and I had actually forgotten until Patrick mentioned there was a package for me at home. So I open it, not having a clue what it is, and instantly the wonderful aroma of cinammon fills the kitchen. It's muffins....what? muffins? She sent me muffins in the middle of summer?

So the muffins come with a letter. The letter goes on to describe that these are special "good karma" muffins. Kerri made them for her REs office before she got pregnant, and then again for her OBs office and then went into labor 3 days later. These muffins had a pretty good track record so far.

So my job was to eat the muffins. Patrick, being the team player that he is, decided that he'd better eat a muffin or two as well. But then, I read further, I had to MAKE my OWN muffins and take them to Dr. Mac's. OK, whatever Kerri says, I'll do!

Continuing in his team player role, Patrick even went to the store and bought everything I needed for the muffins. I made the muffins on Monday night, and we took them the Dr. Mac's on Tuesday afternoon when I was inseminated (I still love to use that word)! I actually told them the story, and they thought it was just awesome!

And the rest is history...the muffins have worked yet again! And so when it came time to find a name for this little one (previous ones were named "pumpkin" because they were due on Halloween and "chicken" because Patrick decided it looked like a chicken embryo)....muffin was the perfect choice.

So finally you have it...the muffin story...
Here are the muffins I took to Dr. Mac's last month.

Muffin Beta #4

2007-08-20T16:27:00.000-05:00

We're looking good!

At 26dpo, we have an hcg of 9,442 and a steady progesterone of 52.1. Everything looks terrific, my doubling time is hanging in there at 51 hours (it's supposed to be slowing down and is still holding strong), and the muffin's first u/s will be this Friday.

What a LONG week this will be.

Oh, and I promise to make Patrick download the muffin pic before he goes to tennis so I can tell the muffin story tonight. : )

One day at a time....

Muffin Beta #3

2007-08-16T15:39:00.000-05:00

Hcg was 2590....I continue to be wonderfully "normal" and very slightly above "average".

I feel better....I think....can I just sleep through the next few weeks please?

Off to brave the flood waters and try to get home!

The Secret

2007-08-16T09:49:00.000-05:00

No I'm not talking about that stupid book that Oprah is all about (although I'm sure MANY people would like to sit me down and give me the "power of positive thinking" talk at the moment, but we'll talk about that later).

I'd just like to take a moment to give a shout-out to the little birdie that told Patrick that I have a blog. ; ) Seriously, I've been trying to think of how to tell him I have a blog without him thinking I was a total nerd...which we all know I am anyway. Then before I knew it, I'd been at it so long that I was worried he'd be mad that I didn't tell him...a vicious circle I tell you.

Anyway, my little birdie (can a turkey be considered a little birdie?) took care of that for me, we had a good laugh, and now I'm actually relieved!!!

Now I can tell him why I actually need that picture of my muffins from the camera so that I can finally tell the muffin story!!!

Oh....and I cheated and I'm having the lab downstairs run another beta because I started to panic and freak out and I needed peace of mind... : ) Update this afternoon!

Because I'm mental...

2007-08-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

Remember when I said I was "normal"...well I found another site that I remember from last time and plugged in my numbers. I could NOT be MORE normal. Seriously, I should stop freaking out now right? I'm the red line...the line I'm following is the "high" line, and the green line below it is "average"....

Muffin Beta #2

2007-08-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

OK latest results at 19dpo
hcg = 958
Progesterone = 55

Doubling time of about 41 hours.

OK, so it's time to slap me around. I'm freaking out because the numbers aren't nearly as high as my overachiever last pregnancy...who doubled between 24-30hours. I try to keep reminding myself that all of those ladies with the low betas are now delivering their perfect babies while I have nothing to show for it.

Patrick just gave me the speech, no complaining about being "normal". Betabase says the median number is seven hundred something...and I know we all know normal doubling times are 48-72 hours.

It's just so easy to let that doubt creep in, you know?
One more beta in a week, then hopefully an u/s next Thursday at 6w1d.
One day at a time...

Muffin Beta #1

2007-08-06T15:24:00.000-05:00

I really have to tell this muffin story soon so you're not all in the dark.

But for a quick update on my favorite muffin, beta results are in.
At 12dpo, we have an hcg of 57 and a progesterone of 53.8. They're very pleased, and I go back in a week for more bloodwork.

As for the injections, my insurance is covering the Lovenox ($2500 worth of meds)...yay! This means 1 shot in the stomach per day instead of 2, plus I'm pretty sure they come prefilled so no more measuring, oh and low molecular weight heparin has lessened calcium depletion side effects!

On my way to pick it up now, and I'll do my first injection tonight!!!!

Lord help me...

2007-08-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

Here we go. I cheated and took a test this morning...2 to be exact.
It looks like I'm pregnant.
I took a normal 2-line test to which Patrick proclaimed half-asleep at 5:30am "I don't even have to squint to see that one". Sad that after this long, HE's even an expert at starting at pregnancy tests.
Then I tried a digital, and in less than a minute, there came that beautiful word "pregnant".

I have to admit, I'm much calmer than I expected. I had a wonderful restful sleep last night, and the alarm actually woke me up. I panicked during the 3-minute wait period (which I spent kneeling in front of the toilet praying with a stop watch set at 3 min), but as soon as I saw the lines, I peeked out of the bathroom to yell at Patrick "I'm pregnant"...sadly, I've said it many times, but this time just feels different.

I called to Dr. Mac's right at 9am, and Terri must have called me back at 9:10. They wanted me to come in for my bloodwork this morning, so I did. We'll have results this afternoon. I don't expect them to be very high since it's so early (12dpo)...maybe around 50? Guess I should check betabase to prepare myself.

Anyway, we're also working on the heparin issue. I will be back on heparin injections this pregnancy (I truly believe that's the only reason I made it so far last time). We're just checking to see if Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin) might be a better option. It's 1 shot/day instead of the 2/day with normal heparin, plus it has lesser calcium depletion side effects for me. But Lovenox is way pricey, so they're going to check with my insurance and see what they cover. Either is totally fine, but we've got time to figure that out today. When my beta results are back, they'll probably call and tell me which prescription to pick up. I'll probably be giving my first heparin injection tonight...tomorrow at the latest.

So that's it...I'm on the roller coaster....and I can't help but believe that this is really it.

...must have been the muffins!

Progesterone time

2007-07-31T16:21:00.000-05:00

Had my progesterone checked today at 6dpo...it was 46.5.

Don't say it, don't even think it. We all know I'm the queen of beautiful responses with nothing to show for it....

But what if...

7 days and counting.

IUI...or better yet...insemination

2007-07-31T16:12:00.000-05:00

So I was inseminated on Tuesday, July 24th.

It was scheduled for 3pm, so Patrick was scheduled to "do his thing" at 1:45pm. I was slightly offended that he didn't want any "help" and didn't want me over at that clinic at all. He said he'd rather me be relaxed and just meet him at Dr. Mac's...the later admitted that it was just going to be awkward for him and having me there would just make him more nervous and embarrassed. I guess I can understand. It was his first "invasive" part of infertility...not like he'd had his feet in stirrups with more people than he could count staring at his crotch for years now. ; )

Anyway, do-do bird left a little late, got stuck behind a wreck, and had me worried that the stress would cause him technical difficulties. He got there and got it done, but not until 2:30. So I'm sitting at Dr. Mac's, he's sitting in the building across the complex. Finally, his sample is done...BUT they start giving him the insurance run-around (referral from the PCP, what??). I get annoyed, the nurses see me annoyed in the waiting room, so they call over to the other clinic and tell them to let him get over here with his sample : )

He comes over practically glowing. Apparently his sperm count was over 300 million. Every other factor was great, usually well above normal. At least one of us works! Amazing to everyone that after 3.5years this was his first semen analysis...hahaha!
Anyway, the IUI went smoothly. Patrick even got to actually inseminate me (he pushed the plunger), and he was so cute to pat my tummy and kiss me as soon as he's finished.

Oh, that reminds me. I need to tell the muffin story, but I need my picture to do that...have to get him to download it!

So we wait....

Going for it

2007-07-31T16:05:00.000-05:00

When my friend Kerri was getting inseminated, I always liked to say that word and type it. Patrick and I actually joked about it all the time. Well, we got a wild hair and decided, what the heck, let's try adding an insemination. There's no indication that we actually need it (I've been pregnant 4 times), BUT I'm getting antsy and the longer this goes, the more likely Dr. Mac will want to take another peek inside to see if the endometriosis has come back.

So we decided we'd go it with the IUI (insemination...heehee).

I went for my mid-cycle ultrasound on Monday, July 23rd. I had an 18mm follicle on my right and one that after a few measurements averaged out to 18mm on my right. My lining was a gorgeous 9.4mm. Terri thought maybe we'd want to let them grow another day before triggering, but Dr. Mac popped in and said nope, trigger now! So I triggered at 2pm, went to the bathroom not but 15 minutes later, and I had EWCM all over the place! No way the shot did that, I was about to ovulate on my own, so good thing we had done the trigger!!

My IUI was scheduled for the very next day. : )

Sorry...

2007-07-31T16:01:00.000-05:00

I know, I suck at blogging right now. Needless to say, last cycle was a bust and I was NOT pregnant. I guess I was so frustrated by it, that I didn't even bother posting about it. I took the test on the Saturday at 12dpo, hoping to have a surprise for Patrick...but nothing. Took another one that Sunday at 13dpo, just as blank as the one the day before. Stopped the progesterone and along came my period.

Given all the activity last cycle, I was convinced (as was Patrick) that I was going to have a cyst and we were going to be on hold again. We were seriously contemplating taking a break, so I think we were just going to let the cyst make the decision.

I got my period when my parents were here on vacation, so my mom got to go with me to the dr.s office. She knew that I was expecting a cyst...and low and behold all clear. I was surprised, Patrick was surprised, my mom even got all teary eyed.

I started my third round of Femara on Friday the 13th...it's always been a lucky day for me...we'll see...on to the next update.

Waiting....

2007-07-05T10:35:00.001-05:00

It's like I've forgotten how to do this. I've been very pessimistic(realistic) about the whole thing, and it's totally a defense mechanism. I know this because I still practice in my head how I would tell Patrick and how I would tell my parents next week.

Patrick got called at the last minute to go to Minneapolis. Long story short, he coaches club volleyball, one of the older teams (17 and under) made it to nationals, their coach got pneumonia and couldn't fly, Patrick was pretty much the only option or the girls would be disqualified...so he left yesterday and doesn't come back until Sunday.

It sucks to be by myself, but we have friends in town (my favorite neighbors who moved and I've missed so much), so I'm staying busy. There's always that dissertation to work on, too....

Anyway, so this is making me want to test before he gets home...just on the off chance that it's positive and I can surprise him. My beta is Monday anyway. So the options are Saturday or Sunday if I want to surprise him or Monday if I just want to cry in the privacy of my own bathroom...we'll see how long I hold out.

I'm off tomorrow (to hang out with my friends that are visiting), so odds are I won't post again until I know...say a prayer for me...this never gets any easier.

Impatience

2007-07-02T16:38:00.000-05:00

So all went well last week. I had a super painful ovulation, but we got the job done, and I'm fairly certain both follicles released.

I did get the guilt trip from Terri and Dr. Mac about soccer and even tennis (it was doubles!). So last Monday Dr. Mac said he would send the police to pick me up if I tried to play my 2 soccer games last week. He said he was less worried about the tennis, but that everyone would rather me just take it easy for 2 weeks...no one wanted to take any chances. So I also had to opt out of my doubles tournament this past weekend.

Patrick and I managed to win our mixed doubles match the day before I ovulated though. : ) But now we're sitting out again. It's one of those situations where it's frustrating because I keep wondering "is this all for nothing" and there's also the pressure of everyone knowing we're "in the window". Everytime I don't play a soccer game everyone assumes I'm pregnant, so we have to quickly say "no, just in the window". I probably would have been ok to play soccer last week (before implantation), but since there was so much activity on that right side (and I was in a bunch of pain Monday), they were worried about ovarian torsion..and I do NOT want to lose my ovary...especially since my right one seems to be the overachiever of the two.

In other news, I had my 7dpo progesterone check today....it was 41.5.
Just digest that for a second...
Yep, it's freaking me out, too...that's a new 7dpo record. I know, I know, it doesn't MEAN anything except that I had a gorgeous ovulatory cycle...but I can still hope.
This week is going to crawl.....................

Video that's worth watching

2007-06-26T12:00:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

This is an amazing music video (and a great song for that matter) about infertility...I've seen it 3 times and I'm still crying. Sometimes it helps to feel less alone, just for a little while.

And again...

2007-06-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

Well things are going well so far.
My mid-cycle u/s yesterday showed a 17mm and a 15mm follicle on my right with a smaller 12mm as well (that won't release most likely) and a few under 10mm on my left...no wonder I'm so crampy! How do you IVF girls carry around all those eggs?!?
Anyway, we're triggering Saturday (tomorrow) so that the 15mm will release as well. By Saturday, they should be at least 21mm and 19mm, making them around 25mm and 23mm when they release on Monday. My lining was already great at 8.4mm, so we're looking good.

I'm nervous of course, but extremely grateful for another try. Now is the "busy" part of the cycle, so I'll update again next week when the waiting begins!

Moving ahead

2007-06-15T15:50:00.000-05:00

I've been superbusy lately, so I've barely had time to myself.

Last Thursday, I had an u/s and my cyst was completely gone. Stopped BCPs, started bleeding profusely on Sunday morning, started Femara on Monday, and took my last Femara pills this morning...I'm still spotting which is pissing me off, but we'll see what happens. I'm just hoping my body responds...I've definitely had a couple of hot flashes, I'm sluggish, but I didn't have the headaches that I've had before (I know, what a dumb bunny to complain about a lack of side effects with fertility meds). Anyway...midcycle scan is next Thursday (my mom's b-day) so we'll see what happens...trying my best not to think about it.

Other than that, all is well. I've been frustrated lately with pregnant women, but what else is new. One of my co-workers had her baby last week. I went and saw her at the hospital and went by her house this weekend to see the baby...he was beautiful and holding him just made me ache that much more for this. My other pregnant co-worker had her big ultrasound this week, it's a boy, she's barely showing and very, very skinny, I swear I just want to hold her down and feed her. And then there are other friends I know who drink occasionally while pregnant or exercise way too hard, and while I know that's "okay" with some doctors, it just hurts me that I can't get it right being so careful.

I'll just never understand how some people keep getting pregnant over and over again while here I am, doing every freaking thing I can, and I lose them over and over again...I've given up trying to make sense of it all, but it still hurts...

All I can do is keep trying...

History Lesson

2007-06-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

We went to visit my family this weekend, and I ran across some very old pictures. Some of my baby pictures, some pictures of when my mom was a kid, and pictures of my grandmother and grandfather in their twenties.

It was so amazing to see those pictures. I plan to put them all in an album the next time I visit, and we're making plans to slowly scan them all in and send them out to other family members (lots of my great aunts/uncles are also in the pics and I'm sure their kids and grandkids would like them as well). My grandfather was unbelievably handsome! He was still good-looking at 70, but I had no idea what he looked like closer to our age. My grandmother was apparently very fashionable, I couldn't get over some of her outfits (and the HATS!). And my mother was absolutely gorgeous as a teenager. I really had no idea. This long lean thing with the biggest smile...I don't think my grandmother had ever shown me those pictures.

Looking back at those pictures was a bit of a history lesson...things I'd known but forgotten. My grandmother was one of 5 living children, having lost 2 brothers at a young age. There were some pictures of them as children, and it looked like they lived in one of those camps where all of the houses looked the same and faced each other...I can't describe it so I'll have to post the pictures once they're scanned. They started out with so very little...but they looked so happy. My grandmother never finished high school, although by her own account (and by all of the pictures...LOL!) she had no shortage of social life. I swear she was posing with a different boy in every picture. The pictures of her and her 2 sisters were awesome...just 3 girls in pretty dresses headed to a dance. Then slowly you start to see each of their three husbands come into the picture. On a fertility note, I've always found it interesting that all 3 sisters only had one child a piece...something unheard of in those days...all 3 tried for more to my understanding...makes you wonder.

Anyway, my grandma had my mom in her early 20s. My mom had me right before she turned 17. In my direct line, I was the first to graduate high school, the first to graduate college, obviously going to be the first to get a PhD. I'm certainly not ashamed of where my family started, but it's just interesting to look back and see all of the opportunities that I have that they never did. What's more amazing to me is that I was raised knowing that I would go to college and go on to some sort of post-graduate education. My grandparents and parents never expected anything less of me.

So as I sat there with that box of pictures, I suddenly felt very proud...proud of my grandparents for toughing it out, proud of my mom for keeping me and doing what was best for me, proud to have had all of them in my life, and proud of myself for taking my family a step further in my generation.

I can only hope that I will have the chance to produce another generation...and that they'll do even greater things.

Cyst

2007-05-29T14:02:00.000-05:00

What else is new...

My scan last Friday showed a cyst. It was right at 15mm, which is the cutoff for cancelling a cycle...but it was also on my right ovary which tends to be more productive than the left. No one wanted to chance more complications or a bad response, so I'm on the pill again to shrink it.

I hate being on the pill...first of all, there's the whole bitter irony of having to take "birth control" when that's the last thing I want! But they also suggested a higher dose pill to be certain the cyst would shrink so I'm currently grouchy, nauseous and feeling miserable...

So I go back on June 7th to see if it's gone, and if so, we can take another shot with Femara.

In the meantime, I can drink freely for my 31st birthday this Saturday...I never thought I'd hate my birthday, but at this point, it's just a reminder of another year gone.

Nope

2007-05-21T11:42:00.001-05:00

I took a test this morning...it was negative.

Over the course of the last few days, I had actually convinced myself that I was pregnant. Damn those meds for convincing my body, too. At about 4am this morning, I couldn't sleep anymore so I took a test...just ridiculously negative. I went back to sleep and kept dreaming (having nightmares?) that it turned positive...over and over I woke up to realize which was the reality.

There is something very difficult about that first negative after a miscarriage. It's like you're trying frantically to "catch up" to where you should be that the denial of a positive now just seems like such a betrayal. All you want is to be pregnant again, and to be so close, I guess it's just a bigger let down...the realization that there's still work to do, and that you have to pick yourself back up.

Yet, you find yourself grieving that loss all over again. And for someone like me, I guess I grieve all the losses at once. It just all comes flooding back to me. I don't think I'm able to truly move on from the last loss until I get that first negative.

I didn't cry very much this morning. I cried (and prayed of course) while I waited the 3 minutes for the test, but afterwards, there were very few tears. I'm just waiting for it all to hit...I know I'll have no control when it does.

I'm at work now, but taking a short day. My co-workers know why it's a bad day so they've convinced me to eat badly (there's a bacon cheeseburger on the way). I plan to go to the gym when I get home, then do a little more work, and then have a great night with Patrick. I'm basing what I want for dinner on what I want to drink...tossup between a good cabernet and some dark beer at the moment...we'll see what strikes me later.

I did go for my bloodwork this morning, so of course I'll have further confirmation that it's negative by the end of the day. Somehow hearing it from someone else makes it more real...I expect the breakdown to come sometime after getting the results.

That's it for now...we move on.

My Prayer as Test Day Nears

2007-05-18T10:21:00.001-05:00

Dear Lord,
Please take care of me these next few days. I am overwhelmed with anticipation, hopefulness, and pessimism all at the same time. Please give me the strength to handle this, whatever the result.

To say that I've had a run of bad luck is a bit of an understatement. Not saying that I'm owed anything, just timidly reminding you that I'm still here, and functional, and happy, and determined...even after everything that has happened.

If it's negative....
Please give me the strength to take that test at home so that I can cry in the privacy of my own bathroom. If I manage to make it to work, please keep me from slapping my 2 pregnant, whiny, complaining co-workers. And if it's not too much to ask, please make my hangover the next day not so bad.

If it's negative...
Please don't let Patrick be too disappointed. Please let us be able to proceed to the new cycle easily and with hope. Please let the next cycle be the one.

If it's positive...
Please don't tease me or test me again Lord. Please, I beg you, if it's positive, please let this be the one that we take home. Let everything progress normally and on schedule. Let us never have reason to doubt that everything is going as it should. Please just give us a chance to raise that child.

Whatever the outcome, I can do this, you've shown me that I can. Just please prepare me for whatever it is to come.
Amen

I miss my neighbor...

2007-05-17T11:27:00.000-05:00

I miss my neighbor and close friend Jenn...

They lived 2 houses down from us for the past almost 6 years. During that time, they had 2 amazing kids. Most of you have heard me talk about Jenn and the kids many times. Gwen was born before we'd even thought about kids, and I think it was seeing them with her that made Patrick first utter those damn words "Maybe we should have a baby"...look where that's gotten me! And then when Cole came along, Jenn was one of a mere handful of pregnant women that I could stand to even be around. She handled it all with such tact and compassion that I swear she should write a book "how to handle infertile friends when you're pregnant!"

Anyway, they moved 2 weeks ago. And while I knew I'd miss them, I really miss them this week...when I'm counting down the days to test. They kept me occupied and distracted. And if Monday brings a negative, we would have had at least a bottle of wine or a pitcher of margaritas that night.

I've lost friends through this struggle, I guess it's inconvenient to be a friend to someone with one tragedy after another when you just want to be happy about your own fertility. But the friends that have stuck by me through this, both the fertile and infertile, you can't imagine what you mean to me. Thank you.

4 more days...

Another day down

2007-05-15T16:59:00.000-05:00

Well one more day closer to the verdict, and I'm driving myself nuts!

I've been having mild cramping since yesterday, and I had a backache last night...what's bugging me is that it's all very familiar. I'm getting way too hopeful about this.

And of course, they've just added fuel to the fire because they called to say that my 6dpo progesterone results came back at 37.8. That's a record (this cycle is all about records), and the only time it's every been higher was when I was 5 weeks pregnant the last time (it was over 50). It's never been that high in the middle of a cycle though.

I'd really like to sleep until Monday...

As an aside, anyone reading this, please say a prayer for my sister-in-law who had a hysterectomy today (she's 28). I don't want to go into the details now, but she had been trying to conceive a second child for the past 4 years and was given bad news earlier this week. It's just made me extremely grateful for just the opportunity to try to conceive.

One week and counting...

2007-05-14T15:46:00.000-05:00

Well it's countdown time...one week until my beta. Of course, I'm stuck in the age-old debate of whether or not to take an HPT at home that morning so that I have the opportunity to grieve in private rather than get the news over the phone that afternoon...we'll see...I'm leaning towards getting it over with that morning.

I've been incredibly relaxed about it this cycle. Everything has gone so perfectly that there hasn't been much to stress about. But I'm starting to feel that dread set in...that feeling that I'm going to let everyone down, mostly Patrick. He's so sure that this is it, to listen to him talk hurts my heart. He's already vetoed me playing soccer this weekend (and has me playing doubles instead of singles on my tennis team) in anticipation that I'm pregnant. He's already asking if I'm feeling anything, he's already planning ahead...he's already scaring me.

I want to believe...I truly want to believe that this is it, but I am so freaking afraid that I will set myself up for a huge fall. But who am I kidding, I already do believe and the fall is going to suck regardless of how high my hopes were.

I did a quick analysis of my fertilization history today during lunch (science makes me feel better...yes I'm a nerd, what else is new?). I don't count the first year of trying because I had the uterine septum and was consistently ovulating way late with whacked out hormones. So I checked to see how many times we had tried with a good response and good timing since July 2005 (when they resected the septum and removed what I hope was the last of the endometriosis)...we've had 5 good cycles...and I got pregnant on 3 of them. Take a second to digest that.

Our first try after surgery, I got pg (loss #3).
Right after that I got pg again on a natural cycle (loss #4).
When we started trying again after loss #4, I was having trouble with responding, so I had one decent cycle with just a trigger(progesterone was only 14 at 7dpo though). Negative.
Then what looked like a really good 50mgs Clomid cycle (follie was small, we may have triggered too early). Negative.
Then the fateful first try with Femara...which resulted in the best pregnancy to date and loss #5 due to a chromosomal fluke.

So here we are in another Femara cycle that's even better than the last...how could I not hope, right?

7 more days.